Whisper Something Fragile
by spunkyunicorns
Summary: All Human. Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?
1. The Move

Rating: M for most chapters of the story

**Rating**: M for most chapters of the story

**Title: **Whisper Something Fragile

**Summary: **Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all from the genius that is SMEYER.. :D

**Chapter 1: The Move**

**BPOV**

It's early in the morning and I am forced to get up from bed by my, oh so lovable mother. _Yah, she's lovable alright… _I peeked through the closed blinds, the sun was about to rise. I don't have anything against the sun, but I just don't like the light, in general, period. I like it here in Forks. I like it that the sun rarely shines, but today, of all the days, it decided to show up.. hhmmmpppff….

"Bella, honey, come down so we can eat breakfast together!" my mom yelled from downstairs.

"Coming!!" after taking a long warm shower, changed into jeans and a button down shirt, blow dried my hair, and arranged my luggage, I went downstairs. I was greeted by my parents, Charlie and Renee.

They are not the type of parents you would consider normal, in every sense of the word. Yah they are happy and so _in love_ (don't get me started..), but there's just something about those two that I don't seem to see on others.

"Good morning Hon, how was your sleep?" Renee cheerfully asked

"Great…! Oh no, mom please stop that.. You know I need to do this!... Dad?? "I called to Charlie. Charlie just shook his head. My mom has the tendency to be a little bipolar sometimes. She just cheerfully greeted me good morning and when I answered she just started sobbing again!

"I'm sorry Bells, it's just that your our only child, and now you're all grown up and going to college! I'm going to miss you so much!!" _sob sob sob.._ I went quickly over to my mom who was across from me at the dining table and wrapped my arms around her trying to make her stop crying..

"It won't be that far mom, I'm just going to Seattle, besides ill try and visit you guys here as often as I could, you don't need to worry about a thing." I said while rubbing circles around my mom's back.

"She's right Renee, she's a grown up now, going to college, you'll need to let her go eventually" Charlie chimed in while taking a sip from his coffee.

Charlie is a very cool dad. He treats me like an adult and I like it. He can be overprotective sometimes but he is more low maintenance than Renee. Even though Rene could be a little too clingy and obsessive at times, she is more carefree and more supportive of my decisions… but now, I don't know why she is acting all overprotective of me.

Charlie and Renee seem to balance each other out. Every time Renee seems to go a little over board with her obsessive tendencies, my dad is always capable of calming her down, keeping her in one piece. But whenever Charlie acts all stiff and uptight, Renee uses her charm to let him cool down and ease up. It's cute when you see them making decisions around the house. It's like watching a TV sitcom... hilarious….

I know I'm not going to live with them for awhile since I'm going to college but I need to go to college. I'm going to miss both of them so much. They're great parents. Its also relief to get out here, out of _old Forks_ to make a fresh start, to see new people. The longer I stayed here at Forks, the more I am reminded of _Him, _argh!! I tried to push the thoughts immediately out of my head. He will not ruin my move to Seattle. _Sigh…._

After breakfast and a painfully long lecture from my parents of what I should and should not do in college, I went to collect my things, my luggage and my carry on. I brought my books, my CDs and everything that I would be needing in my stay at college, to keep me company. I am not into parties and all that stuff, which I am sure, a lot of college kids are… I enjoy my privacy, a certain feeling of anonymity.

When all of my things are already set and loaded on my truck, (an old fashioned 1953 Chevy pickup truck – its old but I like it!) I went to say my last goodbyes to Renee, who by the way didn't stop crying since breakfast, and Charlie.

"Good bye mom, I'm going to miss you." I said, trying my best not to cry.

"Oh honey, I'm going to miss you so much. Call me when you get there okay? Call me everyday, or ill call you. Take care of your things, don't go out late and please be safe, I love you so much!" Renee said not letting go of me.

"Okay mom, I get it… please stop crying…" I managed to get away from the bear hug she was giving me. I stroked my arms from the pain.

"Alright kiddo! Have fun in college and try to loosen up okay? College is supposed to be fun. I Love you!" yeah, like I'm going to have fun…. Sigh,

After a long goodbye hug from both of them, I'm off to Seattle.

**A/N:** so how about it? Reviews please!! This is my first fanfic so go easy on me guys… heheheh sorry if there are details on the story that seem to be incoherent about the university, (im not from the states so bear with me).. so let me know what you think!!

partner in crime… watchatink?? Hahahaha..


	2. Oh Crap!

Rating: M for most chapters of the story

**Chapter 2: Oh Crap!**

**Rating**: M for most chapters of the story

**Title: **Whisper Something Fragile

**Summary: **All human. Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all from the genius that is SMEYER.. :D

**Chapter 2**: Oh Crap!

**BPOV**

After a long hour of drive to Seattle, I immediately found my way to Seattle University (a/n: sorry guys for the lack of knowledge about the University, I'm from Asia so I am not familiar with the Universities at the States.. bare with me. Lol) I parked in front of the campus where the dorms are located. After a few seconds of looking at the façade, I turned off the engine and got out of my truck. I stared at the building in front of me.

The university had been built since the 80's and it seems obvious from the color and design of the buildings. It wasn't _old like the beatles old (no offense, I love the beatles, just cant think of any comparison)_. It looked like the buildings were remodeled but had a hint of maturity to it.

"I like it".. I silently muttered to myself. After what seemed to be a minute or so of gazing at the university, I went to the back of my truck to pick up my things. Just when I was about to get my luggage, three cars went pass me which seemed to came out from a drag race. I was taken aback and hit my back to the door of my truck though it didn't cause me pain.

"Urgh!!"… assholes… I thought to myself. After regaining my composure I took a peak from the three cars that almost killed me… _okay may be not killed me, but still…_

the first car was a yellow Porsche, the second a black jeep and the third one was a shiny Volvo. "Great!"_ I muttered to myself… another rich spoiled brats… college will be awesome! (_Feel the sarcasm there?? Lol)

I don't need this. I came to college to get away from Forks,. From rich brats who always get their way not caring who they come across with. I hated rich kids, well not all rich kids persé… just rich, gorgeous, sweep-you-off-your-feet brats who uses their charm to make you fall in love with them, try to get into your pants and find out one day that they're cheating on you with a dumb shallow blonde slut in their bedroom!! _Well, that was way too specific… grrr!! Him…shoving off the memories now!!_

I heaved a deep sigh and tried my best to ignore them. So, I picked up my bags and was about to go inside the campus when one by one, they came out of their cars. The one riding in the yellow Porsche was a small pixie-like girl, spiky brown hair with a huge grin on her face.

Along with him was a slightly curly blonde haired guy, probably 6'5 in height that towered the little pixie. They looked cute together, _I thought_. The guy immediately went to the pixie girl and put his hands around her waist and gave her quick peck. They're together, _figures,??_

Then the man in the jeep came out next. Does anyone heard of the saying _what car you drive defines you?_ Well I think I heard that before and yeah, I can see that now. The guy with the jeep was huge! He had a fitted short that truly accentuate his well toned body, probably taller than the guy with the pixie girl. After getting out of the jeep, he immediately ran around to get the door from the passenger's side, and it was then that I totally felt overwhelmed.

The moment the girl from the jeep stepped her toes on the ground, my eyes popped wide. She was gorgeous! Well if there was another word for that, it would be her. She had long blonde hair that draped up to her hips, curves of a wine bottle and a face that _would probably launch a thousand ships…too much?? Well she was that gorgeous!! _Man, _I thought to myself_, beauty and money, why are they staying at a college like these? They would probably get in to Stanford, Harvard or to any college they want with those assets.

I tugged in a deep sigh and was about to walk inside when I realized that the one driving the Volvo hasn't gotten out of the car yet. Out of curiosity, I waited for that person to come out so I stayed at my spot.

The second the guy from the Volvo came into view, I felt my breathing stopped. Literally!! He had bronze _just-got-out-of-bed_ hair, but not the disgusting _i-havent-showered-in-a-week_ type of hair, no… his hair was messy in a very sexy way, wait what?? Sexy??

He had green eyes that would probably make any girl melt when they stare into them… man, I loved those green orbs, wheeew!! he had pale white skin, but not too pale, like _a-vampire-just-sucked-out-all-of-my-blood type of pale (winkwink!! Lol) His skin looked smooth…God I want to stroke those cheeks… _And don't get me started on those lips... He had pinkish red lips that seemed to have a life of its own.. I mean, it's like its taunting me to get closer, press my lips to his and stay there forever…. _Wait... What?? I need to stop!!_

I shook my head rather roughly to get the thought out of my mind. I can't be thinking these thoughts. I mean, I don't even know him and I'm already drooling over this guy? Who does he think he is? Guys like these are all the same. They'll use their charm and their wealth to make you fall in love with them and just when you're about to give all of you to them, they end up breaking your heart by sleeping with some blonde slut…. I hate this!! This guy makes me think of what happened to me in the past… Him…

I felt my eyes starting to tear up, but I held back the sobs… I just need to stay away from this man... _Good luck with that... Sigh…_

Once I gathered my stuff, about to take the first step towards the campus, I sneaked a quick glance at the beautiful boy. Wait, what? Did he just smile at me? No, no, no… that wasn't a smile, that was a smirk, even so, it was gorgeous. The moment I looked at those stunning grin of his, I felt like I would choke! Why does he have this effect on me! I don't even know him! Ggrrr!! I hate this feeling!! _He's just like him… he's just like him…_I chanted at the back of my mind… his smile was like a magnet pulling me to look even closer…

Being Bella, I tripped over the pavement in the front lot and almost fell flat on my face because of ogling at this gorgeous guy…

"_Dammit!!" _I hissed.

I looked over and his smile grew wider like he was enjoying my humiliation. Huh... Asshole!!

I quickly composed myself and headed inside the campus. God! I hated this guy even before I knew him!! Who does he think he is? With His beautiful perfect face, his glistening alluring eyes and his perfect leering smile, does he think he can get to me? No, no, no, I wont let him.

I intend college to be a pleasant experience for me, a fresh start! I'm here to forget about Forks, about everything!! And one look at this guy and he already had this effect on me?? I won't let him… I wont!!

After going to the registration office, I immediately went to find my room. I pushed the key on the knob and took a glance at the room. It was big and had three bedrooms, two on one side of the wall and the other bed on the opposite side.

It has only one bathroom though but that's fine by me. I walked in and settled my bags on the single bed on the wall and looked around. It had a small but tidy kitchen. Great, I love to cook!

After looking around, I slumped myself on the bed with a deep sigh…

"I need rest…" I told myself.

Just when I was about to drift off to sleep, I heard a squeal at the door that made me jump immediately off the bed, knocking me on the ground (since the bed was not that huge)

"Yey! Room mate!!" the person from the door eagerly yelled.

"Oh crap... This is not good..."

**A/N: how was it guys?im dying to update and I will try this evening.. sorry for the incoherent facts about the university and such… bare with me..lol… reviews please!! Thanks!**


	3. A Stab in the Gut!

**Chapter 3: A Stab in the Gut!**

**Summary: **All human. Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all from the genius that is SMEYER.. :D

**BPOV**

"_Yey! Room mate!!" the person from the door eagerly yelled._

"_Oh crap... This is not good..."_

I fell immediately to the floor once I heard that squeal… _ouch! _That's gonna leave a bruise

"Hello!, Ow, sorry about that, I'm just so excited!" Shit! It was the girl from the parking lot. i went to brush off my bottom and sat on the edge of my bed.

"No biggie, I zoned out so I didn't hear anyone coming" Great, the spoiled brats are my room mates, could this day get any worse? Oh, it does….

The blonde goddess emerged from behind the pixie girl and quickly went over the beds on the either side of the room.

"Hey, you just got settled in?"

"Yes, I just got here like ten minutes ago" I said trying hard to keep a collected voice.

"I'm Rosalie by the way…" she extended her hand out to me and reluctantly shook it

"Bella…"

"And that little trouble over there is Alice"

The pixie girl… I mean Alice was already roaming around the room checking out the whole room. All of a sudden she was on my bed sitting next to me. _Is she always this hyper?_

"Hello! I'm Alice, it's so nice to meet you. Oh, we're going to have so much fun being room mates!"

"Oh yeah, I'm so thrilled!" _sense the sarcasm there?_

"Yah, lets get unpacked Rose so we can meet the boys" with that Alice went over to her side of the room and started unpacking her stuff. They should have been extremely wealthy with that amount of luggage Alice had about 4 bags and the designer label says it… Louis Vuitton. Wonder how she managed to get those here in that small frame...

"Bella, tell us something about yourself" Alice chimed in while unpacking her signature clothes over the closet which seems only big enough for her underwear.

"shoot! My clothes wont fit in that thing!" she totally saw my point and I rolled my eyes to that, ofcourse my back on them

"That's okay, mine wont fit either… we should just shop later for a bigger closet"

_Yah because that's the proper solution to their problem…_

I am quickly reminded of shallow girls from school who only cared about their looks and the number of boys they hook up with… man, I don't want to be room mates with these girls! Maybe I could get the registrar to change my room assignment, with the band geek or an obnoxious snorer.. anywhere just not here!

Staying with girls like these would only remind me of…. _Argh!!_

**Flashback**

"_Victoria came up to me again in class" he said while we were sitting on their couch one evening._

"_What did she do?"_

"_She said that if I was bored with you, I could just tell her and she'll show me a good time"_

_I flinched at that knowing that it was probably right. I'm extremely boring. Here he was being all "adventurous, adrenaline-driven, spontaneous, "ill-do-anything-for-the-love-of-my-life sexy god" and I being too lame and probably mediocre. If a stranger would look at the two of us together they would surely think he was a celebrity in a date with a shabby unattractive stalker fan. _

_I doubted myself even before we started dating telling him that I'm not good for him, that I'm mediocre and does not fit to his status., but for the millions of times he confessed his love for me, I began to see the love he was saying… that no matter who or what I am, he would love me unconditionally… or so at least that's what I thought_

"_What did you tell her?" trying to make my voice calm_

"_Of course I told her to get a life! Babe you know that you're the opposite of boring" he lowered his lips to the base of my neck, sighing sending shivers through my body. I like it when he does that, knowing that was my weak spot._

…"_You're the most interesting and most unpredictable person I know. You always seem to surprise me with everything you do. Girls like her just wanna get the hottest guy in school…" _

_a teasing smirk appeared on his lips… I had to smile, there's no doubt about that_

…"_and get laid. You on the other hand…" he then flipped us over so that he was on top of me on his oversized couch._

"_don't need to tease me like that to get me all worked up. I just look at you and its done." He kissed me fiercely, passion exuding from his lips while he held me so close that I was barely moving. I didn't protest on how tight he was holding me, he can take me like that and stay in his arms forever._

_I broke the kiss, trying hard to keep the conversation going, which by the way took all my self control in the process._

"_So you didn't give in? I mean do you ever think of hooking up with girls like her? You know, beautiful, hot, rich girls? You know, the typical type…? A playful smile spread across my lips_

_he gave me another quick peck before he answered. "Babe you're totally absurd. How can I like those bimbos when I have a sexy, smart, kind, loving… and did I already mention sexy? Oh yeah, that. I mean you don't see yourself too clearly love." Another kiss…_

_with that confession, I melted into his arms and picked up where we left off…_

**End of Flashback**

I tried very hard to push that memory aside. It still stabs me in the gut reminiscing on those memories. It still haunted me even when it's already been a year since we've seen each other. But I guess no matter how long time passes, I still can feel the pain, like a fresh wound, with every tick of the clock sending a pulse of blood, ripping open the gash in my heart.

Recalling those memories send me some comfort, that somehow, deep within my past I felt him. I felt him loving me, even when it seems crazy now that he did. I know he loved me, or at least based on my definition of love, that is.

Call me a masochist for wanting that feeling back. I just need to feel it once again to ease the pain that's tearing me alive. Hoping that the pain might relieve me of the longing I had in my heart for that one person who I truly, deeply loved and gave my whole self to… the sad part is that I never got to take my self back…

I shook my head quite violently to try and take the memories back, the tears threatening to spill any minute. I need to focus on other things to make me forget.

I turned my back to face my two new room mates. I looked over and tried to analyze them. I looked at their clothes, which by the way looked more expensive than all of my clothes combined.

They were beautiful beyond comparison. They had this certain glow plastered all over their faces, like they don't seem to care any less about the world. I on the other hand looked exactly the opposite.

I envied them in a way. Seeing their cheerful smiles and noticing how carefree they move like no one else was in the world but them. Me? Too uptight of course, something I probably got from my father. _Thanks dad!_

They probably saw me staring like a stalker at them from quite some time now. Rosalie turned around to fully face me "Tell us something about you Bella, where are you from?"

"Forks… I lived with my parents back there. My dad and my mom own a little restaurant over there… a family business… they wanted me to come here so that at least I would be closer to them.. uhmmp…." _Could I get any lamer?_

"That seems nice. Well what are you taking? Alice had finished packing now and sat down on her bed.

"Literature.. I love to read.. you guys?

"Fashion design.. Rosalie here is taking Mechanical Engineering… she loves cars and other fast objects. Anything that goes 100 miles per hour…" she giggled on something I wasn't able to understand.

"That's nice…" was all I said not really sure of what to say since I wasn't a talker… at least before I was.

Alice flipped out something metallic from her pocket, which looked like the most high tech cell phone I ever saw. She read the text message and smiled. I wonder who the text was from. _What? Why would I even care?_

"The boys are already settled in and want to meet for a late lunch" Alice directed to Rosalie

"Great where should we meet them? Rosalie asked back

"They said there was a pizza place outside the campus, around a few blocks"

"Lets go then" with that they grabbed their coats and stood up to walk towards the door.

Finally relieved, I kicked off my sandals and slouched on my bed preparing to read. Just when I was about to lie my head back on the soft bed, Alice squealed her high pitch tone at me. _this squealing has to stop…_

"What are you doing?" she said her eye brows squinted.

"Uhmmp.. Lying on my bed preparing to read." _Wasn't obvious?_ "why?"

"Well the boys are meeting us up for lunch" She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Aren't you coming?

"Uhmp.. I don't even know these guys and you're asking me to meet them up for lunch?

She stifled a laugh at some inside joke I wasn't able to catch. "That's why we're meeting them silly. So you can meet them. They're really nice so no stress!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea"

"Why not?" Rosalie quickly added heading over to my side of the bed

"I don't know" _yah, that's a perfectly reasonable excuse Bella. Great job!_

"Oh come one already! We're friends now and our friends are your friends too. You probably haven't eaten yet, plus it would be totally lame if stayed here on your first day mopping around all day with a book! Come on it'll be fun!"

I so wanted to roll my eyes at her for saying that. Little did she now that for the past year that was all I have been doing.. mopping and wallowing in my own sick misery with a book in hand.

Who does this girl think she is? Friends? I only knew them for less than an hour and she wants me to be her friend?

Its either she's really nice or she's just plain delusional.

I guess I had no choice then so I grabbed my sweater, put on my sandals and headed towards the door

"Okay fine I'll come." I breathed, hoping she did not catch my tone. Though she annoys me I did not want her to feel bad because of my rude actions.

"Great!" there's that squeal again! Arghh!!

"The boys are already there so we better hurry up before Emmett finishes our food. Lets take my car." The yellow Porsche? Holy crap! I think I just sent myself a death wish deciding on accepting their invitation.

How fats can that car go? I tried not to think or ill run back towards my room.

I like driving but to a normal speed, not like maniac speed! Hope I get to that pizza place in one piece. Fingers crossed!!

We arrived at the parking lot and got in the Porsche. I immediately feel the smooth back leather of the interior and a grin appeared on my face. I like it.

After buckling on our seats we were off. _Don't get me started on her driving because you know how fast that car goes! _I'm just relieved that the place was not that far from the pizza place. I heaved a deep sigh when we got out of the car, noticing that the girls were staring at me amusedly.

"I don't like speed" with that comment they laughed. Great! Center of amusement... Just what I was aiming for… _Sigh…_

After the "show" we went inside. As soon as the door closed behind me, I captured the smell of tomatoes, cheese and bread knocking me out of my annoyance from the previous event.

I loved how the smell of the place reminded me of home and Renee's cooking. She is a fine cook and I got to learn a few recipes from her. I closed my eyes to inhale the rich aroma thoroughly when I was nudged by Rosalie, knocking me out of my daydream.

"There they are!" she said excitedly.

I went over to look at where her hands were pointing and immediately spotted the big guy I saw in the parking lot holding Rosalie earlier today. She had a wide grin on his face, excitement in his eyes.

My eyes roamed at their table and saw the other guy who Alice was with earlier, the curly blonde guy. He smiled sheepishly towards us though I bet that smile was for Alice's eyes only.

Then it hit like a smack on the head. There were five on them in the parking lot. The two couples and the…. _Fartknocker!_ That totally slipped my mind!

"Shit" I silently hissed so that the girls won't hear it. I nearly forgot the _shiny Volvo owner!!_ It rang a bell inside my head, a ringing that annoyed me even more.

I can't be here! I cant be around this guy who even the first moment I laid my eyes on totally had an effect on me.. an effect I did not want at the moment, or for any other moment for that matter.

I wanted to run outside back to my room and stay there for the rest of the year, two years.. Three? Okay maybe not that long but long enough to not remember how beautiful those green eyes are… his pink lips, his chiseled jaw, his well toned body… that perfect smile….

_What the hell!! There I go again! Ogling at the mental picture I got to keep earlier in my head! Erase… erase…erase!!_

I was about to turn around without even looking at the third figure at the table when someone grabbed my arm.

"Where are you going?" thanks Alice…

"Uh…. Bathroom?"

"Well its right over there" she pointed out at the left side of the room, not near enough to the table the boys were seated.

"Ill be right back" with that, I stormed inside the restroom.

I clutched the sink tightly as if holding for dear life and tried to even my breathing which by the way picked up after my realization earlier.

_I can't do this. I can't see him. It's too much! I'm not going back "there" again, I just cant._

The coward Bella said

_Of course you can you chicken! He's just any other boy! Get a grip, put on a brave face and march out there! Show him that he's nothing to you!_

The brave Bella demanded

"You're right. He's nothing and I can do this. I just need to keep my head straight" I silently said to myself, silent enough to let only myself hear. I did not want the other girls inside the cubicles thinking I'm a delusional. Which I probably am talking to voices inside my head.

After taking a couple of deep breaths, I marched out of the restroom and to the table.

I kept my head on the ground, to not see the place I'm about to go to. It was such a relief to get to the table without tripping or bumping on to others during the process. I did not need any of that right now.

Once I got to the table, I stood there eying Alice, who at the moment was whispering something to the blonde boy's ear giggling and smiling, to let her introduce me to the group. I kept my eyes away from that one person I did not want to see.

"uhmmp," I said standing there at the table awkwardly.

"Oh yeah, sorry Bella. Guys! This is Bella…" she left the sentence hang looking at me… wonder why?

_Oh yeah I forgot to tell them my last name…_

"Swan… Isabella Swan, but please call me Bella" the words spat out of my mouth quickly probably sending signs of how nervous I was. They must think I'm pathetic now.

"Bella, this is Jasper, my boyfriend…" she pointed to the boy next to her…

"Nice to meet you Bella" he offered his hand to me.

"Me too..." I accepted the handshake so as not to look like an arrogant snob…

"…The big guy is Emmett…"

"Hey there precious!... Ow!" Rosalie smacked the back of his head. "…what?"

"We just met her Emmett, don't scare her away"

"I'm just being polite babe…" with that he snaked his muscled arm around Rosalie's shoulders. I had to look away to that.

_This is it, brace yourself._ Preparing for the last person I so not want to see right now… or at least try not wanting to see.

"…and last but not the least, this is Edward"

I took a deep breath and for the first time and looked at him. I slowly studied his face, something I struggled not doing ever since the first time I laid my eyes on him. But I couldn't seem to get rid of those god-like features.

Once again, I started with his hair, those bronze locks that went wildly above his magnificent head. His hair alone screamed _sexy _to me.

Then I went to my favorite, those green eyes. Never have I liked the color green but with his eyes? I'll take anything green right now. His eyes were enough to make my knees weak and good things I was holding onto a chair beside or I would have fallen right then and there. His eyes looked at me with _confusion?_ Maybe he thinks I'm strange now, eying him like that.

I went to his nose, perfect… his soft lips… beautiful… his lips were twitched a bit to the side showing that perfect little smirk I love…_WAIT! Erase that…like... shit I'm totally screwed!_

It probably took a moment for either of us to say a word when I was taken out of my own "Edward" universe by his voice calling me.

"Bella?... "He stretched out his hand "it's a pleasure meeting you"

His voice in my head did not do justice to what came out from his lips. That voice… deep, manly… velvety… soothing… I could listen to that voice forever…

"Uh..y-you too…" damn it! Could I be even more pathetic? His hand lingered there for a moment, expecting me to take it.

I had no choice and I don't want to come off as rude so I took the risk of feeling his smooth skin.

The moment my hand touched his, I felt this tingling sensation, enough to send a soft shock through my spine. His hand was soft as a baby's bottom and firm at the same time. I wanted to lock our fingers permanently right then and there but I know that if I held on to him much longer, he might think that I a crazed stalker.

I pushed myself out of my reverie and pulled my hand away.

The table was like an oval couch attached to the wall big enough for all the five of us. Emmett was seating farther right while next to her was Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and Edward. It dawned to me that I can't make all of them scoot around to let me sit at the middle, or at least next to the girls. So it left me with one option, _seat next to Edward_ even though the stronger side of me wanted to take the other side next to Emmett (which something I think he might not like since all of them have to scoot over for me to fit), the weaker side of me, the one fantasizing about this gorgeous man, said to suck it up and sit next to him.

As I sat, I tried my very best to not let our skins touch. I looked stiff as hell but I couldn't care much. Just as long as I don't feel the electricity his skin sends me when I touch him.

After all of us were settled, _besides me,_ the server came and asked for our orders. The guys ordered two family sized pepperoni pizzas while the girls ordered two platters of Alfredo pasta, a side salad and some bread. I ordered a coke for my drink while the others had their own choices. Emmett insisted that the guys order a pitcher of beer saying that they did not have school yet at the morning and told them to loosen up.

Once that was settled, everyone got into their own little bubble of conversation.

It took most of my energy, trying hard not to touch any part of Edward's skin and taking a peak at him. We haven't even started eating and yet I'm already exhausted. I felt left out sitting there, looking around to distract myself and talking to no one. After a few moments, I heard that voice again, calling my name… _was I really that delusional? Oh wait! He really is calling me…_

"Bella?" he said taping my shoulders… that single touch right there again sent an indescribable feeling though my body? _Why does it keep doing that?_

I flinched but immediately shrug it off so as not to look retarded and slowly faced him. _God, that face again…_

"Yeah?" I tried to keep my voice in a "conversational" tone so that it might not look desperate.

"Ah… are you alright there? You seem quite" _its because of you… you sick…. _What? _Greek god! Argh!_

"I was just thinking… nothing important" _just you, how great your effect on me is and how every time you touch me you send an electrifying shock through my body .. no biggie… sarcasm_

"Ow, so uhm… tell me something about yourself. Where are you from?"

"Forks… I lived with my parents back there. My dad and my mom own a little restaurant over there… a family business… they wanted me to come here so that at least I would be closer to them.. uhmmp…."

_Wait did I just repeat what I said earlier to Alice and Rosalie? Lame… Lame… Lame… its like my head is dislocated on my head and went to my foot…._

"That sounds wonderful" he said, generosity in his eyes.

"You??" I asked to prevent an awkward moment

"Me? I'm from here, I went to Seattle High (a/n: don't know if there's such a school but forgive me.. I'm not from the states), I'm an only child and my parents got divorced when I was 12. I lived with my mother after the separation until now. They stayed single though, even after the divorce, I guess they just did not want living together anymore so they decided to get a divorce. They're friends which is nice. I love them both."

That was the longest statement he said to me so far and I wanted to hear more. Just hearing his voice made me calmer… soothes me. I wanted to hear more….

"Sorry about your parents."

"That's okay, all is well."

"So how did you guys meet? I mean did you go to the same school?" I said wanting to keep the conversation flowing.

"Me and Emmett are cousins. My father and his father are brothers. When his parents died about… 7 years ago from a place crash, he got to live with me and my mom. At first it was uncomfortable living with another boy, especially with his state, having lost his parents and all. But we got close as time passed by… practically brothers."

He then glanced at Emmett who was cracking jokes now at Rosalie. The story Edward told me of him shook me. I see this big bulky guy and his wide teeth smile, thinking that he probably have no worries in the world the way he looks, not knowing that he has suffered something I could not even grasp the thought of… _losing my parents at a young age_. I felt sorry for him for a moment but pity was replaced by admiration. I admire him for how strong he is, taking that kind of realization, growing up on your won without your parents at a young age.

I was taken out of my thoughts of Emmett when Edward began to speak again.

"Jasper is Rosalie's older brother. Jasper and I met when we were freshmen and we became friends ever since. Alice and Rosalie were friends way before she met Jasper in high school. So when Jasper and Alice started hooking up, all of us got closer as well. We like each other's company. We balance each other's moods."

"As you can see, Alice is with Jasper and Emmett is with Rosalie. They've been together for quite a long time now.

What a perfect little bunch I thought they are. Gorgeous and filthy rich.. quite a catch. They also seemed happy with their significant others… Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper…

Wait! How about Edward? Who is he with? Are we expecting anyone else?

Just when I was about to ask, a woman's voice called Edward from behind us.

"…Edward, babe!" I looked back and saw a girl walking towards us. This girl looked the same as Rosalie, Blonde long hair, curvaceous body, plump red lips… what do men call them?.. _Oh… Hot_… except that unlike Rosalie, this girl seemed sluttier.

She had a spaghetti strapped top that seemed 2 sizes smaller, and a fitted mini skirt with high heels. _Definitely sluttier!_

I tried my best not to grimace at her when she finally reached our table.

"Babe, I didn't know you would be here tonight.. Why didn't you tell me so that I could've joined you..." her voice was even more appalling. She was trying for _seductive_ making me gag.

"It wasn't planned Lauren, excuse me Bella, could you scoot over?" He gestured so that he could get out of the seat. I stood up and let him pass.

I scooted over again trying my very best not to look at them. I saw everyone's faces, Jasper had his hand under his chin looking away, Alice whispering something to Rosalie while Emmett.. Silly Emmett was laughing on some inside joke only he understands while shaking his head. _What was that about?_

"I'm sorry I did not call you, it was just all of a sudden.. You know I'm sorry" his voice was maddening! Any girl who hears that plea would have fainted hearing that….. Voice…

The slut… I mean Lauren giggled seductively... Or at least that's what I think she's doing…

"Ow baby you know I will always forgive you…" with that, she devoured his lips with such urgency

It felt extremely awkward sitting that close to Edward smooching that slut... I mean Lauren... _argh! _I took a peak and I was disgusted at her!

How could she kiss him like that with such urgency? Like she wants to swallow Edward whole! Lips like Edward's don't deserve to be treated that way.

His lips should be kissed with caress and passion, like it was the most precious thing in the whole world. It needs to be kissed avidly and passionately… tasting each moment as if it was the last… savoring each taste that lingered with every stroke of each lip… delaying it so as to make the feeling last forever….

_I'm totally delusional…_

When they broke apart, after what seemed like eternity, she was gasping for air while stroking his bronze locks. _Don't get me started on how those locks should be handled as well or I might collapse right here right now!_

She looked at him with such lust like he's a sex machine! _Though I can't argue with that... he probably is..._

"So you want to head back to my room? My room mate's out for the night" she whispered in his ear…

Just when Edward was about to answer, his phone rang. He grabbed the phone from his pocket and flipped it open. When he saw the name of the person calling him, his face went shock like he just saw something he did not want at the moment.

He quickly looked at Emmett and I don't know if I'm truly seeing things that I should not be seeing, but I think he and Edward exchanged looks like they're communicating in their minds or something. After a few seconds, Emmett spoke…

"Ah… Lauren, I'm sorry honey but can Edward get tonight off? I mean he's supposed to teach me… uh… he's supposed to come with me do something tonight. We already planned it way ahead and I can't cancel it."

"Where are you going?" Lauren cluelessly asked. I wanted to slap her right then and there for how stupid she is. _It's obvious that he is lying!_

"Band Practice!"

"Meeting some friends!"

Edward and Emmett said in chorus. I nearly laughed right that moment if I wasn't too annoyed at the situation in front of me. How can she buy this??

"Uhmp.. We're meeting some friends at band practice, babe" Stroking Lauren's cheeks with his thumb. oh no he didn't!

He just used his charm to manipulate the poor slut... I mean girl…

"Oh, I guess that's fine. Ill just see you some other time then"

With one final disgusting kiss, and a pinch on Edwards's ass, she took off.

I scooted over to let Edward sit at the end of the couch so I did not have to stand.

He took out his phone again and tried calling someone.

He had the piece on his ear.

"Thanks Em! Owe you one."

"Yah, Yah, who now? Chelsea?"

"No, Tanya…" he smirked at that, I did not know why.

"Nice" Emmett chimed with the usual grin.

"Hello? Tanya?" he said over the phone.

"Hey babe, sorry I missed your call, I was…taking a shower. No babe I wasn't with anyone, are you crazy? I only have eyes for you"

My jaw landed on the floor. Edward? Seriously? My heart went out the window, ran over by a crazed truck driver, nibbled by wild dogs and ran over again by a 10 wheeler truck.

It literally broke my heart realizing that Edward, the perfect, beautiful god that he is, is a cheater! Not only that, he lies to women to get to them! Probably to get inside their pants but I don't want to think that thought.

I thought of him as this perfect guy who would think twice of hurting a woman, and yet he's the exact opposite! Maybe Lauren and he should get together more often… knowing that both of them are sluts!

I cant believe I fall for that façade. How stupid of me!! he's just like any other guy… players… it crushed me..

I felt my whole body stiffen and I did not care much on what they were talking about around me. I just sat there emotionless.

We started eating and even though the food looked delicious, I suddenly lost my appetite.

I nibbled on my food taking less than what I usually ate, and sat there in silence.

They asked questions about me ever once in a while and I answer as short as possible. Probably sensing my mood, after a couple they stopped and we ate in silence.

Edward was also still not looking at me, probably afraid to ask me any other question because of the mood I was in, which I was glad. He is the last person I want to talk to right now.

_**Déjà vu? **_

I hated him, I hated men like him. Knowing this fact about Edward made me think of that moment again… in my past that I would give anything to forget.

The logical part of me said, "_Isn't it obvious? Looks, money, charm? Doesn't it sound familiar?"_

It indeed sounded familiar… the man who broke my heart was sort of like Edward. He had the looks, the money and the charm. He swept me off my feet and made me madly in love with him.

Not _in love_ like, "_you're so hot, so rich and so good in bed that's why I love you"_ love. No… its like "_I love you so much I would give anything you want without asking anything in return"… "you complete me, and I would go to the ends of the earth to show you how much I love you" _love. Or at least I thought that was love…

But the effect of Edward on me was way beyond the effect _HE_ had on me when the day we first met. It's somehow deeper, more powerful.

But all of that seemed to crumble with what I had realized. I had realized that Edward and _Him_ are so alike in so many ways. Before I fall any deeper, I need to snap out if it.

I don't want to feel that helpless feeling once again, like my heart was gong to explode from the pain. I don't want to spend restless nights filled with nightmare of what happened in the past.

I don't want to become numb again. I am starting to feel inch by inch with each passing day ever since _he _left and im scared to go down that endless road of misery once more.

So before it starts, I need to end it now.

I will stay away from Edward… _ill try to stay from Edward_

I will treat him so bad he'd want to stay away from me forever… _though I want to treat him with care and compassion, letting myself go and feel free around him._

No! This is it..! Edward is officially out of my mind…

_**Coward bella:**__ Yah, good luck with that…_

**A/n: hey you guys, sorry for the long chapter. I just couldn't help it. I'm dying to write the next chapter, because its Edward's turn… I'm not sure yet if I could reveal **_**HIM**_** to you yet.. I just can't find the right timing. It needs perfect timing since he played a major role in Bella's life. So please review!**


	4. The Reason

**Chapter 4: The Reason**

**EPOV**

"I'll call you later mom, we're near the school now… Yes mom I will don't worry about me… Yes ill take care of myself… he's a grown up now mom he can take of himself!... yes yes I will… I love you too… take care of your self, ill call you as soon as we're settled.. Bye!"

We were driving now to SU and my mom just called to make sure I don't get into trouble. She has always been overprotective of me, well at least I thought of her like that.

Ever since she and my father got divorced she and I became really close, having to live with her and all that.

I never saw my mom regret their separation. It's as if they're still in love with each other its just that they are not living together. She loved my father so much but I guess living together was not an option already. She respected my father and his busy life style and they decided that it would be best for them to separate.

She grieved of course but only for a while. She and Carlisle seemed to still be good friends after that. They settled their differences and still communicate just like before.

She also wasn't into meeting other men after they divorced. She said that she did not get divorced to be with another man, its just that she and my dad are not in the "same page", my father having to travel a lot and all.

My father was a neurosurgeon and he gets to be assigned to different hospitals a lot, being good with his profession.

There were times when he was out of the house for months and my mother could not take it. They argued before often and it still bothers me from time to time. They said they were in love but still they decided to separate. If they loved each other just like they say they did could they not surpass their difficult situation?

They talked to me before they decided to divorce. Its still at the back of my mind like it just happened yesterday

_Flashback_

"_son, could we have a word with you at the living room?" my father called. I knew that this was coming, I've overheard them discuss it once._

"_Edward, your father and I have something to tell you…" I clenched my fist trying to hold the tears that threaten to spill. I don't want them to see me crying over this. I need to be strong, for them, for me.._

"_your father and I are having some troubles for quite some time now and we have decide that its best for both of us, for you…." She paused seeming to hold back her own tears that were about to come_

"_You're mother and I have decided to get a divorce son, it's for the best." I nodded my head, not looking at both of them._

_There was along silence, uncomfortable silence for what seems to be forever until my mother came to sit next to me, hugging me._

"_I'm really sorry son, I know this is hard for you but your father and I are starting to grow apart. I don't want us to constantly argue all the time, especially in front of you. We have talked about this for a long time and I don't want us to hate each other for that. If we get divorce it would ease up the tension growing between us and would let us go and do what we want. I don't want you to think that we are getting divorce because we hate each other. We don't" she looked at my father…_

"_We just need to find our selves which we have a hard time doing when we are constantly arguing."_

"_Son, you know that I am busy all the time and I don't get to spend a lot of time with you and your mom and I hated that. I know that my job is ruining my responsibilities as a father and as a husband but this is what I was meant to do. I love my job and people need me."_

_He was about to continue when I cut him off… "You love your job more than you love us I get it!" I didn't mean for it to come out rude but he needs to hear it._

"_Son…" he was sitting on my other side now. "You know that I love you both, more than anything its just that its not…" he paused for a moment contemplating on what he would say.._

"_I'm sorry son, I don't mean for this to come out the way you think. Of course I love you both more, I was married young and there are things that I wanted to pursue even before that was put on hold when you're mother and I got married, and soon came you"_

_There it is, they regretted having me…_

"_We don't regret having you son, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, really… when you grow up, you'll understand what I am talking about. I need to find my self before I am able to give myself fully to both of you." He was looking at my mother now, as if the statement was not for me…_

"_Edward, you're father and I love each other, so much. We love each other so much that we don't want to deny each other of what we want and need. You're father needs to attend to his career…"_

"_What about you mom?" I said cutting her off._

"_Well for me, I love your father enough to let him go and be himself, find his true calling. I on the other hand, need to focus more on taking care of you. I also want a business that would probably take most of my time as well. It's what I have been dreaming ever since. If your father and I would be too busy with our own careers, we won't have time for each other anymore. We don't want you to think that we're being selfish son, you'll understand…"_

_I'll understand what? I decide to accept it knowing that there isn't any other choice. I nodded and both of them gave me a hug._

"_I love you so much son, even though we're not together anymore, don't think that you are deprive of our attention" my mom said._

"_I love you too."_

_End of flashback_

Ever since that talk, I planted on myself to not be like them. I don't want to end up marrying someone who would love herself more than she loves me. I hated that feeling.

When they separated, my mom opened up an clothing line and ended up establishing numerous stores around the world. She became very busy but she never neglected me of her time. I love her for that. My father also tried to be with me every chance he gets.

What's great about this while setting is that I get to have anything I wanted. Two gifts on birthday, two present for Christmas and any other holidays. Its as if they're trying to compensate their separation with gifts and other things money can buy. I was opposed to it before and thought that it was rather silly. I needed them to be with me and spend time with them together. I didn't need material things for me to be happy.

But as time went by, I got accustomed to it. I accepted it. "What I want, I get" that became my philosophy ever since, in everything I do.

When Emmett came to the family, I was glad, even though it was a huge adjustment for both of us. He just lost his parents and I my parents just got divorced. It was perfect. He and I depended on each other, just like real bothers. But Emmett was more of the "outspoken" one. I on the other hand, was more to myself. I don't want others pitying me.

As we got older, we became closer. We the most amazing bunch of friends. Emmett met Rosalie over high school and they have been inseparable ever since. They loved each other but in an abnormal way. I don't get it. But what's obvious is that they are mad about each other. I was happy about that.

Alice and Jasper were like them in a sense. They are more tamed unlike Emmett and Rosalie. They have this deep connection only the two of them understand.

As for me, I decided to play around the field. I'm too young to get hooked yet. I want to enjoy what's out there. I don't want to be like my parents, only deciding that they want to live their own lives after committing themselves to another for the rest of their lives. I want to settle when I have already exhausted what the world has for me.

I don't have a serious relationship, never had. Girls seem to come to me, but all of them are the same. Hormone driven, shallow and gullible (a/n: no discrimination intended). They always seem to believe anything I say, using my charm of course, which I managed to practice over the years.

I guess I haven't found "the girl" yet, the one who would truly make me change. I long for her, waiting… always waiting. But the longer I wait, the more tired I become. Is there really someone destined for only one person? Is there such thing as true love? _I highly doubt it_.

_The longer the time passes, the more numb my heart became, numb to feel what true love is. I never found it with all the girls I've met. They all seem too familiar. Too ordinary. I'm tired of searching…_

I was caught off guard with what I saw….

We arrived at the campus just in time, with the way I drive, I wasn't surprised.

We pulled up at the parking lot in front of the campus. I got out of my Volvo and took a look at the façade of the building in front of me. it was okay. We decided to go here for college so that we could still live near our families, something my mom wanted for me. I didn't mind, as long as I'm with my friends, I'm okay.

After appreciating the old campus, I looked at the other car, _well… more of a piece of rusty metal with wheels…(I had to laugh at that…)_ across from us.

After looking at the truck, I noticed a girl beside it. I stopped to study her… _well more of gawking at her…_

She had long wavy brown hair that went near the top of her hips, her skin was a bit pale too…_ I guess she doesn't like the sun…_

I stopped short at what I saw next, _her eyes_…. I have never seen eyes that expressive before… some say that the eyes are the windows in a person's soul. That you can see anything with their eyes. I used to laugh at that… not really believing it.. but boy was I wrong…

Her brown eyes appealed to me.. sending me a message I could not quite comprehend.

Her lips, she has pink plump lips, too tasty for her liking… her face was plain, but definitely not ordinary. It's a face I haven't seen to often. She was pale and had no make up on, something I am not used to, having girls around who looked like clowns for their heavy amount of make up. _I like it..wait, l like her?_

The way she dresses too was very amusing to me. She wasn't trying to look sexy but somehow she seems to me. She had a spaghetti strapped top that went above her stomach showing a bit of her toned stomach. She also has a wavy "hobo" skirt that went far down her knees. She was trying for simple but she seemed too extraordinary to me. I have met girls who wore less than that trying to look seductive. But her…she wore more yet she looked good enough to eat.

I wasn't used to girls like these… what's it with her that has me interested??

She must have noticed me staring, (well she was staring too…) so I decide to use my "dazzling smirk" on her, seeing if she was easy…

The moment she realized that I was smirking at her, she tripped… I had to laugh at that, well I tried not to, so as not to come off rude. I fought hard to not let out a boisterous laugh making my smile wide…

_Shit! _I think I offended her because she glared at me and stormed inside the campus. _Wait, why did she not come over and introduced herself? That smile always win girls over… why didn't she? _

What's wrong with her? She doesn't like me? impossible… everyone likes me.

This was a challenge for me… I wanted to get to know this girl and find out who she was and why she seemed different. I had to know.. I want to know…

I posted a mental note for myself : _find out who she is and seep her off her feet_ _I always find my way around girls, I have to have her…_

As soon as she was gone, we got our stuff and went inside to find our room.

"Eddie hurry up, im starving!!"

"if you don't stop calling me that ill smack your big head over that wall right there!" Emmett always calls me that ass of a nickname and I hated it. _Eddie… what a pussy name_

"Then hurry up!" Emmett pounded on my door.

I finished hanging clothes in my closet and took a final glance at the mirror and headed out the door.

"What are you a girl?" Emmett chimed in taking In my appearance

"What? I have to look good for the ladies my friend… Its my responsibility" I half laughed seeing Emmett fake a gag…

"Yah okay okay _Mr. Full of yourself"_

"Lets go, where's Jazz?"

"He's already at the car, waiting for us"

"Fine, lets go then. I texted the girls already to meet us up there"

"Good.."

With that, we were off to the pizza place we seemed to love even when we were kids. It made us feel homey… the aura of the place makes us reminiscent of mom's home cooked meals.

Within a couple of minutes, we were already there, waiting for the girls.

Jasper chose our usual table and we all patiently waited for the girls to arrive.

After a few minutes, Emmett spotted Rosalie at the entrance door. She waved at him, which made Emmett glow.

"Need tissue dude? Your drooling.." I laughed.

"Your just jealous man" he nudged me making me fall a bit from the couch. Emmett was a huge bear.

Glanced at Rosalie and Alice as they made their way over our table when I noticed another figure behind them…

_Holy shit!! _It was the girl from the parking lot! why was she with them?

I suddenly felt happier, giddy… I want to know that girl. The moment I saw her from the parking lot, I must say I was attracted to her, she was beautiful in a different way, very different… she came off as a challenge, the way she seemed to brush me off awhile ago. I like challenge…

But wait, was she leaving? No… she rushed to the bathroom in a hurry without even looking here… strange..

"Hey guys, have you ordered already?" Alice said scooting over to seat next to Jasper after giving him a peck on the lips.

"No babe, we were waiting for you" Jasper answered looking at her as if she was the only girl in the room, I admired him for that, she loved Alice. She treated her like if she was a princess. I liked it that he was with Alice, they were perfect for each other.

"We have someone with us, Bella, she's our room mate. She seems nice, a little shy though" Rosalie said after seating beside Emmett.

"really? That's nice.." I smirked answering her

"don't even think about it mister!" Alice scoffed at me

"What?"

"Don't even try that with her, she wont buy it!"

I knew what she was talking about but I wanted to tease her more

"I have no idea what your talking about Al"

"Yeah I bet you don't!"

After a few moments, she was there. _Bella.. beautiful.._

"uhmm.." she stood awkwardly in front of us, avoiding to look at me…

I wonder why…

"Oh yeah, sorry Bella. Guys! This is Bella…" Alice introduced her

"Swan… Isabella Swan, but please call me Bella" that voice…

Alice introduce the guys to her, she seemed polite.. still avoiding to look at me… _whats wrong with her?_

"…and last but not the least, this is Edward" Alice said gesturing to me

time to play the game…

"Bella?... it's a pleasure meeting you" I offered my hand, preparing to touch her skin.

She took my hand.. "uh… y-you too." Did she just stutter? Im liking this…

As soon as she took my hand, I felt something different. Her tiny hands were so soft… probably one of the nicest hands I ever get the chance to touch.

We lingered there for a while, her constantly staring at me… I loved here eyes, those brown eyes…

Then she suddenly pulled away. _Did I scare her?_

She sat next to me, something that I planned the moment I saw her.

After all of us were settled and ordered, I decided to talk to her. When I looked at her from the corner of my eyes, she was looking away. It seemed that she was trying her very best not to touch me, slouching away from me. why would she do that? Did I do something wrong?

I had to do something. I want to get to know her.

I called her once but she didn't hear me. I decided to tap her shoulder… she flinched at that, making me giggle inside. Do I really have that effect on her that when I touch her she flinches? _Oh, this is far too easy…_

"yeah?" she said trying her best to remain calm.

I asked her if she was alright.

We started talking, getting to know each other. _This is a good start…_

While I was telling her stories about how all of us met, she had this look on her face. Like she was trying to study my every move. She had this glow in her eyes that made more interested. I talked and she listened, I rarely get that from other girls.

Most of the girls I meet are to impatient that when I start talking about myself, they always try and distract me, touching, flirting, kissing, anything to make me stop and get the hell with it already… this girl was different. Like she wants to know me… maybe if I talked the whole night, she wouldn't mind. I liked that about her… im staring to really like her already..

we talked for a while more.. I talked more. She was about to speak when I heard a girl calling my name.. _shoot, I don't need this right now…_

it was Lauren, one of the girls I'm seeing… _well more than seeing… haha_

she came over our table. She seemed giddy seeing me there. I didn't tell her I was going here because I have this thing with Tanya, another girl I was _seeing_ later that night. Ofcourse they have no clue I was seeing both of them at the same time.

I didn't want Bella to see this,I tried my best to look good for her. I don't want her to see the real me. It would only make it harder for me to get her.

I asked Bella to scoot over so that I could talk to Lauren. I don't want her to hear us.

"I'm sorry I did not call you, it was just all of a sudden.. You know I'm sorry" she seemed to buy that.. _stupid as ever…_

"Ow baby you know I will always forgive you".. with that, she kissed me fervently. _Man, it would be hard to get Bella now.,._ but Im a man, what can I say. I kissed her eagerly making her knees weak. Man she's hot, with those clothes…

I caressed her back while kissing her. _I know that would make her moan more…_

After the kiss, she asked me to come over, I would have if I hadn't made plans with Tanya earlier. My phone vibrated and I looked immediately to know who it was. I tried not to let Lauren see who was calling me. _yep, its Tanya._

I immediately looked at Emmett trying to send a message to him to make Lauren leave. He knew me al to well that I don't need to voice out what I meant.

"Ah… Lauren, I'm sorry honey but can Edward get tonight off? I mean he's supposed to teach me… uh… he's supposed to come with me do something tonight. We already planned it way ahead and I can't cancel it."

Nice one Em, he is a total life saver.

"Where are you going?" she asked, clueless as ever

"Band Practice",…. "Meeting some friends..!"

Shoot, im totally screwed now. "Uhmp.. We're meeting some friends at band practice, babe"

I had to use my charm to get out of this situation, so I traced my hand to her cheeks, using my "dazzling" smile at her. She bought it! _Could this girl get any more gullible?_

After she left, I thanked Emmett for taking my back

"No, Tanya" I told him after he asked who it was on the phone.

Among all the girls I'm with, I'm more into Tanya, she has something the other girls don't have… _she does amazing things with her…. mouth… (you know what I mean)_

After I called Tanya, I looked over to Bella. Her mood seemed to shift from earlier. Now, she seemed pissed. Was she pissed at me? is it because of what she saw? _Dammit I think I lost my chance at her… I guess I have to try a little harder now…_

All throughout the evening, she remained silent, answering some questions the others threw at her quickly, totally avoiding to look at me. she seemed pissed alright.

_I mean, what does she expect?_

After our late lunch, we decided to head off to our dorm to rest after an exhausting day.

I need to make this up to Bella now. I want her and I need to step the pace a little higher. So

The boys paid, something Bella opposed to by the way, and we're off to our cars.

Why is like this? Most girls would love guys to pay, heck., they love anything free… this girl really have me hooked…

As we sat up, I immediately went over to her side, wanting to talk to her again. But when I looked at her, she still looked pissed… _what's wrong with her?_

"did you had a great time?" I asked her trying to make her loosen up a bit

she just nodded, still not looking at me. _okay, I have to try harder…_

when we were about to get to the door, I placed my palm on her back trying to lead her outside. The moment I touched her, she flinched, and moved forward to avoid me.

_wait! What?what does this girl want?? _Im about to lose my mind here, trying to know what she was thinking. She was very in to me awhile ago and now she's trying to avoid me? I don't get it!

_Okay, maybe she got pissed over Lauren, but what did she expect? Maybe I just need to act nice again.. she'll come around. They always do._

"uhmp…" I said thinking of what to say as we got to our cars

"do you want to ride with me back to the dorm?" I asked, making my "dazzling smile" at her.

She looked at me, emotion wiped away from her face. "No, id rather go back with the girls, thanks"

_Im totally screwed. She's really pissed!! Im trying really hard for this girl! Who does she think she is? I didn't have to work this hard for any girl before… why would she be any different??_

"fine…" I said rather a bit rude… I cant help myself , I'm too frustrated trying hard for her.

I sped back to the dorm and went to my room immediately, not managing to talk to guys on the way back.

_Who does this Bella girl think she is? Giving me these mixed signals! One moment she was in to me, the next thing I know, she's pissed! I really don't get her.. but I want her!! She's the only girl who refused me! argh! It makes me frustrated! I have to know her, make her mine.. no one has ever rejected me!_

_Lets just see about that… tomorrow, I'll try my very best to get to her that she would not have the choice to refuse me. she'll see… let the games begin…_

**BPOV**

I tried my very best not to let him get to me. It took almost all of my energy to try and be rude to him. When he asked me to ride with him back, I said no. I don't want him.._ though my heart tells me otherwise_

I lied on my bed, contemplating on the events of the day. Edward truly disappointed me. when I first saw him, when I talked to him, he seemed perfect, someone I wanted to get to know,_ someone I want to take a chance with_. But to my disappointment, he was like the others… he was exactly like _HIM…_

As I lied on my bed, I fought hard not to let the tears fall, knowing that I'm not alone in the room. I looked across me and noticed that the girls were already asleep. I can't take it anymore so I went to the bathroom. The moment I closed the door, I couldn't hold it anymore. I locked the door behind me and fell to the linoleum floor, crying silently.

Remembering how Edward looked at me before made me feel nice, made me feel safe, like he would not dare to hurt me. His eyes showed the sincerity that he wanted to know me, to truly know me. the moment I realized that he was like any other guy, my heart broke. _there goes my chance of forgetting the man who tear my heart apart_.

Sitting there at the cold floor, made me think again of the painful experience with the guy who I thought truly loved me. what he did to me bore a whole deep in my heart and no matter what I did, the whole just wouldn't close…

_Flashback _

_I have been with Robert for two years now and tonight he's taking me to senior prom. Apparently, today was also our second year anniversary and the day could not get any better. I picked out a dress a few weeks back. Since I saved up for this dress, I bought a quite reasonably nice dress. I wanted to look good for him._

_The dress was blue, something he told me I looked good in, saying that it made my skin glow even more. I smiled remembering that._

_After a long warm shower, I got dressed, put on a small amount of make up, just accentuating my eyes and my lips, put on my "not too high" heels, I didn't want to ruin the night with my clumsiness. I was so excited that I was shaking while I put on my heels._

_Tonight needs to be special, extra special. After much thinking, I decided that tonight would be the night that I give myself fully to Robert. We have talked about having sex for quite some time now. I told him that I wanted to do it after I get married, being old fashioned and all. I want to give my virginity to someone I truly loved. Sharing that special moment with one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. At this moment, that person was Robert. I love him. I would do anything for him. It might sound cheesy but as long as he's happy, I am happy. I don't need to wait now, I love him and I want to show him how much. _

_Also, I decided that tonight would be the night since I realized that the longer we waited, the more things got complicated between us. We have pushed our physical boundaries many times. However, we haven't gotten pass touching each other. Making out with him was awesome. But as time passes, we got more and more sexually frustrated. He doesn't mind though. He was patient with that kind of stuff. When I stop, he stops, though I could see it in his eyes that we wanted more. He respected my decision, the gentleman that he is. _

_Robert is a year older than me and since I am a senior, he is already in college, studying at WU. It made our time together limited but I tried not to complain for I know it would only make our situation worse. I tried to be contented at what we have. We called each other everyday, he comes home to visit me during the weekends and we would spend the whole weekend together. It was perfect. And tonight, he decided to take me to my senior prom though he wasn't in high school anymore. This made me love him even more. _

_He called me earlier this morning telling me that he has a surprise waiting for me. I hate surprises but as long as its from him, I didn't mind. I was so excited that I nearly fell off the stairs as soon as the door bell rang. _

_I tried to steady myself and carefully opened the door. I was caught off guard when I saw the figure in front of me._

_Robert was gorgeous, I couldn't deny that. He was tall, well built and had this smile that makes my knees weak even after two years of being together. I loved everything about him. His smile, the way he touches me, the way he cares for me. I couldn't complain one bit. _

_My cheeks immediately blushed as I saw him gave me that breath taking smile when he saw me. even after the long tome we've been together, he still manages to do things tome that no one else would. He took my waist and immediately kissed me with so much passion I thought I would faint. _

"_Happy anniversary love" he breathed on my ear, after letting gasp for air._

"_Happy anniversary" and he kissed me once more_

"_Ahem…" I heard my father cough making us break away from our kiss._

"_Good Evening Mr. Swan, Mrs. Swan.." he politely said to my parents. _

_My parents liked Robert. Everyone does. After taking like a thousand pictures, courtesy of my lovable mother, we were off to prom._

_We sat at his car, comfortably silent all throughout the drive. He was holding my hand all the way to school, something I couldn't complain one bit. After arriving at school, he took me again and kissed me once more, knocking the breath out of me. _

"_what was that for?" I asked after regaining my breath_

"_For looking like that.." he eyed my dress with fire in his eyes, still holding me tightly by the waist._

"_I should say the same to you Mr. Dazzling" I kissed him again._

_  
"if you keep doing that, I might want to get you out of here and give you my surprise already…" he teased me, with that perfect smirk on his lips._

"_Lets get inside and get this over with so that we could get to your surprise already…" I said pecking his lips once more._

_We went inside the gym, and went to sit t our table. Our friends met us and after a few chat…_

"_May I have this dance??" he playfully kneeled in front of me taking my hand_

"_You know I don't dance love," I said, frowning at him_

"_Its all in the leading babe" with that, he took my hand and led me to the dance floor._

_Sweet music was playing in the background. I placed both of my hands around his neck while he tightly placed his around my waist. We swayed to the music while looking into each other's eyes. _

_The way he looked at me, made my eyes water. I could see the love in his eyes, like we were the only ones in the room. He held me tighter, as if we weren't close enough. I did not complain to that. After a few moments, I kissed him, passionately, not able to take the emotion that was building inside my chest. I kissed him letting all the love I felt for him flow through that kiss. After a long moment, we pulled away, gasping for air. He placed his head at the crook of my neck, exhaling there, making me shiver with passion. _

"_I love you so much" I said while stroking his long hair._

"_I love you too." Placing a kiss on my neck_

"_Let's get out of here, I couldn't take it anymore. I don't want these people to see what I want to do to you dressed like that." He said licking his lips._

"_okay," I said, while giggling like a child._

_We got into his car, him still holding my hand while driving._

_He parked the car in not too far away from the school. The place was deserted, but not creepy at the same time. I couldn't feel afraid, knowing that Robert was with me. I could go anywhere as long as he's with me. _

"_Lets sit out back" he said as we got out of the car, and went to the back seat. _

_He immediately devoured my lips as soon as we sat. he kissed me like he hasn't kissed me before. Touching every part of me he could. My hips, my face,… the pressure was building up inside me that I could take it anymore. _

_I guess he sensed what I wanted and he stopped, making me breathe. As soon as I gasped for air, he took my face in his. He looked at me and I could see his emotions through his eyes._

_Lust, passion, love… these was all I saw in his eyes. We looked at each other for a long moment. I need to make my plan work. We were on our side then, I took him off guard. I placed both of my knees around his legs, straddling him. I lifted my dress a bit, feeling how hard he was between my core. I grounded my hips to him eliciting a moan from him. We were still looking at each other then. _

_I need to feel his lips once more. I was about to erase the distance between us, but he backed away, taking my face in his hands. I didn't expect that. I felt rejected, I looked at my palms, trying to avoid his gaze._

_He lifted my chin, making me look at him._

"_I thought this is what you wanted? Tears threatening to spill any moment._

"_I do, love, I do. I just have to give you my surprise first." The moment he said that, the rejection I felt was replace with excitement. _

"_Okay" was all I managed to say, feeling like an idiot for jumping into conclusion._

_He reached for his pocket and took out a small box. I gasped as soon as I saw it. The tears of rejection from earlier spilled across my cheeks. But the tears now were not from rejection, but from happiness. He was going to propose? I couldn't believe it. Did he love me that much that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me?_

_I was crying hard now, and he hasn't even spoken yet._

"_I wanted this to be more romantic but I don't have enough time. Isabella Marie Swan? The moment I saw you, you already captured my heart. You are perfect, exquisite, wonderful. I couldn't think of any other word to describe how beautiful you are. You are everything to me and I love you so much." He opened the box and it wasn't what I expected. It wasn't a diamond ring. In the box was a silver ring, with a crystal blue stone embedded around it. It was perfect and I could not ask for anything more. _

"_This is not an engagement ring, not yet. This is a promise ring. This ring represents my promise to you. From this day on, I promise to love you, take care of you, adore you. This ring will hold a promise. A promise that one day, when both of us are ready, I will take your hand and make you my wife. I love you so much and I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I promise to be true to you and keep you safe. I am yours and you are mine, forever."_

_The tears flowed freely now. I couldn't think of anything to say after that. He place the ring on my left finger and kissed it. I couldn't make any coherent words, different kinds of emotion flowed through me now. He promised to make me his… I couldn't agree with him more. I love him and I want to be with him, forever._

_As soon as he kissed my finger, I immediately kissed him, deeply. I kissed him like ive never kissed him before, letting my emotions fill the kiss. When I gasped for air, I kissed every part of him that I could, his eyes, his cheeks, his nose, his neck. I couldn't get enough of him._

_This night could not have been any more perfect. What I planned earlier could not have fit perfectly to the situation. As soon as we broke apart, I stared right into his eyes and started unbuttoning his shirt. His vest was discarded earlier. He watched me intently as I tried to take his shirt off. _

_Once his muscled chest was visible, I immediately planted wet kisses anywhere my lips could reach making him moan with pleasure. I kissed his lips once again and this time, he went over to reach the back of my dress, letting the zipper flow slowly down my spine. He did this urgently, making me chuckle with his impatience. _

_As soon as the dress was off, he started kissing my shoulders, way down to my breasts, making me arch my back in pleasure. He cupped one of my breasts with his palm while he sucked lightly on the other. I couldn't get enough as I placed my hand on his hair, tugging him closer to my body._

_He became more urgent as he went to suck on my other breast. That nearly sent me over the edge. I wanted more, I needed more. I thrust my hips on his erection making me moan while he was busy with my breast. I needed the friction, I needed release. Just as if he could read my mind, he met my thrusts making his hips sway in rhythm with mine. _

_I needed to taste him once more so I grabbed his head and kissed him. Our tongues played around each other fighting for dominance. I let him win, making him take over. I didn't mind one bit. As long as he's satisfied, so am I._

_We managed to remove all of our clothing now and as we stared at each other, completely naked. Even though we were sitting, me straddling him, he managed to take his clothes off. I would have thought of another more romantic place to make love to him, but we couldn't wait anymore. _

_I was beginning to feel uncomfortable then feeling the wetness between my thighs. I could feel him fully hard under me as well and there is not much left to do. As if he could sense what I was feeling, he asked…_

"_I don't have a… uhmp… I didn't think we would be…" he said awkwardly looking at me_

"_You don't have to worry love, I'm on the pill."_

"_So you planned this huh?" he said a playful smile across his lips._

"_Oh I dreamed of it, plus, it does great with my skin" I replied, wanting him to get inside me already._

"_Are you ready?" he asked placing both his hands in between my face_

"_Yes…" with that, he placed the tip of his erection at my center while I buried my face in his neck._

_Slowly, he pushed himself in me. I winced in pain but I did not want him to see that. It was too painful, I nearly cried… but I told my self to suck it in, knowing that I was giving him pleasure. _

_He thrust slowly in me, still adjusting knowing that I was still tight. He moaned as soon as he was fully inside me. he moved himself in me carefully not wanting to hurt me in the process._

"_Bella, look at me…" he said and I obeyed._

_We looked at each other while his pace slightly quickened. After a few more thrusts, the pain started to subside, making me feel pleasure rather than pain. When I got accustomed to his size, is started to meet his thrust with the sway of my hips. He kissed me passionately while keeping one hand firmly on my waist and the other cupping my breast. _

_We were panting heavily now, as we quickened our tempo. I thought that touching each other was pleasurable enough but him inside was far too much…_

"_Touch me Robert..." I said wanting to feel his hands rub against my center. I know that would make me fall over the edge quicker but I needed his touch._

_He obeyed and rubbed his fingers along my already soaking center making me arch my back even more. The feeling was too much that I suddenly felt a notch inside my stomach threatening to loose any moment. _

_His thrusts came faster and shorter as he breathed heavily. "I love you so much, Bella" he said as he continued his pace._

"_I love you too" and with a couple of deep thrusts, I came undone. It was a feeling I didn't expect. It's like I was riding high up and suddenly falling with a feeling far beyond comparison… pure ecstasy. I closed my eyes arching my back even more when I came. I rode out my orgasm as he came undone right after me. We were breathing heavily now, trying to recover our breaths. I collapsed above him, kissing his neck along the process._

"_That was amazing" he said kissing me fully once again. _

"_I love you" after a few moments, trying to recover, we noticed the time and we needed to get home. We got dressed and headed home. It was a Saturday and he needed to get back to campus because he had finals on Monday. It hurt knowing that he had to leave after what we had shared that night. He dropped me off at home. We were standing at the porch now, holding each other's hand_

"_I hate to leave you now, after that" he said, pain in his eyes._

"_I know, it kills me that you have to go. I love you so much and I don't regret every second of it."_

"_I could say the same to you. You were amazing love and its hard for me not to want more of that now." He said wiggling his eyebrows upward, teasing me._

"_I guess you just have to visit more often then" I giggled wanting to tease him a bit. Two can play the game._

"_Oh ill come by more often then. I think ill just drop out of school so I can spend each day with you" he kissed me on the lips, not long enough for my liking. _

"_there's nothing I love more than making love to you each and every day but you have school"_

"_Bummer.." I had to laugh at that_

"_As much as I hate you leaving,…" I pecked him on the lips… "You need to go. I don't want you driving alone in the middle of the night"_

"_Yeah, I love you so much Bella, remember my promise" he said as he looked me deep in the eyes_

"_Always.. I love you too" with one last kiss, he got into his car and drove away._

_My heart sank seeing him go. I wanted to spend more time with him, after what we had shared tonight. I needed him now. I went up to my room, and decided to take a warm bath. I felt sore, having been stretched inside. I didn't mind the pain, I wanted it. I enjoyed every moment of this night. He promised to make me his wife and I couldn't be any happier. I love him and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him._

_After getting dressed and off to bed, I immediately dozed to sleep, feeling tired of the previous event. I dreamt of him, waiting for me, while I walk down the aisle. Seeing his glowing face made me want to run to his arms. He wore my favorite smile as he held out his arms to me… I could not wish anything more.,._

_The next few weeks came as a blur. Robert became more and more busy with school, with his finals and all. We hardly got to talk over the phone. He also visited frequently saying that he had study groups for the weekend. It was killing me being apart from him for far too long. _

_I'll visit him this weekend I said to myself. I wanted to surprise him._

_After lunch, I'm off to WU after talking to my parents about my plans. I was so excited I was jumping off my seat. The drive was not that long and I packed my bag knowing that I would stay over until Sunday. He would freak out when he saw me there and I plan to make him happy all through out the weekend. _

_I parked in front of the campus and gathered my stuff. I immediately headed to the dorms trying to find out where his room is. He told me before where his room was teasing me, telling me that in case I wanted to visit. I laughed at that memory…_

_As soon as I ended up in front of his room, I took a deep breath before going in. he told me that he didn't have any room mate which was great. I don't need anyone interrupting us for what I have in store for him. _

_Another deep breath and I walked in, not minding to knock, wanting to surprise him._

_As soon as I laid my eyes on the figures that were on the bed, I gasped. My heart sank deep down as if it went to hell and not coming back. _

_Robert was on top of a blonde chick, breathing heavily while he pounded on her. The sounds they were making were loud enough that they did not even recognize me walking in on them. my breathing stopped as if the air was knock out of my chest. I wanted to yell at him, throw things at him, anything!!_

_All I managed to say was his name, whimper is more of a description._

"_Robert…" I said, tears flowing rapidly down my cheeks now…_

_They stopped immediately and looked at me, shocked._

_He quickly got off the slut under her and wrapped himself with the blanket_

"_Bella, this is..."_

"_You cheating on me!!" I yelled not loud enough to let the people across the room to hear._

"_Bella, let me explain" he said while he put on his boxers reaching for me_

"_It's over…" was all I managed to say, taking the ring he gave me and throwing it on the ground._

_I stormed out of his room as fast as I could as if I was being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. I wanted to leave, I wanted to disappear right that moment. Anything to make the pain coursing through my chest subside._

_Robert, the love of my life… the man who swore to love me, take care of me, and make me his was a lousy, evil, good for nothing cheater. I wanted to hurt him, to make him feel the hurt that he's caused me. I cannot grasp the idea that he, after the million times he swore he loved me and adored me… all of it was a lie… a lie that I would regret believing for the rest of my life. _

_The thing that I regret the most was I gave myself to him. I gave my whole heart, not leaving anything for myself. I gave him the whole me, and now, I don't know if I am able to take back._

_I ran and ran as I reached my truck. I wasted no time and pushed the key inside and let it thunder to life. I did not look back. I did not want to. It would only make me feel worse… but I don't think that I would feel any worse than what I am feeling now. _

_He tried to stop me, running after my truck, but I dared not to look back. I want his face to be erased from my mind. I wanted him out of my mind…. Impossible I know, but I want to try. _

_I arrived at home, not really caring about my parents. I got out of my truck, eyes red and swollen from crying and went immediately to my room. _

"_Honey what's wrong?" I heard my mom called but I did not look at them._

_I just went inside my room and locked the door. As soon as the door was locked behind me, I fell to the floor. Placing my face in my hands, I cried, and cried, and cried for what seems like forever. I didn't realize how long I was sitting there crying. I didn't care that my parents were pounding at my door, I didn't care that the sun was starting to rise out of my window. I just sat there, wanting to numb the feeling in my heart, wanting to rip my heart of my chest and throw it out the window._

_How could I be so stupid? He lied to me and I let him… I loved him and this is what he does to me. I gave him me… all of me and he just played with it, did he really loved me?_

_The tears threaten to fall once more and I fought it. I got up, even though moving seemed impossible and went over to my bed. I didn't bother taking off my clothes, even my shoes. I just laid there, on my side, staring out the window._

_It seemed like forever, me lying there. I didn't bother to eat, get up or even get dressed. Sleep crept up to me frequently but I fought it. My dreams only involved him, and me… walking down the aisle. I hated it. I tried not to let sleep take over knowing that its his face ill see._

_Days passed but I could not care less. I lay there, wanting to make every tick of the clock stop. I knew that if I let time pass, it would only make the pain grow, knowing that it would crawl back again to me. every heart beat was like a sharp knife, piercing my heart open, like the wound cant get any deeper… I held myself together, clutching my knees, as if it would glue me in once piece… I wanted to disappear, to die…_

_  
End of Flashback_

The feeling came all rushing back to me, here at this cold bathroom. The tears that remained a remembrance of the pain Robert has caused me flowed freely down my cheeks now.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, I just let the tears fall knowing I couldn't fight them.

Edward, the one guy that I felt I could take a chance with, happened to be like Robert. I hated it, I didn't want this. I mustn't want this. I don't want to feel that excruciating pain once more, like I'm being torn alive. The pain in my chest is starting to really increase now, making me breath more heavily, knocking the breath out of me. The tears were now running like a warm rush of water fall. I didn't mind wiping them away, I couldn't move, I just wept….

I didn't feel numb now, the sight of Edward, knowing who he is, made the pain alive once more… like gash that Robert left in my heart was being forced open once again. Making it ache once more… forgetting seemed impossible now…

I was take out of my misery when I heard someone pounding on my door…

"Bella? Are you okay?" the voice said… I didn't want to answer, I just remained where I was not minding the one behind it.

"we're coming in!!" with that, the door went wide open, revealing two figures I cant quite decipher from the tears that drowned my vision…

**a/n: quite a long chapter here… I just wanted to let you guys know who Robert was.. sorry for the name, I just couldn't use Jacob or James anymore,., **

**Reviews please.. really appreciate it.. thanks!!**


	5. First Touch

**Title: Whisper Something Fragile**

**Chapter 5: First Touch**

**Summary: **Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all from the genius that is SMEYER.. :D

**BPOV**

"We're coming in!!"

Even before I was able to look back at the door, it swung open. The tears that formed in my eyes were blinding me that I cant even open them.

The pain that was built inside my heart, the pain that I have kept all this time, came crashing down on me now that I find it hard to breathe. The pain was knocking the breath out of me and I could not resurface. I sat there, motionless, crying like it was the only thing I know doing.

"Oh my God Bella, what's wrong?" Alice said, concern pouring out of her panicked voice.

I wanted to yell at them, tell them to leave me alone in my misery. But nothing came out of my mouth, just loud, breathless whimpers.

"Bella, come here… What's the matter? Why are you crying?" Rosalie chimed in, plopping herself next to me on the bathroom floor.

Still, I sobbed, probably annoying them with my loud moans.

"I don't think she's ready to talk yet Rose… lets get her to bed" Thanks to Alice.

They helped me up the floor and gently walked to my bed, not minding the gush of tears flowing from my face. They tucked me in like I was a child who lost her puppy. Alice and Rosalie sat on both sides of my bed while gently caressing my shoulders while I lay on my side, clutching a pillow in between my arms.

I wasn't able to speak, not able to think. I just laid there, letting the painful tears engulfed the three of us. It was as if they truly understood. They sat there and let me be until finally the pain force me to drift to a numbing sleep.

My eyes fluttered open the next morning. They were swollen from the night's previous events. I laid there fro a moment, trying to recall what happened.

I cant believe I just let Alice and Rosalie see me like that. Even my own parents didn't see me fall apart over Robert. I just hid inside my room, cry silently under my pillows listening to my comfort music until I let sleep cover my consciousness.

I flipped over my side to notice if they were already awake. Much to my advantage, they were still asleep. _I need to explain myself to them when they wake up_ I told myself. There's no chance of me escaping. Especially with Alice.

I slowly hopped off the bed and headed to the bathroom to look at myself. My eyes were swollen as if I had gotten in to a fit with the school bullies. They were so swollen, that I find it hard to open them up fully. The bags under my eyes were as purple as a bruise, my face was sticky from the tears and m hair was a haystack. _Perfect_, I thought mockingly.

_What can I do to lighten up the mood when they wake up so as not to let them bombard me with pity questions?_ I hated people pitying me over this. That's why I always kept it to myself when I cry. I hate the look in their eyes as if I was the most pathetic thing in the world. I hated it when they tell me that everything's going to be fine when they wont, I hated it when they act as if they know what I feel, when they don't. I just hated it.

Call me cynical… but I guess this is what has become of me, after everything that's happened. Don't get me wrong…

I wasn't always like this. I used to be that girl, the girl who believes in _love at first sights, damsel in distress, and perfect-guy-who'll-sweep-you-off-your-feet-and-live-happily-ever-after type of girl. _

Heck! I used to be sociable. I loved hanging out with my friends, _our friends_. Before I don't lock myself in my room, slouching on the bed, book in hand. I enjoyed my life then, back when I had a life.

He totally broke me… shattered me to pieces that until now, I don't know how to fix.

So, everyday, for the past year, I put on a brave face. A face saying _don't mess with me cause I don't care about you_… I don't want people barging in my life and wanting to know everything about me. I want them to back the hell off.

But last night was a different story. I broke down and I let them see it. I didn't even bother pulling myself together to act fine… I just let them comfort me,,, I wonder why is that exactly. When they were comforting me while I wept curling on my bed, I had this strange feeling that I wanted it, that I needed it.

I don't have any close girl friends, not even when we were together. I had girl friends but we weren't able to get pass acquaintances. _I want them to get close to me for a change.. I want late night movie marathons, slumber parties, midnight make-overs, all day gossiping about boys, someone to talk to about guy problems and all those girlie stuff girlfriends have…._ I shoved these thoughts out of my head,

_Of course they wont want that now, after last night, they must think I'm needy and pathetic, wasting their time._

I exited the bathroom with a loud sigh, but not loud enough to wake them. _They must be exhausted after dealing with me last night. _

I went to the kitchen and decided to make some breakfast for the three of us. I wanted to do something nice for what they did for me last night.

I settled for blueberry pancakes and waffles. I also put out the cereal, milk and orange juice in case they didn't prefer the first choice. I went over to sit at the kitchen counter and nibbled on my waffle, thinking of an excuse that would let me off the hook from what happened last night. _I cant tell them… they would pity me… but I want to…I feel like they're different… but what if they're not???_

I placed my fingers over my temples and squeezed my eyes shut. This is giving me a headache! I want to tell them but I'm afraid they won't understand. _But what if they do? They kept me company last night after all. _Argh!

Okay I think I have to tell them anyways… but not today at least…

As when I was about to finish my breakfast, Alice sheepishly went to the kitchen, peeking her tiny little head out. _She's adorable…sigh_

"Hey, how are you feeling?" her tone was different now, not the high pitched I got used to.

"I've had worse..." I said with an attempt to smile, but failing.

"You can talk to us if you want to. We're here to listen if you're ready" concern oozing from her tone. _Why did she have to be so caring?? I'm really having a hard time hating her…_

"Ah… perhaps not this moment Alice, I'm not ready yet. You might think I'm pathetic or something if I tell you."

"That's ridiculous." Rose came out of nowhere and stayed on my side, obviously eavesdropping at the other side of the room.

"You say that now..."

"Bella, if it bothers you that much Its not pathetic at all. If you need someone to talk to we're all ears. Anytime, just let us know when you're ready."

"I will… and uh…" _here's the awkward "girlie" part…_

…"thanks, for last night. It really means a lot to me that you stayed by my side."

"You don't have to thank us, its what friends do.. and we're friends now.. Right?" Alice said unleashing her "puppy wide eyes" on me… How can I say no to that? _I want them to be my friends, I needed it._

"Of course…"

"Yey! Now, since we're friends already, then it entitles you to a shopping's spree with me and Rose. You need it trust me…" she said after gawking at me from head to foot.

"I don't like shopping Alice, it bores me to death." The mood seemed to light up now. Give it to Alice to brighten up any dull moment.

"Anyone loves shopping, right Rose?"

"Absolutely"

"Well, not me… "

"I don't care… your coming with,, and I don't take no for an answer… plus, it would be nice to unwind Bella, to forget what ever it is you're thinking."

"I'm fine now, really" trying to sound enthusiastic, but I don't think they'll buy it. I'm a lousy liar anyway.

"Yeah, and I have a third nipple… come one, you're a lousy liar!" I had to laugh at that.

"Okay, okay… fine I'll go. Happy now?"

"Not yet." Alice said with an evil grin on her face. _What did I get myself in to?_

"Fine, have some breakfast, I made them for you by the way, for last night. I'll take a shower and we'll leave."

"Ha ha.. I know you like shopping with us too." Rose mocked an evil laugh

"Yah, yah… just get those cleaned up…" _you evil witches… _

I've tried to hate them ever since I first saw them. But Alice and Rosalie wasn't a bit of what I thought they would be. They were the opposite! As much as I want to find a flaw in them, I cant. They were so nice to me and it kills me to give them attitude they don't deserve. So maybe I will act normal around them. Try to be close even… anything to keep friendship.. friendship that I would, for the first time, try to have… because, as I said,, I needed it. Now more than ever…

"How much longer Alice?? My feet are killing me.. literally"… I whined, carrying what seemed like a dozen shopping bags on both of my aching arms.

"Oh don't be such a baby Bella, we have just been shopping for two hours! Why don't you be like Rose there?" pointing at Rosalie who was scanning a rack of sexy lingerie, delight in her eyes.

"Well im not like Rosalie Alice, I'm not obsessed with clothes. Besides, what's wrong with my old clothes anyway?"

"exactly.." was all she said as she dragged me inside the lingerie store Rose was and violently tugged me to sit at the couch next to the dressing room.

"Argh!" was all I managed to say. _She'd pay for this later…_

So, 3 and a half painful hours, 30 clothing stores, 3 pairs of outfit and 2 lingerie later, we finally get to eat. _Finally…_

"Movie marathon anyone?" Rosalie excitedly told us after getting in the car….

"Movie marathon?" I asked, confused.

"Yeah, it's when spend hours watching a dozen or so of DVDs and order in… its very relaxing really. What do you say Bella? Up for it?"

"I guess…"

"Okay, lets get home so I could call the guys and ask them to buy food" Alice said turning on the ignition

_call the guys… _the words came ringing in my head.. _guys…_

That means, Emmett, Jasper and… _I did not want to say the name, not even inside my head._

The ride home went by as a blur. I was too caught up with the thoughts of seeing Edward again. _How can I act around him? I don't think I'm ready to see him yet, especially spending the whole night watching movies in our room. I'm in so much trouble._

After arriving at our room, Alice dropped all her stuff inside her "new" closet,_ which by the way took up almost the room, thank God, the distance between the two beds was big enough… our dorm room was big enough._ She immediately dialed on her phone and went to the kitchen while talking.

_What would I do when he comes in here? I don't know how to react when he speaks to me again. I don't want him anywhere around me at the moment. But I don't think I'll be able to stall this time, having Alice around. She'll probably grab me and force me to stay anyways.. there's no way I can get out of this._

_What would I do?_

After a few moments of contemplating, I decided to head out for a while, clear my head.

"Uhm,,, I'll just take a walk outside. I wont be long"

"Okay, hurry back okay? They're on their way here" Alice yelled from across the room.

After I closed the door behind me, I let out a loud sigh. _What now???_

I walked out of the building and went to the park, which was not far from where we're staying at. It had a wooden bench big enough for two and a fountain standing across from it. The grass was green, and perfectly tamed. It looked very peaceful… enchanting even, with the dusk threatening to seep in.

_Perfect place to think, _I thought.

I sat on the bench and rested my head on the back of it, scooting forward and spreading my legs a bit. I stayed like that for a few minutes, just letting the sound of the air and the splash of the water to consume me, calm me... I was about to drift from consciousness when I heard someone chuckle…

I sat quickly, almost loosing my balance… almost…

"What are you doing here?"

There he was,,, Edward. I tried not to examine him and continued to stare at the ground. I don't want to be distracted again.. with those eyes… lips…

"I should s-say the same to you" I tried to remain as calm as I can, obviously failing with my stutter.

"I was heading to your room, Alice called. She said tonight's movie marathon night" he said matter-of-factly.

"Ow" was all I managed to say.. _Duh? _"Then why are you not up there yet?" I didn't mean to sound too quizzical but I just had to be like this to him.. I don't have any choice.

"I decided to take a walk first before going up, to think. Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be up in your room?" his voice was as curious as mine now.

"I decided to take a walk too" finally standing up

"Uhmp… are you done now?" I sensed a longing in his voice, though I'm not quite sure if he means it.

"Ah… yeah why?"

"Why do you always ask like that? Like I'm some kind of criminal or something? Don't you think that I'm just trying to keep a conversation with you?" He said, his eyebrows furrowing

"Why would you want that?" I asked curiously

"You're doing it again" a playful smile appearing on his lips now.

"I have to go, Alice is waiting" with that, I started to walk pass him but he grabbed my arm in the process

"Wait…" he said as he turned me around to face him. His touch had the same effect it did the first time we met, only more powerful now. It's like a shock that's suppose to frighten me away, but it didn't. this shock is comforting, electrifying, blissful. I wanted him to touch me… but I need him not to… those are both different things…

I didn't let myself go this once, something I don't know why. Instead, I just stood there, facing relatively close to his face…

He let out a soft sigh and I was able to catch his breath… sweet and warm.. if I didn't have enough self control, I would have closed my eyes and reach for his lips, tasting that delectable feeling and never wanting to let go…

But I know better…

"Why don't we seat here for a while? The boys are not yet here anyways… lets talk"

_Oh no… talk? What could we possibly talk about?_

"About what?" I asked, keeping my voice calm though I think I managed to let out a squeal.

"Uhmp.. I don't know, anything. Tell me more about you and ill tell you more about me. I think since we will be seeing each other a lot here in college, we better get started knowing each other. What do you think?" _there's that smirk again… I would have fainted right here if he wasn't holding my arm.. wait! He's still holding me?_

"O-okay?" I freed myself from his grasp, and sat on the bench again, waiting for him to do the same. My answer sounded more like a question than an answer.

After seating, which was far too close, by the way, he faced me and smiled again. _How can I hate you when you look at me like that?_ I asked myself.

"So, all I know about you is that your from Forks, an only child, and taking up Literature.." _don't forget that I'm also insanely attracted to you!!_

He let the sentence hanging, gesturing his hand for me to continue. _What could I possibly say? What did he want to know?_

"Uhmp,,, what do you want to know?" I tried to make my voice a little irritated so that we would get a hint of my annoyance… _my fake annoyance that is…_

"Anything… uhmp… lets see…" he playfully tapped his finger under his chin, pretending to be deep in thought.

I rolled my eyes to that, letting out an exasperated sigh…

"What's your favorite color?" he asked quickly

"Green!" _oops… _I regretted saying that… for the past 19 years, my favorite has been blue, but the image of his eyes immediately flashed through my eyes, not really able to control my thought when I answered.

"Oh-kay…" he said in between chuckles. He must have noticed how easily I answered his questions

"Why?" he asked

"Why what?"

"Why green?" _cause it's the color of your eyes…_

"I don't know.. its beautiful… refreshing… you?" I looked away trying to hide my blush which probably turned red by now, feeling the heat on my cheeks.

"I've always liked black.. its manly… but lately I cant keep my mind off of brown…" he looked at his foot now

"I don't know why." He sheepishly looked at me when he said that, half smiling though not reaching his eyes. I had to look away again, feeling how hot my cheeks are becoming. _Did he mean that? Was he flirting with me?_

We talked like that for a few more minutes, avoiding each other's gaze. I tried my very best to sound annoyed and even bored, but each time he answers one of my questions, I light up. Wanting to now more of him. He too seemed eager to know me, shooting random and silly questions here and there. We were able to talk about music, movies, books, hobbies and the like.

"I don't like rap... seriously… I mean it sounds all the same to me! same beat, same rhythm… same nonsense lyrics! If its not about money, its about girls or drugs.. I don't get it.!" (a/n: no offense meant :D)

I giggled after him saying that. The look on his face looked like he meant every word… _he doesn't really like rap music.. I get it.. _

"I get it… So what kind of music do you listen to?" I asked, feeling more at ease now.

"Anything but that, alternative, mellow rock.. anything… I even got a hold of the classics lately, but that's just between you and me." he added with a wink

"I have a band actually, three of my friends in high school decided that we should make a band, you know, so we can play together and stuff… they're really nice guys… we don't do big shows though, we just play when there's an occasion or when we feel like it. Its more of a hobby that a profession actually" his eyes lit up when he was saying this, reflecting his passion for music and his love for his band. _Can this guy get any more perfect?_

"What do you play?"

"Guitar and a little piano… I'm still learning how to play piano but I learned to play guitar since I was 12. after my parents divorced I guess I poured my attention to learning to play the guitar. Its what kept me sane…" he docked his head and sniggered to himself.

"That's nice.." _I meant that…._

"Yah, how about you? I kept on babbling things about me and you rarely share things you like."

"I like reading, but mostly I write. I feel more at ease and free when I write, letting out all the frustrations.. you know? Writing is my therapy and music is my medicine"

"What do you like writing?"

"Anything, what ever soothes my mood, poems, short stories, I've been wanting to write a song for the longest time now but I cant seem to find the right words."

"I can help you with that if you want to. I mean you can write the lyrics while I write the melody" a genuine smile placed on his face, showing his sincerity

"I don't know, I'm not inspired yet,I wouldn't know what to write"

"Well, let me know, I'd love to work with you" all of a sudden, he placed his right hand atop of mine and flashed me a smile knocking the breath out of me.

We stayed like that for a few moments. I couldn't get myself to retrieve from his touch, let alone take my eyes off of him.

He started to lean closer and that's when reality hit me on the back of my head.

_Hey! What are you doing you're supposed to hate him remember? Stop!_

"Uh, yah, like you're serious. Why would you want to write with me? My lyrics would probably be lame…" I freed my hand from his grasp and looked away. I had to ruin the moment.. I had to…

I cant be close to him now.. not ever… though he's so nice and looked so genuine, I still cant be sure. I cant keep a relationship with him,… I mustn't…_friends?? Friends… may be we can be friends… just friends… alright.. friends… nothing past that… friends… *I have to stop saying friends..*_

My sudden mood change had taken Edward by surprise, the look in his eyes seemed new. His eyes looked disappointed, offended. I couldn't bear looking in his eyes so I stood up and started to walk away.

"Aren't you coming? Alice would draw a fit if we miss her "movie marathon" thingy…" looking past my shoulder so that I didn't have to look straight to him

"Right" his tone was flat, emotionless.

The walk back to the apartment was awfully silent. Awkward and painful. I couldn't look at him, though I see him occasionally peeking a glance at me through the corner of my eyes. I forced myself to look straight ahead, keeping my distance to not let our skins touch. Another touch from him might crumble my defense.. I cant let that happen.

After a long walk, which seemed to be shorter than before when I was alone, we arrived at the dorm room. He opened the door to let me pass before him, still avoiding his eyes.

"Where have you two been? We've been waiting for you two.. we have to eat!" a growling Emmett greeted us, standing from the couch.

"Well hello to you too brother…" said Edward, an evil smirk on his lips. I looked away when he was about to look my way.

"Whatever lets eat!" Emmett stormed to the kitchen, Rosalie in tow, who by the way seemed oblivious of Emmett's fit.

How can she keep up with that? _Love I suppose…. Sigh…_

After about 3 family pizzas, 2 pastas, and 3 pitchers of sodas later, we were stuffed. I had to stand to keep my breathing even, since my pants felt like it was about to explode.

After the guys cleaned up, which Alice forced them to, we headed off to the beds where the large plasma TV was placed. _I didn't notice that earlier… Oh right, cause they just bought it a while ago… I tend to forget how rich they were (yah, like I could forget)_

We decided to see two different genres of movies, chick flick and an action movie, so that the guys could enjoy themselves as well. We ended up picking the notebook, serendipity, and the two installments of the fast and the furious…

"So we get a bit of drama and jam-packed action!" as Emmett put it, slamming fists together to accent his point.

After Alice put the movie on, she went to switch off the lights. She and Jasper went to her bed, snuggling closer under the covers, followed by Emmett and Rosalie, who cuddled even closer on their bed. Edward and I were left standing in between their beds, looking away from each other… _awkward much???_

"What are you two still doing there? Aren't you gonna watch the movie?" Emmett asked, looking suspiciously at both of us.

With that, Edward and I looked at each other and then to my bed. _Uh oh,,, we have to share? Does that mean I get to snuggle with him too???_The thought of his arms around me was so tempting,…. Yet so wrong at the same time… I had to do something,,, its my bed anyways..

"Uh… I could sit on the floor…" he sheepishly asked under his long lashes.. _how could I say yes to that knowing he would be uncomfortable? _even if I don't want anything to do with him, I still cant let him sit on the floor for long hours… plus, the thought of him next to him was very appealing.. very alluring…

_Okay so maybe I could let him sit next to me. That doesn't mean we should touch or anything… we could just sit…_

"Don't be silly, you can sit on my bed"

Even when I was a kid, I used to having my television in my room, something my parents spoiled me with. I sneak up late during weekdays and watch cartoons all the time. Also, I have gotten used to lying on my stomach, pillow in hand, resting my chin. It's the most comfortable position for me while watching TV.

Tonight would be an exception to that…

Edward and I stood still for a few more moments, looking at my bed. Freakishly awkward I know, but I think he's also contemplating on whether or not he should sit next to me.

"Oh just sit next to each other already! Geez!!" Emmett rumbled again, making us jump a bit.

I guess I had no choice then. I slowly sat on the side of my bed, awfully standing upright, which was not how I usually sit, which was slouching. Edward then sat to the other side of my bed. I saw him from the corner of my eyes that he too was as stiff as me, probably as uncomfortable as I am.

A few minutes passed and I couldn't take it anymore. My back was aching and my eyes started to droop. I sighed heavily then picked up a pillow and laid on my stomach as far away as I can from Edward. As I did so, he was watching me. when I landed my chin on the pillow I was holding under my elbows, I glanced at him. He was staring at his lap now, with an expression I cant decipher, with the light being so dim.

I felt bad for him… "You can lie down too if you want to, I don't mind…" keeping my voice sounding "conversational" so as not to let him know how nervous I was.

He sighed deep too and laid on my bed, copying me.

I felt a little at ease now, though Edward was lying just a few inches from me. I cant seem to focus on the movie we were watching since I'm trying so hard focusing on keeping my voice even and forcing myself not to look at the God beside me. it made me frustrated and tired, keeping my stance calm and collected.

My eyes started to get tired and I started getting groggy. Another few moments and I was drawn to a sound sleep, the last thing in my mind was Edward's green eyes, smiling at me…

I couldn't remember how long I was asleep or how long it took for me to sleep… all I remember was this sleep was by far the most comfortable sleep I have ever had ever since… I tried hard not to remember…

I was awoken by hushed giggles around my head… I didn't open my eyes just yet… I laid there, still… trying to recall the night's events… all I can recall was Edward's eyes, watching my eyes draw to a close… other than that, I could not remember…

I felt that I was on my side now, legs wrapped around my pillow, clutching it tightly. Then suddenly, I felt a warm breath across my face… warm, sweet, even breaths… I tried my best not to fall asleep again, the breath was so soothing, so comforting that it almost brought me back to sleep…

Then realization hit me…

I popped my eyes open… and there it was… the pair of eyes that lulled me to the best sleep I ever had, greeting me with kindness and care… I wanted to stay there forever… stay close if I have to… if this was a dream, id be gladly stay here, right this moment and never move. If this was my imagination, my delusion, failing to give me my reality, then I'll gladly take it… to look at those eyes, I'd take anything, give anything… right at that moment… only those eyes held me to the place I was lying on.

Then I noticed that my hands weren't free…

I squeezed my hands ever so lightly feeling how warm it was despite the cold of the morning breeze… a pair of soft hands held mine in place.. slowly tracing a small pattern there… it felt amazing…

"Well good morning to you two…" a familiar boisterous voice knocking me out of my reverie…

Then it smacked me like a slap on the face… I wasn't alone…

_What the????....._

**a/n: Sorry for the crappy chapter you guys.. but still hope you like it… sorry for the cliffhanger too!! Thought you might need it so you can read the next chapter.. harhara.. don't mean to be mean though.. lolz.. reviews please.. thanks a lot.!! xoxo!! :D**


	6. Realization

**Chapter 6: Realization**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything :D**

"Well good morning to you two…"

I was brought back to reality after hearing that rowdy voice. I know it was Emmett but I had a hard time figuring that out since I was captivated by the pair if green orbs that lay before me.

_Holy shit! What happened last night? Why are Edward and I sleeping together on my bed? Why are we so close and what the hell am I doing holding his hand?_

As if someone splashed a bucket of ice cold water over my face, I quickly jumped out of bed, releasing my hand from Edward's grip. He too was a bit shocked but somehow he still held my hand. _What does this mean? Did he intentionally hold my hand while we were sleeping?_

After jumping out of bed, I nearly fell to the carpet when a pair of brawny arms held me in place.

"Slow down there little missy, its alright…" Emmett chuckled as he placed me back on my feet.

"What h-happened?... uhmp.. I need to go to the bathroom." I stuttered and went to lock myself inside the bathroom, keeping my head down to avoid the accusing stares of the people around us..

Luckily I was able to find the bathroom without tripping and violently shut the door and locked it.

_What does this mean? Oh God this is so embarrassing! Why was I holding Edward's hand? What the fuck! How am I supposed to explain myself out there?_

I contemplated to myself, closing my eyes and slumping to the tiled floor. I didn't know what to do and how to let myself out of this room. If I could, I would just lock myself here for days and not face them.. especially Edward…

_What would he think of me now? My plan was to avoid him remember? But shit!_ Every time I get near him it's as if I don't know anything anymore. As if I don't have this whole in my heart. It's as if he was the only one who can put it back together. I feel things I should not be feeling, think things that I should not be thinking and do things I should not be doing!!

This thing with Edward is so emotionally and physically frustrating... its draining my mind and we haven't even started school yet!

What am I supposed to do?

Ever since the moment I saw him, I was already drawn to him… even though I am a mess, it's as if he can fix me, put me back together again.

But when I found out that he is nothing like he seems to be, I had to take a step back, get away from him if I have to, though my heart was telling me otherwise. I hated guys like him, guys who lie to women, trick them just to get what they want. _That's what Edward is right? That's what I saw the other day_.

_But why was he so different yesterday at the park? Why was he kind and polite? It's as if I'm seeing the Edward I first saw, gentle, sweet and caring… I'm really confused._

_Was it all an act? Was he just trying to be nice to me? Why would he do that? What would he get out of me if he did?_

Oh my God, I think I'm going nuts!!, my mind is aching from all this thinking and my heart can't stop its rapid beating. I'm trying so hard to hold back the angry tear that's threatening to spill. But I won't cry, not today, I'm so sick and tired of it already…

So what am I suppose to say out there?

"Bella? What are you doing in there? Come on, we're going to have breakfast back at the boy's" I jumped from my seat when I heard Alice knocking on the bathroom door.

"uhmp,, go ahead I'm not hungry…" I don't want to go… especially at their place, not now…

"What? No! You're coming whether you like it or not… We'll wait for you!" She insisted

_ggrr!! That little pixie! She just doesn't take no for an answer. I guess I have nothing left to do… I have to face this… I don't want to be a coward.._

"FINE! Go ahead, ill be there in a bit just leave the address over at my bed!" I yelled at her, trying to convey how opposed I am to this.

"Yey! Okay ill see you soon! And don't get yourself in trouble in there! Hurry up…"

I thought she was already left when I heard her whisper trough the door

"Uhmp… Seriously Bella, I hope your fine back there, I just want you to have a good time so you'll forget what ever it is your dealing with, I don't mean to be such a push over, ill see you in a bit."

I didn't know what to say to that… _Alice really cares about me?? Why??_

After ten more minutes, I decided to stand up and leave the room. There's no point in prolonging it, they're expecting me to be there.

_But what will I do? What will I say if they asked?_

I opened the bathroom door slowly, still thinking. I was about to walk over to my closet when I was taken aback by what I saw.

Edward was still sitting on my bed, his head on his hand. I immediately stopped at the sight of him. I truly wasn't expecting him there, especially when everyone has already left.

His head snapped when he noticed me.

"Hey there, are you okay?" he said, concern in his eyes

"Ah… yeah I guess. What are you still doing here?" I furrowed my eyebrows. _Why does he have to be near all the time? I'm having a very hard time as it is, does he have to drown me more from my misery?_

"I wanted to talk to you.. and uh… you haven't been to our place yet so I decided to give you a ride" he said half smiling.

"Talk to me? What do you want to talk about?" here it goes

He quickly roved his hand through his already messy hair twice before standing up and looking at me.

"About this morning, I didn't mean to scare you like that. It's just that…" he started pacing now

"…It's just that, you were so restless in your sleep last night and its not that I had trouble sleeping with you like that… I guess I just wanted you to sleep soundly… and the only thing I could do was to hold your hand and…"

"…well, I initially wanted to put my arm around you and hold you close, I thought you were cold… but uhh, I don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage of you.. So I just held your hand… when I did that, you seemed to stop moving and well… I just held your hand tighter… so that's why you saw us like that this morning… and Emmett, well he was being Emmett, no need to feel embarrassed…" he let the sentence hanging

"I was restless?" I cut him off...

"Well, yeah, for a few minutes after you slept"

"Ow…" was all I was able to say.. I didn't know how to react to everything he just said.. _He wanted to hold me, but why? Maybe its something he does for his other girlfriends… but.. I wasn't his girl friend! Perhaps he just got used to it. I don't know.._

"Are you okay now? I didn't mean it to..."

"I'm okay now. I was just surprised that's all. I'm sorry"

"For what?"

"I didn't mean to keep you awake last night"

"No, actually when I held your hand… I mean,,, I was able to sleep soundly.." Edward said, smiling

_Why was he being so nice? He was supposed to be a jerk to me… I need him to be so that it would be easier for me to hate him._

"We need to get over there, I don't want to piss off Alice" I had to change the subject

"Right, that, so are you ready now?"

"Give me a minute, you could wait for me at the parking lot" I said, going over my closet

"Okay, I'll wait for you down stairs"

With that, he went out the door and I was left to myself.

After he was gone, I immediately brushed my teeth and put on new clothes trying to take my mind off somewhere else.

What is it with Edward? It seems like he's a different person when it's just the two of us and another person when we're around others… what is he trying to say? Does he like me? Or was he just being friendly?

God, I'm having a really hard time with this…

I went quickly to the parking lot, seeing him there standing next to his car.

"You ready to go now?"

"Yes…"

The car ride to his apartment was awkwardly quiet. I tried my very best to keep my eyes on the window, trying not to cheat a glance at him.

I thought of the things that have happened in the last couple of days… I liked him... So much... Ever since I saw him... But when I saw a side of him, as side that I truly disgusted… I hated it. It reminded me of Robert and what he did to me.

He broke my heart and up to this very moment, I'm trying to piece myself together. I didn't want to compare him to Robert, but I had no choice. They are alike… they both make my heart do things I had no control over, and both of them seem to act the same way….

However…

Edward seemed to have this effect on me I can't quite decipher. I have never felt like this confused before. I hate him but I can't seem to find it in me to truly push him away. It's not just the way he looks, but the way he makes me feel when he looks at me, when he touches me.

With Robert is a different thing… I loved him alright, truly did, but only now that I realize that he did not truly loved me back the way I did to him. When we first met, I didn't have the same reaction unlike my feeling towards Edward. Edward's effect on me was more powerful… more captivating… Robert slowly, but carefully made it to my heart, with his words and his charm…

_My mind is going berserk! I need my distraction…_

After a few moments of sweet torture, we arrived at their apartment. The boys managed to get their own apartment just a few blocks from the campus. They did not want to live inside the campus for "Social Purposes" as how Emmett puts it. Plus, they wanted to have separate bedrooms, unlike what the campus offers.

We went inside the building and into the elevator. The silence between us is maddening. I was silently praying for him to start up conversation to ease up the discomfort building as thick as the walls between us.

As if my prayer was answered…

"So, classes are about to start in a week…" He said, pushing his knuckles inside his pockets.

"Yah…" _awkward???_

"So what classes are you taking?"

"I have only 7 classes, at least 2 a day… You know the usual minor courses, Algebra, Theology, Biology…" I took a peek at him while saying this, so as not to look as stiff as I am now.

"That's good… I have the same… but I have other extra classes"

"Cool…"

The elevator door opened and he let me pass. The door to their apartment was not too far from it. It looks ancient, but I guess it's just the style and a single number 19 hung at the center of it. He then turned the knob and signaled for me to come in.

The apartment was huge of course, something I have anticipated even before I steeped inside. There was the living at the left which had a large flat screen TV hanging on the wall facing a large black couch and a La-Z-boy next to it. _Wonder to whom that was??? Oh yeah,, Emmett_

Under the enormous TV was a cabinet, probably bigger than my closet. The cabinet was slightly open revealing a massive stack of what looked like DVDs, or probably music CDs? I'm not quite sure. What really caught my eye was the two other cabinets screwed to the wall where what seemed like all the possible video games were placed, along with their DVD players. I was very impressed and awed.

Across the living room was the kitchen. It was simple, big and neat???

The gang was there, enjoying their breakfast while chatting amongst themselves.

Edward walked pass me headed to what I assume was his room. There were three doors inside, two were inline with the living room while the other was at the far end besides the kitchen. Edward's room was at the far end.

"I'll just go change, you can help yourself in the kitchen, they're already there." He said as he walked towards his room.

I dreaded this part. I wanted to sprint out of the apartment and back to our room, but I know that would be inappropriate._ Well, here it goes…_

"What took you so long?" Alice immediately screamed as soon as I stepped inside the kitchen

"Uhmp," I didn't know what to say… _it took us so long cause I wallowed inside the bathroom… you know the usual…_

"Don't worry about it Bella, here have some breakfast, what would you like?" thankfully, Jasper saved me from wrath that is to come from Alice. He put an arm around her shoulder, probably keeping her from going at me… I laughed inside realizing how adorable both of them looked. It's as if they're total opposites, Jasper calming the ever so hyper Alice.

"Thanks, Jasper." I smiled thanks to him, letting him know that I appreciate him letting me off the hook from the wrath that is Alice, _for now._

**EPOV**

"I'm heading off, I'll see you guys there in a bit!" I wanted to get over to the girl's first for two reasons. One, so that I could go to the park and wander there a bit. I liked it there, peaceful, quite, a perfect spot to just think and forget everything, before we get to spend time with the girls.

Then there's the other reason. Bella. When I first saw her, I was immediately blown away by her beauty. She was far different from any other girls I've seen. Her beauty was far from all of them, simple, yet captivating. She's different in a way that you want to know more… like you're left to be drawn by her anonymity… I was drawn, that's for sure.

Especially when I first talked to her. Her voice was like a melody, screaming for my attention, like I could not look away, even if I wanted to. When we first talked, I forgot who I was really, a jerk, a self absorbed moron who gets away with anything, gets anyone. That few moments that we shared the first time, its as if I'm not the man I was, but a different one. One that is willing to change, to forget who I was and just let go, and feel things I've never felt before.

But of course I had to put a stop to it. When Lauren came by that night, I was worried sick of what she would think of me. _Would she think less of me? Of course she will. _But I didn't have a choice. I have a reputation to protect. _Edward Cullen, the player _as some might refer me too. Yes, I fool around with girls, never wanting to have a deep and committed relationship, that's what they want right? I mean, that's what my parents wanted, to have their own lives back, nothing tying them together. I bet if they didn't have me, it would be easier for them to divorce, of course not having someone to support, to take care of.

They created me so.. they have no choice. Its not like I don't get anything good out of their separation. Life has been better since then. I get to have anything I want, get away with anything I do. It's a great life actually, having two presents for my Birthday, spending two Christmases, having two homes… what could I ask for? Im perfectly happy._ Or am i?_

Since then I do things my way, not considering anyone's feelings but my own. Girls fall for me, line up for me. But not even once have I ever let myself commit. All my relationships were if not driven by lust, was driven by an obligation, a reputation. I've dated shallow, oversensitive, needy girls who don't look pass the façade. They all seem the same to me.

Bella… she is by far the most ordinary, yet somehow very different person. One look and I knew it. She was different. At first I thought her as a challenge, a game I couldn't lose. I wanted to pursue her for nothing gets pass me. _Im freaking Edward Cullen for crying out loud!_

But the day at the park totally changed me

_What is she doing here?_

_I guess this game would be as easy as pie…_

_There she was, Bella, her head drawn back on the bench, her feet spread wide across the grass, her lips slightly parted. Is she asleep?_

_I decided to walk towards her, keeping my feet up so as not to let her know I'm here. God, this girl is amazing… her face seems to strike me and its only been the third time we've seen each other… I stifled a giggle at her amazing form._

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_I should s-say the same to you" there it is again, why does she keep on doing that? Was she nervous or scared of me? or perhaps happy??_

"_I was heading to your room, Alice called. She said tonight's movie marathon night." Its something the gang and I have gotten used to doing, atleast once a week, just to hang out and enjoy each other's company. Plus it was an excuse for my friends to show PDA in front of me... it annoys me sometimes, having friends who are happily together when I'm out "exploring" the world. It gets to me at times, knowing I don't have someone special, someone with a deep and meaningful connection with. _

_I never take girls to hang out with my friends. Just simple hi's and hellos would do fine, but not really hang out like they're one of us. I don't know why I did that actually, I guess I didn't want them to see the real me when I'm with my friends, or the other way around with these girls. Except for Emmett of course who probably knows me inside and out… I never complained knowing that._

"_Ow.. Then why are you not up there yet?" Was she still pissed at me? I didn't quite literally figured out why she got pissed off last night_

"_I decided to take a walk first before going up, to think. Why are you here? Aren't you supposed t be up in your room?"_

"_I decided to take a walk too" Oh this is far too easy. Now I can use the charm._

_Bella posted as a challenge to me ever since I saw her and I think now is the time to take that challenge. All I need to do now is to use the charm and lead my way there… was she really here to take a walk too? I doubt it, she's not even leaving! A positive sign asking me to pick it up a notch._

"_Uhmp, are you done now?" I hope she's not, I want her to sta._

"_ah yeah, why?_

"_Why do you always ask like that? Like I'm some kind of criminal or something? Don't you think that I'm just trying to keep a conversation with you?"_

"_Why would you want that?" This girl is unbelievable_

"_You're doing it again" Definitely different. What's with this girl? Other would have fallen for that already. Heck with that we might have been walking back to her dorm already. What's her deal?_

"_I have to go, Alice is waiting" What the? Now I'm a little annoyed. If I am going to pursue this girl, I have to do something. As if out of instinct, I grabbed her arm, stopping her from walking away. There it is again, that sensation. _

_I turned her to face me and let out a small sigh. Those brown eyes again. Looking at those orbs once more would have made me forget my plan and just let go. Her eyes were the most expressive, yet the most intricate eyes I have ever seen. I want to know her, talk to her._

"_Why don't we seat here for a while? The boys are not yet here anyways… lets talk" Yeah, talk, about what???_

"_About what?" There was uncertainty in her voice. A mixture of want and defiance._

"_Uhmp, I don't know, anything. Tell me more about you and ill tell you more about me. I think since we will be seeing each other a lot here in college, we better get started knowing each other. What do you think?" perfect time to use my charm. I smirked at her while looking deep in her eyes, that should give her something to think about._

"_O-okay?" it worked! She let go and sat on the bench once more. I sat next to her while thinking of things we should be talking about. Start with something light, I thought, just to keep the conversation flowing. I sat as close to her as I can, but not too close, so that she might not think I was taking advantage of her. That's the last thing I want her to think right now._

_Then we started talking about random things. The more we talked the more interesting she seemed to me. she answered every question I have and if I wasn't to guarded right this moment, I would assume that she's interested on me as well. Something I've never experienced with other girls. Most girls I've been with were only up for small shallow talks which eventually led to making out or sex. They were far to eager to get to the physical stuff. I got used to it, of course. I mean who would want to refuse a hot girl practically throwing herself at me? come on!_

_I tried my very best to keep my answers light, teasing most of the time. _

_As we talked, she started to loosen up a bit. Not the same as before, less defensive and more interested. We talked about her, her favorite things. I even told her about my band and surprisingly enough, she began to become more fascinated, engrossed even. She was nice after all._

_She likes to read and write… ah, a creative soul. Definitely different. I like her. Truly like her now. For a brief moment there I forgot what I wanted before. She is definitely not someone to be played…_

"_I can help you with that if you want to. I mean you can write the lyrics while I write the melody" I meant that, wanting to spend more time with her._

_She wanted an inspiration to write…_

"_Well let me know, I'd like to work with you" As if I didn't have control over my actions, I reached out and placed my hand in hers. Just like the first time, her hands were soft, warm but what's different this moment was that she didn't jerk away. Victory…_

_Bella was definitely not worthy of someone like me, a player. She deserves better, no not better but best. I immediately took a step back in my mind and think of what I previously planned to do. Do I really want to play with her? Do I still want to continue this game when I already know she's far from others? For a brief moment, I got sick to my stomach knowing that I wanted to harm this girl, trick her into this game that I know would eventually hurt her._

_I looked deep into her eyes, seeing hurt, pain, yet there was honesty, sincerity in them. I leaned forward, wanting to touch my lips to hers, anything that would ease the tension in my heart for the longing to know her more. Maybe this connection would give me some answers._

_She did not move, so I leaned in closer. Just when we're inches apart, she did what I didn't expect. _

"_Uh, yah, like you're serious. Why would you want to write with me? my lyrics would probably be lame.." its as if someone slapped me hard on the face. Where was the Bella I was talking to awhile ago? The carefree genuine girl who, for once I thought was interested on me? where did she go? _

_She freed herself from my touch and looked the opposite way. I shook my head down, quite disappointed. I know she's hiding something. She's been doing this to me since yesterday. Why did she always have to push me away? I know this is what she's doing. Why? Is it because of what she saw? I couldn't complain about that. But why wont she give me a chance to let her realize that I am different too? I can be different. I wan to be…_

_She stood and started to walk away. This made me feel more pained._

"_Aren't you coming? Alice would draw a fit if we miss her "movie marathon thingy…" she refused to meet my eyes. I wanted to shake her head then, wanted to snap her to realization of what she's doing. Its very obvious that she's avoiding me. but why?_

"_Right" that was all I managed to say._

_We walked back to her room, silence… every dragging step was like a chant mocking me… "you cant have her… you cant have her" But I want to!_

_We reached her room and she still hasn't talked to me. what did I do? Everything after that came to me as a blur. I was occupied with the thought of her, painful yet exhilarating._

_Then it was time for the movies. For the past years I have gotten to this "ritual". Jasper cuddled with Alice while Emmett and Rosalie does god knows what while I sit alone, as far away from them as possible. But tonight is different._

_Once the two couples were seated, Bella and I were left standing awkwardly. I wanted to do the same, sit close to her with my arms on her perfect body. But I know I couldn't do that, not now at least. I had no choice but to sit on her bed, since there was nowhere place left for me to settle. This means I had to sit next to her… Yes.._

_I stared at her bed, she, doing the same. What now? Would she want to sit with me?_

"_Uh… I cold sit on the floor…" I said shyly. I didn't want to impose something on her, not now that I know she's not comfortable getting close with me._

"_Don't be silly, you can sit on my bed" there it is again… mixed signals…_

_I sat on her bed then, uncomfortably so, I might add. I didn't know what to do, which was a first time._

_We stayed kike that for a moment, stiff as a board. Bella was doing the same as a cheated a glance from the corner of my eyes._

_A few more minutes passed and she started to move. She now lay on her stomach, her chin resting on a pillow. She seemed comfortable now, thank God. What would I do now? Should I lie next to her? I stared at my lap, thinking of what to do._

"_You can lie down too if you want too. I don't mind" that's what I needed to hear. I didn't waste anytime and laid next to her. Now im definitely comfortable too._

_I watched her form the corner of my eye, not brave enough to fully look at her. The small light from the television only made her eyes more beautiful, as if that was even possible. Her eyes started to give in, slowly drooping. Though I wanted to sleep too,, I fought it. _

_Moments passed and her breathing became more even, she's asleep now. I looked at the people around us and noticed them asleep too. _

_Bella and I were still lying on our stomachs. This is the moment I've been longing, to getclose to her and feel her. But I must not. I fought the urge to reach up to her and wrap my arms around her. I don't want to scare her. Then she started to shift. My breath got caught. Did I wake her? No… she moved her head and was now on her side, facing me. her hair covering her face, her beautiful face. I couldn't take it anymore, I need to see that god-like face. I hesitated for a moment but finally gave in. _

_I carefully pulled the hair that was covering her face, lingering there for a bit, wanting to feel her soft face. I tucked the strands of her brown locks to her ear. I smiled at her. She was frowning, her eyebrows burrowed. She seemed uneasy, something must be bothering her. She shifted again. But now I didn't mind. I know she was fast asleep, thought the thought that something is bothering her in her sleep made me uneasy too._

_For the past couple of minutes, she moved and moved. She was definitely perturbed. I had to so something._

_I couldn't take it anymore. I took her exposed hand, the one placed between us and held it. The sensation when I touch her never gets old. Its as if I'm touching her for the first time again. The sensation was frightening but somehow comforting. Its as if I'm the one needed consoling. When I took her hand in mine, she seemed to calm down. Her face became lighter, more peaceful. I too was feeling the same. _

_Touching her sent me a feeling of relief. As if I was in pain for a long time and her touch was the only cure. I traced patterns of circles with my thumb and that calmed her down more. Her breathing more even, her face gentle and playing with a peaceful smile. _

_I couldn't look away. I was afraid that if I let go, I would feel the whole again. I stared at her all night, not letting my hand far from hers. I didn't sleep, I just laid there, staring at her. I didn't need to sleep knowing she was resting serenely beside me._

_What is this feeling? Its relatively new to me. I'm scared to death, feeling like I have no choice, like I have to be close to her. Her every move only draws me closer to her, that I would be in pain if I leave. Leaving… not an option now._

_I didn't care if the others would see us like this. I couldn't care less… _

_The morning light crept inside the room. Not blinding.. no… more like inviting. The sun seemed asking for permission to enter, gladly creeping inside the poorly lit room._

_Just like the rise of the sun, it dawned on me…_

_The realization I've been waiting for…_

_Bella…_

_I like her, I like her far too much I'm not sure if its even possible or allowed even. I like her… I like her.. I like her…_

_The words kept on repeating inside my head like it's meant for me to wake up. The emotions that welled up on me were overwhelming, drowning me. for a long moment I stayed there, submerged from the sea of feelings I know I should not be feeling yet I wanted to. When I resurfaced, I was a different man._

_This game that I initially planned seemed ridiculous to me now. Like I would do anything to hurt her? NO! I couldn't. she deserves better than that. I like her.. painfully so…_

_I know that the others were waking up now, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I didn't even dared to look at them though I know they were on to us now. _

_She opened her eyes now. She was still probably groggy because she didn't even notice the others, or even our intertwined hands. I couldn't complain. For a brief second, we stared at each other, basking in that robbed moment, knowing eventually she would snap out of it. I squeezed her hand lightly to let her know its real, that she's not dreaming._

_When I did that, I immediately regretted it. She quickly let go of my hand and stood up. She went to the bathroom and locked herself there._

_It pained me, her body not next to me now._

"_What the hell was that Edward?" Alice said, snapping me out of my reverie._

"_What the hell is what Al?" I annoyingly answered._

"_Don't Edward, she's not like any others!"_

"_I know…" I smiled to myself. She is definitely now like any others._

"_Then what the fuck? You would just end up hurting her, she's already going through a lot now Edward, please don't play with her." She hissed, trying to keep her voice down._

"_I wont hurt her Alice," my voice more like a whisper, I tried to sound ad convincing as possible, more like to myself._

"_Wait, what do you mean she's already hurting??" what did she mean? Bella was hurt? From what? By whom?_

"_Just don't mess with her Edward, she's special." She smiled half heartedly, a genuine smile playing on her lips. _

"_What do you mean Alice?? Rose??" I needed answers. Who hurt my Bella?_

"_I don't know if I should be saying this to you now Edward, cause she haven't even said anything to us.. not yet.." Rosalie walked over to me so as to keep her voice down, not intending for Bella to hear._

"_What is it Rose!" I tried my very best to level my voice but the suspense is killing me_

"_We found her last night in the bathroom, crying. Well its more than crying. Its too painful to see. She cried the whole night and she didn't tell us why" Rosalie was obviously hurting as well, with the sound of her voice._

"_We were woken up by a loud whimper inside the bathroom so we decided to check it out. When we entered the bathroom, we saw Bella on the floor. She was crying her heart out Edward! I even got scared seeing her like that. Her breathing wasn't even and…" Alice continued…_

"_Well, he held her all night. she didn't stop crying until she fell asleep." Rosalie went on_

"_Just don't Edward… what ever it is your planning, just don't. she doesn't need this right now" Alice pleaded, her eyes pouring with concern._

_I stopped for a minute trying to picture Bella that night. I never heard her cry but the sound my mind was imagining sent chills down my spine. That's the sound I never, ever would want to hear. It would hurt me… I shook the image out of my head, as if it was an electric current sending volts of excruciating pain in my head._

"_Alice…" I sat on the bed now "its different this time… she's different"_

"_Oh Edward.." She sat next to me and wrapped her arm around me. all I was able to do was look down. This realization scared me and excited me at the same time. All eyes were on me now. Even Emmett who was a walking joke machine managed to stay quiet at this moment. I looked up to see their faces, all with an understanding look on me. _

"_Man, this is awesome!!" Emmett… I smiled at him.. this is awesome…_

"_Edward, just be careful. You know now how vulnerable she is, just don't play with her. She seems special." Jasper patted my shoulder, though he looked concerned, its as if he was giving me a thumbs up…_

_Alice went to tell Bella and let her know that we will be having breakfast over at our place…_

"_I think I'll stay with her. I need to talk to her." _

"_Okay… take her with you okay? Don't let her stay here.. she needs to get out" Alice said as she started getting ready to head out_

"_Okay man, go easy on her okay? Go get her you dazzling debonair!" Emmett grinned as he playfully punched my arm. With that, they stormed out of the room._

_Now, I have to face her.. what would I say?_

_When she came out, she was taken by surprise realizing I stayed behind. I decided not to talk to her about my feelings, at least not yet. I need to get close to her first, gain her trust before I let it out in the open._

_So I settled for letting her now what happened last night so that she may not think that I was taking advantage of her. The talk was brief, calm. Then we were headed of to my place._

_The ride home was silent. Though I wanted to say something, I stopped myself. I want her to think.. think of the things that happened last night. I don't want to bombard her with my realization. It would just confuse her…_

_When we arrived home, I asked her to go meet the guys while I changed for the day. Also it was an excuse to compose myself. To think._

_I asked her to help herself with some breakfast as I went inside my room. As soon as the door slammed shut behind me, I slumped myself on the bed, exhausted. I haven't gotten any sleep, not that I'm complaining. I was exhausted, not from lack of sleep, but emotionally exhausted, frustrated. I've never felt anything like this before and it scares me. Scared of this new feeling, scared for Bella. I couldn't look away now, I wont let myself away from her.. Not now. I'm sacred for her for I'm not certain of what to do. I want her that's for sure. But she is far too perfect… I'm not sure if I am able to meet her expectations. One thing I know is for sure right this moment…_

_I want Bella…_

_I want her, not because I couldn't have her.. not anymore. I want her because I need her. Need her so bad it kills me knowing that she might not let me…_

_This realization is painful. Not knowing what would happen is like a stab in the gut. She might not return the feelings I have for her but I couldn't care less. I want to be near her, just feeling imagining her touch sent me a wave of calmness…_

_She might not want the same but I don't mind. It's like diving off a cliff taking a risk of not knowing what's under. Just feeling the thrill of falling is enough for me. I haven't been this selfless before, not caring what happens to me. she may not want me but I would always want her. Somehow having her is not a game anymore… but a need._

_I just need to be with her, be there for her even if all she wants is friendship, I would be her friend, but always waiting for her to take the chance with me. I want to take care of her, be there for her… love her…_

_This feeling is so new to me… she's the only one who has ever let me feel this way._

_I changed my clothes and slowly went out side, longing to see her angelic face once more.._

**a/n: There you go guys.. hope that clears some stuff some of you were wondering. Edward eventually realized his feelings for Bella. I had fun writing Edward's POV in this chapter.. **

**Reviews please… sorry for the delay by the way… cheers!!**


	7. Getting Close

**Chapter 7: Getting Close**

**Summary: **Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything :D**

**Author's note: I'm really sorry for the delay guys… this past week has been such a mess. I started with my OJT plus, I gave to finish my thesis as well… I'm just so drained right now… Not to mention all the "twilight" stuff I have to catch up on… lol.. This is the beginning of my most favorite parts of the story…. So I'll really try my best to update asap… I already wrote the next chapter.. Which is by the way,,, so heavy… :D I'm waiting for Sally, (My Beta reader) to check it for me, since I suck at writing… Thanks Sally.,,, you're the best… so enough blabbing.. enjoy!**

**BPOV**

I knew this moment would come, and I dreaded it. We were now on sitting on the couch in Edward's apartment. Me, Rose and Alice were watching television, though I couldn't care less about what was on. The boys were back at the veranda, sipping on some ice cold beer.

Alice and Rosalie kept stealing glances at me ever since I had arrived here. It was annoying actually. But I couldn't complain. I mean who wouldn't? Last night was probably great, the sleep I had was very soothing though I hardly remember any of what happened. All I could remember was drifting off to sleep, Edward's eyes were the last things I remembered seeing. I wanted to stay awake then, by my eyes failed me. That sleep was comforting... It's as if it was the first time I had truly slept.

I tried to prolong the agony of their accusations, asking random questions here and there. Thank god for Emmett's non-stop blabbing or else the spotlight would have definitely been on me the whole time.

I ate my breakfast quietly, silently giggling whenever a joke came up, but never stirring up conversation. Edward appeared moments after we came in, with his change of clothes. I fought the urge to look at him, so I kept my head down. I didn't want to look at him now. First, so that I wouldn't get teased… again, and second, I didn't want to get lost in those eyes again. Fighting my feelings for him, as maddening as it is, without seeing him; I didn't need anything to remind myself how deep and powerful his effect was on me. I was able to avoid his stares successfully.

The awkward silence was creeping the three of us, and it was painful. I know they want to know what happened, though I appreciated them for respecting my silence about it, though they weren't very discreet. I had to do something or I would explode.

I faced them, since I was staring at the television, Alice and Rose on my left side.

"Okay, what is it. This silent treatment is getting on my nerves already! Ask what you want to ask and get it over with." Annoyance coloring my tone, though I didn't mean for it to sound so venomous. I didn't want them to hate me.

When I first met them, I thought them to be just like the other girls back home. But boy was I wrong. They took care of me when I was a mess the other night. They even took time to cheer me up. The least I could do is to be nice to them.

"What do you mean?" said Rose, acting as if they were innocent

"Rose," Alice scoffed, making Rosalie stop her naive façade. "Bella, about this morning. I didn't mean to be bossy towards you. It's just that, I knew something's wrong, I could feel it. And with the other night, its not that I'm complain about what we did for you. Believe me, I feel for you. I care about you Bella, we both do." She looked at Rosalie for a brief second, and Rosalie nodded, showing her agreement.

"That night, I was crushed too. I hate seeing people cry, it breaks my heart. Especially you, though we've only know each other for only a couple of days, I feel good about you. I feel at ease. I know you're a kind and genuine person Bella and its just painful seeing you get hurt. I would not wish that pain upon anyone even if they were my enemy."

I didn't know what to say. Alice was far from what I thought she was, even Rosalie. They're two of the nicest people I've met and I haven't even been with them for a week, yet I feel happy with them, safe as a matter of fact. That for once, I'm not the one taking care of everyone else. I have a feeling that just this once; I was worth being taken care of. I liked this feeling. I stopped myself before I got too emotional, though I couldn't deny the emotion that was probably pouring out of my gaze.

"We don't want you to open up to us right this second. I mean I know it must kill you to even think about it. All we're saying is that… Well, you're not alone." Rosalie then put her hand on mine, a gesture of care, of concern; I smiled at her, not a sarcastic one, but of appreciation.

"So about this morning, I don't want to know. I just want to tell you that Edward is a nice guy. He may strike you as a jerk but he is a good guy." Alice smiled half-heartedly.

"But, don't let your guard down too easily… he has his ways with the ladies…" Rose winked.

"Rose!! Edward's a good guy, remember?" Alice nudged her, her eyes widening. I had to laugh at that.

"Yeah, he is. It would be great if you two get together…" Rosalie mimicked Alice's "hand-clap-excitement."

I didn't answer that. _Edward and I together? I don't think so… I want to… but no… I won't… they may say he's a good guy… and deep down I know he is, but I'm not ready yet. I don't know when I will be… friends... Maybe we can be friends... Yeah ... I can offer friendship… I just have to keep my guard in check. No more staring into his eyes as if I was a stalker, no more wondering what it feels like to touch him, no more day dreaming… I had to put my foot down… God, here goes nothing._

"Yeah, I think he's a good guy too, minus the chicks. But I don't want a relationship right now you guys." I said as I stared once again at the television, still not minding what was on. Anything to avoid their gazes.

"That's fine Bella, at least you two are friends right?"

_Friends... yeah... I'm his friend…_

"Yeah…"

_Is this the right time to tell them about Robert? I want to but I'm not sure what they would think of me…_

As if Alice can read my mind…

"You know Bella; you can talk to us about anything you want. We won't judge you, we're not like that. Friends help friends. So if opening up to us can help you, we're here."

Sincerity poured over Alice's voice; even _I_ couldn't doubt what she said. _Was I that easy to read? They must have seen something in me that made them feel that they need to understand me, comfort me. _

There it is… the acceptance I needed; I think I'm ready now…

I looked over at the door that lead to the veranda, making sure that the boys would not come barging in while I poured my heart out. I was scared as hell, but if I wanted to put this thing behind me, I needed to make and effort at least. Talking about it would help. I've seen it on T.V, psychiatrist and psychologists making breakthroughs for addicts, only this time, the pain was the aftermath while denial was my drug…

I stood up, pacing… they looked over at me, dumbfounded at my sudden movement. I was sweating now, clearly my nerves were about to pop from the rapid beating of my heart.

"It's okay Bella; it doesn't have to be now…" Rosalie reassured.

_It's now or never…_

"His name was Robert… he was my first boyfriend, my first love, well at least I thought he was…" I choked out a bitter laugh… _far from it…_

That moment, I felt as if I was back in kindergarten again, doing my poem recital in front of all the people in the crowd, only this time, I was braver… I was sacred to death but I want to be the bigger man…

I told them the whole story, occasionally glancing at them, expecting accusing stares. But never did it cross their faces. Whenever I looked at them, they would smile, urging me to continue. Even Alice, the hyper-pixie that she is, remained quiet, nodding sometimes to let me know that it's okay… _Are they really this accepting?_ I felt sick to my gut of ever doubting their sincerity. I never thought that they would be such great friends, but I was so wrong.

As I told them about Robert, I couldn't help but get familiar moisture in my eyes. It's as if I was trying to rip the wound that somehow barely healed. Like every word coming out of my mouth plus the pulse that came along with it was a sharp dagger slowly, menacingly pierces the wound again, leaving me there bare and in pain. I forced myself to continue though my breath came out shallow. I knew this was going to happen but never did it prepare for me this. I fought the tears, because once they spilt; I knew they would not stop. I needed to tell them what happened, they deserved to know.

After what seemed like a century, the story ended, keeping my eyes on the floor most of the time. My gaze remained there, too scared to look at their faces. They were polite enough to remain quiet as well, maybe waiting for me to continue. I felt bad just standing there so I took a chance and looked up at them.

I wasn't expecting what I saw next…

Alice's face was stained with tears while Rosalie was trying to wipe hers away. I could see their faces cloaked with sadness, though I doubt theirs would be as immense as mine; _nothing would._ I felt sad even more knowing that I was causing them pain too, letting them know what happened to me in the past. The energy and the life that was on their faces just this morning was totally wiped away, and all I could see was compassion and gloom.

The silence was killing me. I sighed heavily while my knees went weak. _I knew this would happen. They would pity me and everything would be awkward._

I fell on my knees but didn't remain there. I didn't want to look any more vulnerable to them. Instead, I fixed my composure and sat on the carpeted floor holding my knees to my chest like it would keep me together. I looked at them once more, begging through my eyes for them to say something.

As if Alice knew what was going through my mind, she immediately went to sit beside me, hugging me fiercely. If I didn't know better, I would be irritated by how tight she was crushing me. But I knew she didn't mean any harm in doing so. Rosalie stayed on the couch though, probably hesitant to approach me.

Alice and I stayed like that for a few moments, but the silence now seemed comforting. I mentally thanked her for it.

"Oh Bella, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do right now but say sorry, sorry about what happened to you. But you're so strong Bella; I think you're making a great deal of effort to move on. Just being here and sharing this with us, who by the way you've only known for such a short time. I mean, I admire you're courage Bella, with all sincerity I do." When Rosalie said this, I felt my eyes starting to warm again. _She thought I was strong? When all I though of myself was a coward?_

"Thank you Rosalie" was all I managed to say for being too overwhelmed by what she just said.

Alice remained quiet, still holding me. I had to say something, plus I needed to get out of her tight grip 'cause my arm's starting to hurt.

"Um, Alice? Do you mind? My arm's starting to hurt" I chuckled a bit; knowing how little she was yet her grip was like of an oversized brawny man.

"NO! I want to hold you Bella, I know how much this is hurting you, well, I guess I'll never know but I have to do something to comfort you. Oh Bella, I'm so sorry for what happened, that guy is a jerk and he doesn't deserve you… oh if I ever get to see that man, I'll give him something to… Urgh!" her grip tightened even more, if that was possible.

I cringed even more, my arms threatening to fall off.

"Alice, _please?_" I pleaded her, begging to let go of me.

"Sorry..." then she let go of me. _Finally!_ I rubbed my hand over my arms to somehow sooth the pain. _That's going to leave a bruise…_

There was silence again, though this time not painful, but kind of accepting…

The silence was broken off by the loud thud from the door at the veranda, followed by a boisterous laugh who could not be mistaken to belong to anyone but Emmett.

We jerked from surprise and looked at them. The door opened violently, revealing Emmett still laughing his ass off from God knows what, followed by Jasper who was laughing as well, though in a composed and matured manner. I figured out what they were laughing about as Edward came following them with a deadly look aiming at the two.

_Shit! I totally forgot what happened last night… _

I didn't want to talk about it; I guess I was too embarrassed to do so. Even though it felt amazing, sleeping beside Edward while holding his hand, it felt wrong at the same time. It felt like I was fooling myself, allowing my self to feel happy again when there was still something in me that needs to be fixed.

Emmett quickly went over Rosalie's side putting an arm around her, not noticing our faces. The girls composed their features as soon as Emmett crashed the couch to not let them realize what was happening, another gesture from them letting me know that they had my back. I'm not comfortable sharing with the guys what I just did with Alice and Rosalie, especially Edward.

Jasper came to sit on the other couch followed by Alice who sat on his lap. No matter how many times I looked at them, it always seems to surprise me how I adored their relationships. Happiness and sincerity oozed out of them, just by staring at each other... even Emmett.

I couldn't help but took a peek over at Edward. He was standing awkwardly behind the couch, just across from me. He was staring at me, which something I should be shy about right at this moment. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. His gaze locked me in place, strong steel wires held me there, pinning me to the ground.

We stared at each other for what seems like eternity, when he finally called my name…

"Bella, can I talk to you outside for a minute?" He asked, a polite smile flashed on his face.

I didn't know what to say, nor think. I wanted to of course, though my nerves were running 140 mph at the moment. I didn't want to be rude as well so…

"Um, sure…"

I hesitantly stood up from the floor and walked slowly to the veranda. I was keeping my head down, to keep myself from moving. I knew that if I looked elsewhere I would get distracted again. I felt him following closely behind me and my heart began to flutter rapidly again. He hasn't even touched me yet and I'm already a mess. _I have to stay calm. I don't want him to think I'm an obsessed teen who is mesmerized by him… though I think I already am._

_Keep your cool, everything will be fine…_ I thought to myself.

We finally reached the terrace. It looked amazing. There was a stunning view of the city, though what was mostly seen were buildings and monuments. But the way it was arranged was magnificent, like an accidental masterpiece. It was a little before noon now and the sun was up high, though the heat was bearable, it was a bit chilly as a matter of fact. I hugged myself when a gush of wind passed us, sending shivers down my body.

On the other side of the terrace was a lounge, a couple of benches and a grill. While on the other side was a Jacuzzi..._ Wow, a Jacuzzi…_ I've never been in one before…

I was broken out of my trance when I heard a chair being dragged from behind me. I turned around and saw Edward sitting on another bench behind me. His face was sad though, and I wondered why… his head was down and his brows furrowed. _Did I do something to make him upset?_

Then he started to speak…

"Bella, do you mind sitting next to me?" his head still staring at his feet.

I contemplated it, _should I? _It may sound like the easiest thing to do, sitting next to another man… _What's the big deal right?_ Well the big deal was that it was Edward, and I'm Bella, a confused, torn, stupid girl who is madly attracted to Edward… _No big deal right?_

I didn't want him to think that I was mad at him from what happened this morning. I'm not actually, at least not at him. I'm mad at myself, for letting him be as close to me as he was this morning. I didn't want him to be dragged in this whole mess that I was in. I've already hauled Alice and Rosalie to this by sharing what happened to me… not Edward, for sure he'll think less of me and probably think of me as stupid… I didn't want that.

But maybe I could act civil towards him, _just friends_. I think I can do that. Besides, maybe I'm getting quite ahead of myself here. He just held my hand; some guys have held my hand before… no big deal right? Maybe it was nothing to him, he said I was restless last night and he was just being kind to me by holding me. I guess that's just it… I know he might be a player, but so what? It's not like he's going to date me or anything or would want to anyways. He's out of my league… he can't possibly want anything from me... At least not like _that…_

_Wait, he's just asking me to sit, not to marry him… gees... What's happening to me?_

He then looked at me, confusion and hurt in his eyes… I must have taken too long to respond…

"Are you okay?"

I went to sit next to him, minding the distance between us... I held my hands together, trying not to fidget, while keeping my eyes on my feet. I didn't need his gaze right now, not while I was trying to stay calm.

"Umm… how are you? Are you okay now?"

"Yeah, never better…" a lie… I wanted him to think that I was okay so he wouldn't see the real pain in me, though I wasn't sure if my tone was backing me up. I cleared my throat.

"Yeah? Good, so um… How do you like it here so far?"

I looked up, keeping my eyes straight ahead, avoiding his stare.

"Its fine I guess. The classes haven't started yet so I think I'll survive... For now..." I laughed at myself.

"Plus the people here are great. You guys have been really nice to me. Especially the girls…"

He chuckled "Yeah, I bet Alice is being nice to you. You'll just have to wait and see until she releases her true self. She's quite a handful that Alice…"

"Yeah, she's something, but I have a feeling I'll like her."

"She likes you too; you know… we all do"

I looked at him then, his smile genuine. I smiled at him too but only for a brief second and looked the other way again.

"Listen, while the classes haven't started yet we all should spend more time together, you know just hang out. Once the classes start we would find a hard time having fun. You can always come here whenever you want some company. I bet Emmett would be of good use for that."

"Yeah, I'd like that." I smiled again; just the thought of being accepted makes me happy.

"Oh! You could come and see me and the guys play sometime. We usually play on a bar just around the corner. We used to play there when we were in high school. It's a good place. Not too crowded or anything. Plus I could introduce you to the guys" He sounded so excited. He must really love playing…

"Sure" was all I managed to blurt out. _He wants me to know his friends? Why?_

"Yeah, it'll be fun... We have a gig next weekend. You should come"

"Okay."

He was about to say open his mouth again when the door suddenly opened and Emmett's big head came peeking through the crack.

"Are you two lovebirds done? I'm starving!"

Leave it to Emmett to break the moment.

"Yeah, let's get something to eat." Was all I managed to say, afraid of what this conversation would turn into.

"We'll be right there!" Edward said through clenched teeth.

Emmett closed the door once again, chuckling.

"So, um Bella?" he asked, wanting me to look at him. He waited…

When I finally had the courage to look him in the eye he spoke…

"I know that you're new here and you might feel a little out of place sometimes, but I'm here. If you want some company or just someone to talk to, you can talk to me." That crooked smile again…

"I know I might have come off a little cocky or… too straight forward to you and I'm sorry, but I want you to know that… well there's so much more to me than you might think. If you get to know me I'm not really... the person that you see. I'm not saying that I'm the greatest guy on earth but I can be your friend Bella, I want to be. I can be here for you when you need me. It's just that, I can see that when I try to be close to you, you seem to back away and avoid me. I'm not complaining or anything, I just think you're afraid that I'm not a good guy. I am, believe me. Ah… at least I can be a good guy… _for you…_" _ Did I just imagine that or did I really hear him say that last two words? Wait, I must have imagined that… or did I? _

"… So…friends?" he extended his hand…

_He wants to be friends? I think I can do that. _It's not his fault I'm guarded when it comes to him. He doesn't intentionally dazzle me from time to time. He didn't need to apologize.

If I wasn't sitting right now I might have fallen. My knees felt weak from what he said. The Edward that I saw the first day we met, the Edward that I hated for being an ass was gone now. This was a new Edward. A genuine, kind, caring, and sincere Edward, asking me to be his friend. _How can I refuse when he looks at me like this?_

I took his hand and shook it, anticipating the shock his skin produced in mine… _I can be friends with Edward if he wants to. I think I'd want that too._

"Great! So now that we're friends, we could get that lunch" He was grinning now, something I rarely saw… I think I might like this arrangement. A certain peace came to me, knowing that he is indeed a good guy. I felt safe now. Though I couldn't seem to deny how attracted I was to him. It would be unfair if I still avoided him. He wasn't doing anything wrong; he's being quite nice in fact, so why wouldn't I be? I guess I'll just have to control myself... _fingers crossed…_

The week passed by slowly, perhaps because we spent each day as if it were the last. We tried to make each day as fun and as productive as possible. Fun, according to the boy's definition was chilling out in their apartment while productive as the girls defined it was shopping…all day shopping, while at the end of the day, we would spend either over at our dorm or over at Edward's just crashing on the couch and watching movies…"movie marathon" as they called it.

Edward and I became closer now. We would talk, even joke around each other, like we knew each other too well. I kind of liked it. I felt like I belonged somewhere, quite a change from what I was used to back home. Before I used to be with friends, but it was very different. I felt like I need to be something, or someone to be in the group. But here, I couldn't care less what I became, for I know they would still like me. They made it seem that way, and I was grateful for them.

"You are such a loser… I'm going to beat you until you beg me for mercy…" I stated teasingly while Edward and I played guitar hero at their apartment. His face was so serious, I couldn't help but laugh. He didn't like it when he lost, something I noticed whenever he and the guys played. I just had to tease him more. I liked it when he frowned… it was cute.

Though I managed to keep a friendly relationship with Edward, my feelings for him grew more and more, but I try hard to keep it to myself. I also didn't tell a soul about how I felt for Edward, not even Alice or Rosalie. It was too embarrassing to admit. Edward turned out to be a great guy. He was sweet and caring. He always made sure I was doing fine and always managed to be a gentleman. Surprisingly enough, I haven't seen his "girls" anywhere for the past week. Something I was truly surprised about.

"Oh shut up and just play!" I was laughing so hard now seeing his lips in a pout and his forehead creased. He's so adorable when he was losing; I had to tease him more.

"Awe Eddie, don't be mad…" I looked at him and made puppy eyes, teasing him more so that I could distract him… I was close to winning; I had to use every asset I could think of.

He looked at me and stopped dead; he stopped plucking his guitar and just stared at me. The song was about to end so I looked back to the game. And with just a couple more beats…

"Suck on that loser! Hahaha!" I playfully pointed a finger at him while removing the guitar from my shoulders.

He was still staring at me, a small smile on his lips…

What happened? Was he possessed or something?

I snapped my finger in front of him. "Hey! Are you alright"

He blinked twice and looked around as if he was in a deep sleep…

"Uh... yeah, shit! I lost? Great!" he said, violently removing the guitar off of him and throwing it to the floor.

"Don't worry I'll let you win next time" I playfully winked at him.

"You cheated! You distracted me!"

"No I didn't, you got distracted, and I had nothing to do with it." Then he muttered something I wasn't able to catch.

"Oh yeah?" he has this devilish grin on his face and I got scared… _what's he up to now?_

He slowly started to walk towards me and my heart started to accelerate. Not from fear but from something else…

In a flash, he had me pinned on the couch, tickling me senseless. I was laughing and wiggling so hard we fell off the couch and landed on the floor, him still pinning me to the ground.

"STOP…IT" I said in between breaths. He was laughing too.

"_Pleease!_" I said, trying to breathe…

We were both laughing hard now.

"Okay okay…" he stopped but remained on top of me

After I won my breath back, I became more aware of our position. He was on top of me, one arm holding my head while the other was tight around my waist. He was holding me…

We stayed like that for a few moments, no hint of laughter from our faces now, just staring at each other. I seemed to forget how deep and gentle those eyes were, though the image never left my mind. It's just locked inside my head, reserved for my dreams. But there it is now, right in front of me, searching for something in mine, though I was not sure what.

My eyes traveled down to his pointed nose_, lovely, _to his pink soft lips, _beautiful…_ my eyes lingered there, imagining how it would feel moving against mine…

I looked at his eyes once more and I noticed he too was staring at my lips.

Our eyes met again and for that brief moment, I had this unusual feeling that he was feeling the same too. But of course he wasn't. _Silly Bella_…

No matter how things have changed between Edward and me, no matter how he sees me as just a friend, my feelings for him stayed the same. I still felt the same euphoric sensation when he touched me, still felt the same excitement when he uttered my name, still felt the same tugging in my heart when he was near and still got lost in his eyes when he looked deep into mine. I let my guard here for a moment, just basking in his embrace… _well not for too long…_

"AH! My eyes!" Emmett roared which made us jump from our reverie… He dramatically covered his eyes with his hands and started jumping up and down like a kid.

Edward and I immediately stood up from the floor, he, of course helping me up.

"Shut up Emmett you're so dramatic!" I snapped at him, who by the way was laughing hard now. Over the past few days, I had also gotten close with Emmett. He was like a big brother to me, ready to crack jokes and at the same time a brute force ready to protect me anytime. It was nice having him as a friend. He's so carefree and fun.

"Why don't you two just admit that you want each other so bad? I mean we have nothing against it you know… Plus, Eddie over there hasn't been…."

"Emmett you better shut up or I'll..." Edward cut him off…

I became curious…

"Hasn't been what?" I looked at Edward now, asking him for an answer…

_Hasn't been what?!_

"Just ignore him Bella. Come on, let's get some dinner…"

"Seriously Bella, if you didn't catch that, I'll start doubting your smartness…" Emmett winked at me while Edward led me to the kitchen.

"Emmett I said shut up!"

_Hasn't been what?!!_

I didn't bug Emmett about what he meant that day. I guess I just didn't want to get on Edward's bad side. He seemed to keen on not telling me so I didn't push the subject.

Classes started over a month ago and I've never done so much work in my entire life. I was packed with a lot of papers to write, books to read and studying to do. It was starting to wear me off. I guess if I didn't like my course I would have dropped my subjects already.

The gang rarely got to hang out over the weekdays. So, for the past month, we settled for meeting only on weekends, just chilling over at the guy's or over at our dorm. We tried to relax as much as possible since the work load we received from our subjects was already too much. Even Emmett seemed to tone down on his "activities" and spent most of the time passed out on the couch in the middle of our "movie marathon" nights.

Edward and I grew even closer as well. We hung out with the guys most of the time during the weekends but we also get to hang out by ourselves during weekdays to do some assignments…

He helped me out a lot since he too was taking Literature. We'd spent most of the weekdays over at our room, since the girls often went their apartment to spend time with their boyfriends doing "School Work" as they called it.

But Edward and I enjoyed our moment together. We just sit on the bed, reading, or talking about novels and such… he really helped me a lot. Most of the time we just remained quiet, engulfed in our reading. But now, the silence was endurable, peaceful even.

We stayed like that, just friends… I was happy. But I couldn't seem to stop thinking beyond that.

_Is this all I want of Edward, just friends? I mean he's a great friend and all but he still has this effect on me, and never did it change. What changed was how I managed and controlled it. He still remained close to my heart and now, and I was starting to embrace the feeling, though not wanting to let anyone know. They didn't need to know. I guess it'll always be like this for us… I didn't wan to get hurt again, plus I was positive that Edward's feelings towards me would remain forever friendly._

Midterm week has finally ended and we got a few days off from school. We were so happy that finally we got to just bum out for days not worrying about school or anything associated with it.

We were at the boy's apartment, just watching television with our usual seats. Alice on Jasper's lap, his arms tight around hers; Emmett sitting close to Rosalie, his arms around her shoulders as well, while Edward and I sat side by side, though not too cozy like the other four. We were content like this, sneaking a few glances on each other when we noticed something funny or amusing on the television and laughing occasionally.

"I have a gig tomorrow night…" All of a sudden Edward blurted out. The gig he told me about during our "talk" at the terrace before was cancelled. I really wanted to hear him with his band… hearing his voice sent an excitement through my entire body…

"Really? Where?" Alice excitedly turning her head towards Edward.

"The usual, Ice Cream Headaches… want to come? I could give you guy's passes… plus we need people to come…"

"Oh, that would be sweet man… count us in. you'd want that right babe?" Emmett nudged Rosalie who was too engrossed in the television.

"Yeah, totally." She answered, still not removing her eyes from the TV.

"What are you playing?" Jasper asked

"Umm, just some covers, nothing new." Edward shrugged.

"Why not?" I asked. Why wouldn't he want to play something he composed? I'm sure it would be beautiful.

"Yeah Edward, why don't you write your own music? I mean I know you're good at writing, you're a literature major for crying out loud." Alice pressed on.

"I don't know, I guess I'm not inspired, well, at least I wasn't before." he added shyly, while looking down.

"I think you already are…" Jasper eyed Edward as if they were communicating in their minds.

"Yeah I am, I even have a song in my head already, but it's not quite done yet... Something's still missing…" he then lifted his head up, and looked at me for a brief second to smile at me.

"Sweet! So tomorrow night?" the usual perky Alice all heightened up now.

"Yeah!" Emmett roared slapping fists with Jasper playfully… I had to laugh at that, they can be so immature sometimes…

**Please Read Review… I always appreciate your comments. Cheers!**


	8. Ready and Waiting to Fall

**I don't own anything... :D**

**Author's Note: **This is the beginning of the part I waited for so long to write. I wanted to continue but my eyes are failing me. I'm sorry for the late update you guys. It's just that I'm busy with my practicum, plus thesis… I don't even know if I'm going to pass... harhar. But anyways, I'm really trying hard to keep on writing. It truly relaxes me… so please have patience... The good parts are almost up… lol…

**Chapter 8: Ready and Waiting to fall**

We were all very much excited over Edward's gig. It was such a nice change from what we are used to doing over the weekends.

Alice, Rosalie and I were in our room now, trying to decide what to wear to the most awaited event of our lives… _Yeah, like the Oscars???_ Well not the three of us actually, more like the two of them, forcing me to "cooperate".

I couldn't care less on what I should wear. I mean it's just a gig in a bar, you know people playing music, listeners getting drunk... The usual scene.

"But this is special Bella; it's the first time you'll see Edward play. You of all people should be the one most excited about it. I say I'm quite disappointed" Alice chimed in, playfully placing her hands on her heart.

"What's the big deal? So I see him play with his guys, then what? What's so "magical" about that huh?" _of course I know better… seeing Edward play for the first time would be the highlight of my stay here. Just imagining him playing his guitar and singing sweet melodies all night… just thinking about it makes my heart flutter, though in a good way. _But I know I couldn't act all googly eyed with the mention of tonight's event. I was faking a façade remember? No one knows and I'd like for it to stay that way.

No one has to know but me. It always makes it easier for me to gain control of what I feel.

I was sitting on the couch while the two were frantically pacing around the room "trying to get ready" _well mostly they were walking around trying to pose on the mirror on possible outfits they should wear._ I was sitting patiently on the couch, just like I always do whenever the two dresses up. This seemed to be a habit of them. Every morning, while I sip my coffee, the two are already up and pacing around, deciding on what to wear for the day, posing on the over sized mirror in the middle of their dresser.

I came accustomed to them being like this. At first I got impatient and would just leave the room ahead of them. But the more time I spent with them, the more I get comfortable with the setting. As long as I'm not involved that is…

"Come on your up…" Rosalie motioned her hand for me to stand up.

"Excuse me?" _What? _

"You're up, come over here so you can try these dresses" she said matter-of-factly, Alice standing beside her know, her hand on her hips, a questioning look on both their faces.

"I heard you. But… No… I'm not wearing that!" she had in her hand a black sleeveless dress that went a little above the knee. It had a tiny bow on the side of its waist and also a nice design underneath the whole of it. It looked amazing, I couldn't deny that. But it was too much! We were just going in a pub; I mean do I need something as nice as that?

"Whoa! Time out… First, where did you get that, second, its too much for tonight, and three I'm perfectly fine with what I'm wearing thank you very much…" I protested while standing up and grabbing my coat, ready to walk out when I felt an arm tugging me back to my seat.

"Hold on there little missy… this night is special and you know it. I don't care if we get to drag you to the bathroom and put this dress on you ourselves. But one way or another, you will wear this dress!" I sat there frozen. I have never seen Alice like that before! I'm sacred shit now! GRRRR!!!!

"FINE!" with that, grabbed the dress and stormed inside the bathroom.

"Thank you!" She chirped…

"Thank you your face!" I heard her giggle behind my back and it made me flare up even more.

I shut the door too loud than usual so as to make my point even more heard that I am not comfortable with this.

I took deep even breaths and looked at the dress in my hand.

After a moment, I came to realize that it wasn't that bad. I kind of liked it actually. I like the color and I know it would fit my pale complexion. _Of course this night is special and I want to look good…_

After dressing up, the girls "forced" me again to apply make up, which we were able to compromise eventually.

We settled that they could only apply minimal eye shadow, mascara and pink lip-gloss. I also insisted them to let my hair be. They had natural curls on them and I didn't want to exaggerate styling it.

"There! You're all glammed up! ooohhh.. Wait till Edward sees you in that!" Alice said clapping her hands in excitement. It's so like her to be obsessed with her "creations". This wasn't the first time I became Bella-Barbie by the way. But for this night, I didn't want to complain anymore. I needed it. I want to look good for Edward.

With another few moments of vanity in front of the mirror, we headed off to the bar.

**EPOV  
**

The past month has been the best month of my life. I finally got the chance to be friends with Bella, something I don't plan on keeping for long. It is amazing to be her friend. She's sweet, kind, caring and oh so stubborn; there's nothing she can do that would make me like her less.

I came to know that Bella, though at first she seemed dense and annoying happened to be the most genuine person I know. She doesn't try to please everyone. She is who she is, and she believes that it should be enough for people to like her. She carries herself well and not let anyone change who she is. But she is never rude or arrogant… No. She may come off as proud but she is not. She just knows what she wants. Being like that makes me like her even more.

We spent the past month being close as ever. We spent nights either in my room or theirs, and we would just sit, read, talk, or sometimes juts keep silent while we did our stuff. It was comforting for both of us. We didn't need to speak; it wasn't awkward at all. We helped each other out as well, in school works or in anything. Plus, what I loved most in our time spent together is when we would just laugh at each other's jokes, and tease each other till someone is pissed enough to continue anymore.

We pissed each other off alright. But never did we argue for long. Someone always manage to laugh when the argument flared up that it was stupid to even continue. Well… she always manages to tease me and annoys the hell out of me but never did I snapped at her. I'm a sore loser I know. But how can I get mad at a face like hers? So sincere, so warm, so gentle… Never will come a time when I would hate her. Just the thought of it makes me sick.

Tonight's the night of our gig. I've played in front of the crowd numerous times and I never complained. I like it when I play in front of people. It's like sharing a piece of me with them through my music. It soothes me and gives me a feeling of fulfillment.

But tonight is different. Though Bella and I have been close this pass month, never have I shared with her my music. I don't know why but I guess I'm just scared that my feelings would ooze through them. I tend to do that. When I feel like I can't speak what I mean, I try to put it into the words of my music. I have never let anyone else see my lyrics. It's stashed away in my room, not intending for anyone to see, not even my band mates. My lyrics are sacred and I don't feel comfortable sharing it with anyone else. It's like my diary. When I get sad, frustrated, or happy, I put it into words and my melody.

Especially now that I met Bella, I find myself writing insanely through my notebook. Ever since I saw her, I can't stop the words from coming out like word vomit, though the feeling is much more intense. I'm scared to let her see them. I might scare her away. I don't want our friendship to end by me being all _cupid_ on her…

The longer the time we spent, the stronger the feelings I have for her get. It's like I can't even contain myself when I'm around her. It kills me not to be able to say the things I want to say or do the things I want to do, just to show her how much she means to me.

Only Bella has me feeling these things. It's like I want her so bad but I'm afraid to make a move. I ache for her touch but am hesitant for she might move away. She is so vulnerable, so precious; a piece of fine jewelry that deserves to be adored and worshipped.

I can't take it anymore… the feeling is too much my heart is aching from the desire to be with her.

I knew that he had a gig a week before I told them. I guess I didn't know what to say, especially if Bella is going to be there. I have a song in my head that I've been trying to write, but like I said to Jasper, it's not complete yet… there's still something missing…_Bella…_

I decided that tonight should be the night that I tell her how I feel. I know that I value our friendship so much but I don't want to live knowing what could have been. I don't want to continue living not knowing what she feels about me too. There were times when I feel like she feels the same way about me too, but whenever I get to look deep in her eyes, she always turn the other way; like she doesn't want me to see. _Why?_

For the past week I've tried to write a song for her to play at the gig, something to truly convey how I feel, and then I would let her know. But the song isn't coming out nicely I always end up either over doing it or not doing it nicely at all. So, I decided to go for an alternative… pick a song…

I know it's not too genuine for it didn't come from me, but the moment I heard it, I knew it was the one. Every line speaks the way I feel about her. Though it may not compare to how much I feel about her, at least its decent enough to give her the hint.

I decided to rehearse this song with the guys a few days ago. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be acoustic, to truly convey the sincerity of each word. I didn't want it to sound loud; though my feelings for her screamed inside my chest. I want her to hear every word, every line like I'm whispering it to her ear… I wanted to, but it would have to be done later, when we're alone. Just the thought of her, sitting next to me, while I whisper sweet words to her ear makes me all giddy inside. I might sound like an obsessed girl right now but I don't care. I like Bella, every fiber of her being… I like her…_ Shit, I think I'm falling for her…_

_I am! I'm falling for her… hard…_

We're at the backstage getting ready for our turn. Usually I would be sitting in the bar, drinking some beer and listen calmly to the band before us. I wasn't usually this nervous for a gig before. But right this moment, the beating of my heart is so fast; I think it might jump out of my chest.

I'm a nervous wreck, sitting in a couch, holding my guitar tightly around my chest while I rock myself. I look so pathetic; sweating and fidgeting.

"Dude! What's wrong with you? You're sweating mad! Are you sick?" Ryan asked, touching my arm. Ryan is the lead guitarist of the band, well both of us are. It's weird we both play "lead" when there's supposed to be only one. But it works for us.

"Ah… I'm just nervous that's all." _Yeah… that's all._

"Since when have you been nervous??" Spencer raised an eyebrow at me. He plays drums. It was truly unlike me to get the nerves before the show but how can I relax? When in just a few moments, I would be taking the stage and proclaiming to the girl of my dreams how mad I am about her??? _Yeah, nothing to be nervous about... duh?_

"Ooohh… hot chick just came in! Damn that girl is smokin'!!" give it to John to always be the ladies man. He plays bass for the band.

Me and the guys met in Junior High and we got to be close friends ever since. We all shared the same passion in music. We didn't want to get famous for playing or anything. We just liked to play together. The crowd is just an added bonus 'cause someone gets to listen to it and every once in a while, we get an applause. It's really shallow actually.

"Where?" Ryan and Spencer both came to peek behind the curtain that separated the stage from the back. I wonder who they are looking at.

"Dude, she is hot! Wait, she's with Alice and Rose? I've never seen her before" Spencer scratched his head as if trying to solve a math quiz. I laughed

_Wait, the hot girl is with Alice and Rose?? _

They are talking about Bella! My Bella! If these guys hadn't been close friends of mine, I would pummel them right then and there for lusting over my Bella… _My Bella… I like the sound of that._

I sprinted off out of the room and rushed to meet the girls. I dashed pass the guys and stopped dead on what I saw. It was Bella…

She was wearing a sleeveless black dress that went just above her knee. The dress hugged her every curve, which by the way was exquisite.

Her skin glowed in that dress; her eyes had a minimal make up on that accented her brown eyes; her lips were perfect, with just enough gloss to make it shine... _God, I wanted so much to taste those beautiful lips…_

Her eyes as always had its natural curls and just stayed loose on her shoulders. The scent of her hair, when I sneaked a smell of it when we're together just blows my mind. It smells so fresh and sweet… like strawberry… I would give anything just to take those locks right now and just devour her smell…

I was broken out of my reverie when Ryan patted my back

"Who's the chick man? She's beautiful" _Beautiful would be an understatement. She's more like wonderful, exquisite, godly… words can't even seem to describe how stunning she looks tonight…_

I didn't respond to his question and just walked towards where the goddess stood. She was looking around, probably trying to locate where we are.

I stopped right in front of them, not tearing my eyes off of her. I knew that Alice was trying to ask me something but I couldn't seem to make myself turn to her and speak. I am too awed at the person in front of me.

Bella was staring at me confusedly. Her brows furrowed and her eyes questioning. I just smiled at her.

"Edward? Are you okay?" she asked. I was better than okay… I'm ecstatic, euphoric…

I was grinning now, too widely. She must think I'm insane now. She chuckled and waved a hand in front of my face.

"Yoohoo??? Are you there?" another giggle. Her giggles are heavenly…

I said nothing; I can't even let out a whimper… Nothing…

As if I had no control over my own body now, I leaned in and pressed my lips on her cheek. I lingered there, savoring the softness of her skin. _God, she's so soft, so warm. _I can stay there forever…

I felt her skin getting warm. I know she's blushing now, something I can't miss. So I turned to her ear and whispered…

"No words can describe how amazingly beautiful you look tonight. I'm glad you could come" then I went to face her... _Ah… there it is… her blush made her face even more mesmerizing... _

"Ah… thank you…" She bent her head down, probably embarrassed to look at me. I didn't move my gaze away from her, too afraid that if I do, she might not be there, like being woken up from a dream.

"Geez Eddie, take a picture, it'll last longer" I didn't care what Rosalie said, if I have a camera now, I would.

"Enough of the ogling already, where are the boys?" Alice asked.

I must be making Bella uncomfortable now, so though I didn't want to, I looked at Alice.

"They're… ah… here they are." I sighed. Here comes the embarrassment.

"Hey pretty…" John placed a hand around Rosalie's waist. They know the girls already and ever since John laid eyes on Rosalie, he was smitten, though he knew that never in a million years would Rosalie think twice of going out with him; and of course, Emmett.

"John if you don't remove that filthy hand of yours away from me, you'll end up looking for it somewhere else." Rosalie gave a death glare at him.

"Hmmm, I like 'em feisty…"

With that last note, Emmett came along with Jasper.

"Lusting over my girl again Johnny??? You know you'll never get some of this" Emmett grabbed Rosalie's waist and held her close to his chest, stroking her thigh on the process

John laughed "Yeah, you just got her first before I did…" he winked at Rose who faked a gag.

"Ow!" Alice quickly hit the back of John's head making him wince.

"Enough John! We already know how the "ladies man" you are…" she rolled her eyes.

"Aren't you going to introduce us to your friend Edward?" Ryan nudged me. I was totally distracted by their rant that I totally forgot about the goddess beside me.

"Oh right, guys this is Bella; Bella this is Ryan, Spencer and the ladies man, Jonathan…"

"You can call me John honey. It's a pleasure meeting you." He reached Bella's hand and brushed his lips over it.

I immediately felt the need to smack his head again. I didn't want anyone kissing her like that, or even touching her anywhere, even if they were my band mates.

So as not to be noticed, I joked. _Though I was dead serious and meant every word._

"John, if you don't stop harassing my girls I might smack you in the head again."

They laughed and John immediately dropped Bella's hand. _Good_

"Alright, alright, we better get going now, we're up" Spencer interrupted.

"Okay so you can stay on the seats up front, they're reserved for you guys." Though I meant to address it to everyone, I just kept my eyes on Bella, who by the way haven't spoken a word yet.

"Okay, break a leg dude, don't mess up!" Emmett joked while heading off to their seat. _I'll try._

"Okay guys, we only have two songs to play tonight, but let's make them perfect alright?" Spencer said.

Since we decided to make it an acoustic night, Ryan and John will be playing the guitar while Spencer the violin. _Yes… he knows how to play the violin… _

Me? I didn't want to play the guitar tonight. I didn't want to get distracted while I sing every line to Bella, so I managed to play the *****. If I play the guitar tonight, I would eventually end up looking under the guitar. Even though I've been playing since I was 12, I still need to keep on glancing a few times.

Not tonight. I want ever word to sink in to Bella. I want to look in her eyes while I say these words. I want her to feel every emotion my eyes would pour. I want her to feel what I feel…

******

"Hey there, uhmp… tonight we'll be playing two songs... not ours sadly, but they're still great, so don't boo us out okay?"

The crowd chuckled…

"So here it goes…" Ryan said

"Uhmp, before we begin, I'd like to dedicate this song to someone special in my heart" I didn't say her name, though my eyes gave it away.

"This song is called Take me Away…" I said…

_This time __all I want is you  
there is no one else  
who can take your place  
this time you burn me with your eyes  
you see past all the lies  
you take it all away  
I've seen it all  
and it's never enough  
it keeps leaving me needing you…_

I was staring in her eyes as the words just came through me. I was singing as good as I could. I would not want these words to come out bad in my mouth. _  
_

She was looking back at me, her eyes held no emotion what so ever… _was I not doing it wrong? What is she thinking?_

_take me away  
take me away  
I've got nothing left to say  
just take me away_

I try to make my way to you  
but still I feel so lost  
I don't know what else I can do  
I've seen it all  
and it's never enough  
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away  
take me away  
I've got nothing left to say  
just take me away

She looked down on her lap while she clutched both her hands, trying hard to keep them tight around one another. _Was she nervous?_

_don't give up on me yet  
don't forget who I am  
I know I'm not there yet  
but don't let  
me stay here alone_

this time what I want is you  
there is no one else  
who can take your place  
I've seen enough and it's never enough  
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away  
take me away  
I've got nothing left to say  
just take me away

I repeated the phrase over and over again, trying to make her see that it was for her. I wanted her to feel that only she can make me feel like this; that I'm left here helpless, and she is the only one who has the power to sweep me off my feet.

The song drifted to a close and the people applauded, though I toned them out. I didn't want to hear it. I only wanted to hear the sweet voice of my angel in front of me. Her voice is my favorite melody…

She still kept her head down, not wanting to look at me. _Why? _I'm starting to feel a pain in my heart, rejection. But I didn't care. I don't care…

"Dude, next song" Ryan whispered behind me. I totally forgot… the first song was just warm up to what I feel inside. This next song 'kinda wraps it all up. This is the song that I truly wanted her to hear.

"Uhm… This next and final song is called ready and waiting to fall…"

Her head was now resting on her knuckles placed on top of their table, but her eyes were still closed… _Why is she doing this to me???_

I couldn't start without looking into her eyes…

"Open your eyes…" I whispered, not loud enough for everyone else to hear but too low enough for only her to hear.

With that, she gently opened her eyes, a hint of moisture in them. _Is she crying???_

I have to start or the crowd would get bored… so I did…

_Drowning just as fast as I can  
But don't throw me a line  
Don't reach out your hand  
Cause I'm on the brink of something beautiful  
And I want to sing about it  
But I don't know where to begin  
Write a letter  
But the words don't come out right  
Try and explain how nobody can do me like  
You don't understand how helpless I can get  
Since the day that we met  
Oh can you feel it yet? _

The song was originally done a little up tempo but for this night, we played it differently. It wasn't as slow as the first one, but slow enough to make anyone else feel the message of the song.

I smiled… she was looking at me intently now…

_It's never been more perfect being alive  
I've never been so satisfied_

I can feel something different from the first time  
Heaven makes sense  
And all the words ryhme  
No chance in stoping now  
I'm taking it all  
And now I'm caught in the air  
It's a good life  
Pass it up, put it down  
Oh what a wild ride  
_**I remember being ready  
And waiting to fall  
Just like I did tonight**_

I emphasized the last lines… I am falling for her…

_Spinning around and around  
Until my left was my right  
And up became down  
With just one look  
You knocked me off my feet  
So unable to speek  
Oh how you made me weak  
Though it was a while ago  
I still can recall  
That moment, so ready  
And waiting to fall  
Can you take me back in time  
Remembering when  
You captured my heart  
Over and over again_

It's never been more perfect being alive  
I've never been so satisfied

I can feel something different from the first time  
Heaven makes sense  
And all the words ryhme  
No chance in stoping now  
I'm taking it all  
And now I'm caught in the air  
It's a good life  
Pass it up, put it down  
Oh what a wild ride  
I remember being ready  
And waiting to fall  
Just like I did tonight

I was smiling now, letting her know that I meant every word. I would have melted her if I had laser vision with the intense stare that I was giving her. But this one isnt a glare… I was looking at her with passion, with care, with kindness and with _love…_

_Yes… I'm falling madly, deeply in love with her…_

_**I remember being ready  
And waiting to fall  
Just like I did tonight **_

The song ended, again, emphasizing the last lines…

I looked down for a moment to breathe since I was chocked up with the realization that hit me, just staring at her eyes… The emotions that flared deep within me were overwhelming, I feel like I'm drowning… Only now, it was the though of seeing her face was the one that made me resurface…

"Thank you…" another applause from the crowd and I qickly got off the stage, too excited to be near my love…

I hesitated for a bit when she looked away… _What does this mean? She kept on avoiding my eyes again.. Is she upset with me? maybe this was too much for her…_

_I don't care… I love her…_

I walked slowly now, towards their table, not minding the people who were calling my name.

"Dude that was awesome.. to girly but awesome…" Emmett lifted his hand to give me a high five but I ignored it.

I gently knelt beside Bella, aiming at her ear. I carefully took the loose strands of her curls that hid her perfect little ear and tucked them behind it. Then with every emotion I have inside me, I whispered…

"I have something to tell you…"

"Mmmm??" she was asking what…

"That song was about you…" there I said it. I think that's enough hint already to let her see that she's the one for me, that I was the man for her and that I am in love with her.

I waited for a moment and looked at her face. She was sad and looked down.

"Why are you sad?" I asked, sadden too by her reaction.

She faked a chuckle…

"Is that something you say to all the girls that come to see you play? Go try it to the girl on the bar, she looks easy... Really Mr. Dashing, you had me going there for a moment…"

I felt my heart being smashed to the ground and walked over by a mad crowd. I was crushed. I just told her that I have feelings for her and she just blew me off, even joking about it. Why is she being like this? This is not the Bella I know.,

It took me a moment to process what just happened and I stayed there, kneeling, my eyes wide with shock.

_Does she know how that single joke is breaking my heart?_

The pain that shot through my skin was unbearable. My breathing stopped and my throat became dry. How can she be like this???

"I have to go to the restroom, excuse me"

Then she got up. I was still kneeling there, probably looking like an idiot.

_Why did I even thought of this in the first place? I thought she has feelings for me too? Were those moments when she looks at me just a lie? Did she even care about me at all??_

Anger flooded my veins now. I know she's doing this on purpose. I deserve an explanation.

Without another word, I stood up and rushed towards the restroom. I didn't hesitate to enter the lady's lavatory.

I looked around and all I saw was a woman trying to wash her hands. _Where is she?_

Where did she go? She's not going to avoid me this time. I needed an explanation.

I deliberated for a moment. Is she back at the table already? Impossible…

I went out and looked over our table and she's still not there.

I stormed outside and looked around… still not there. _She might be back at the dorm._

The dorm was not that far away from the bar if you have a car. But I left my car over at the apartment and hitched a ride with the guys earlier so I have no form of transportation at the moment., _Great! Just when I needed it the most!!_ The anger that's boiling inside me is greater now.

To make matters worse, there was no cab in sight! GRRRRRRR!!!!!

I wasted no time and started running. It may be a little far on foot but I didn't mind. I need to see her. I want an explanation!!!

I started running past all the people, all the buildings and cars… I didn't stop, not for one bit… I was tired but I didn't care…

I finally reached the campus and went immediately to their dorm room. When I finally found the door, I knocked violently… _slammed the door would be a better description._

"What the hell could you please hold on a sec!" she yelled behind the door, probably having no idea it was me.

The rage building up inside me doubled. _How can she give me this attitude when she's the one who's breaking my heart? Is she really this cold???_ The pain ached even more, I had to clutch my heart to keep it in place.

"Who the he-" she was stunned when she realized it was me behind the door. Her eyes were wide, her mouth open. Even though the anger inside me is raging, I still couldn't deny the fact that I am in love with this girl… she can do anything to me and I would still love her… It's killing me to know that she doesn't feel the same.

_But I need to know why… why she blew me off like that… why__ sometimes she looks at me like she's feeling the same… why she's afraid to take a chance with me… _

_Why is she breaking my heart????_

My breathing became short and shallow now, I can feel my nose flaring. I am so angry I cant even focus on what I was supposed to say…

"W-what are you doing here?" She said, stuttering, while her eyes pleaded, but still on guard…

"WHAT THE FUCK BELLA!!" I shouted, flinging the door open and letting pushing myself in, taking her with me, clutching her arm, while I slammed the door behind me…

**Forgive me for any typo mistakes... i'm just really itching to write this story soooooo much... :D Please Read and Review! I'm always open for suggestions and comments. Cheers!**


	9. Take a chance with me

**Chapter 9: Take a chance with me**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

**BPOV**

I sat there, too frozen to even move any part of my body. My head fell forward, not even I could hold it upright.

"…_That song was about you…"_

What does that mean? _You know what it means Bella! He has feelings for you! He's falling for you..!_

I didn't want to process any of that. I want to but I couldn't. I couldn't accept it. Why was he saying this now?

I am torn. A part of me was telling to jump in and tell him that I'm falling for him too. That would give both of us a chance to be happy… But the other part screamed NO! I wasn't ready yet. I don't want to be ready yet… I'm too messed up to be with anyone now, ever. Especially Edward. He is too perfect for me. I can't.

I didn't dare respond back. I can't trust myself to say no to this. I'm afraid that if I open my mouth, my subconscious would win, screaming YES!, I want to be with you too..

I felt sadness creep up on me. I was sad for what a pathetic coward I am, not letting myself be happy just for once; sad because I didn't want to hurt Edward, and by doing what I am about to do next, I'm sure it would crush him. I saw every emotion and feeling he has through that song and I'm sad because I want all of it. I want him too, but if I give in now, I know I would not be good enough for him. I'm still broken inside, though he helped me become whole inch by inch. But it's not enough yet. Edward deserves everything; and if he wants me, he deserves to have all of me.

I'm scared as hell. I didn't know what to do.

I snapped a sarcastic remark at him, just something I thought of immediately after the realization dawned on me…

I faked a laugh and said… "Is that something you say to all the girls that come to see you play? Really Mr. Dashing, you had me going there for a moment…"

I felt him stiffen next to me. I tried so hard not to let the angry tears welling up inside me. It hurt me to hurt him, though the pain was even worse. His pain cut me deeper than my own.

He didn't speak for a moment, he just stayed there. I on the other hand, couldn't take it any longer. I have to leave or else, I wouldn't be able to control myself; take him in my arms and tell him that all of the things I said were a joke…

But I couldn't. _I'm such a coward…_

"I have to go to the restroom, excuse me"

I said, just to be able to leave this place. I didn t plan on going to the bathroom really, I just needed an excuse.

I need to get the hell away from here. I couldn't stand the look on his face when he turns around to look at me. I would not be able to think staright once I get to look into those eyes, filled with sadness and emotions. _I have to go,,,_

I walked past them, not really paying attention to the crowd and sneakily went out. _Well, run is a more precise definition._

I ran. Once I was out of the bar and the air of the cold night hit my face, I broke down. I let it all come crashing down… hard… The last time I cried harder like this was for Robert. The feeling was somewhat familiar yet different at the same time. The first one is grief from soomething I thought real. But this one was for something real… _is it really??_

I wiped the tears that flowed freely down my face now and searched for a cab to drive me home. Luckily, there was once across the bar.

I hoped in, told the driver the destination, and we were off.

The drive home was very short, one is because the campus was not really far from the bar; and second, I was too far gone from the thoughts that freely came through my mind.

The sincerity in the songs that Edward sang in the bar, was so sincere as it came out if his mouth. I knew the songs already, but never had it struck me the way it did coming from him. His voice was like of an angel's, melodic, serene, honest. I couldn't find a way to doubt any of it. Plus, the way he looked at me while he sang every line. I struggled to take my eyes away from him, but he wants me to.

"_Open your eyes"_ with those words I immediately crumbled, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. _He wants me to listen. Who am I to refuse when the man I am falling for pleads that way?_

I nearly stumbled to get over the dorm room, just wanting to slump over my bed and cry like a baby who just lost her puppy. I want to cry it all out, though my pain was far worse than the tears that would surely spill.

The tears were coming now as I was trying to put the key inside the knob, shaking heavily. Then finally, I was in, locking the door behind me and immediately fell on my bed.

I fell on the bed, on my side; clutching my knees as if the it would hold me in one piece.

_What have I done? I broke his heart and ran away. Could I be anymore of a coward?_

Honestly, I want it all, for myself. But I cant be selfish. I want to be but Edward deserves better. I'm a mess; a complete wreck and my heart is not yet whole. He may have feelings for me but I'm not sure if I could be what he wants me to be. I cant do that to him. He is far more special and precious to be with me.

The pain grew more and more as I thought of the things he sang, and the htought of being with him. Holding his hand, touching his face, his lips, his hair; just feeling him all over and showing how much I want him too. But I cant' I wouldn't.

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK…_

I was startled by the loud banging in my door. _Who the fuck could that be??? I swear to God if that was Alice I would give her a piece of my mind. I don't want to deal with anyone right now._

I waited for it to go away…

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!_

As much as I want to ignore it, I couldn't anymore. Who ever it is at the door would get a piece of my mind alright!

"What the hell hold on a sec!" I yelled as I tried to get up, tears blurring my vision. I had to steady myslef not to trip on the floor.

"Who the he-" I wasn't able to finish when I saw Edward at the door. The expression from his face was far from what I saw eralier that evening. He was panting, sweat all over his forehead, his nose galaring and his eyes all narrow. _He's angry… Well that would be an understatement really.. He's furious…_

He didn't say a word at first, he just glared at me with all the hatred in the world. Of course he has the right to be mad. I didn't know what to say, He just stared at me, my tears starting to form once more.

"W-what are you doing here?" I stuttered, too afraid to say anything.

"WHAT THE FUCK BELLA!!" I was taken aback by the sound of his voice. He was yelling at me. and before I could say anyhting back, he clutched my arm and yanked me inside the room, closing the door behind him.

He was strong and I couldn't force myself to let go. Somehow I want him to be mad, to get furious at me even if it means him hurting me physically. It sort of matched with the pain in my heart, only this time, the pain was different from his touch.

He gently pushed me to sit down on the bed still not releasing his death grip on me.

"You're hurting me" I whispered, too embarrased to admit it.

"Oh yeah? Am I Bella? Cause with the looks of it, youre the one hurting me." his words were full of disgust and anger that it shut me up. _of course…_

I didn't say a word. He let me go then. I didn't look up to him, who was hovering over me. I couldn't look at him too afraid to see his face, too afraid that if I did, all my walls would come crushing down. So instead, I fumbled with my hands, placing them on my lap.

He started pacing in front of me, still silent, with only the sound of his heavy breathing echoing inside the room.

After a few moments, he started slowing down and with one heavy sigh, he stopped, right in front of me.

He fell on his knees and placed both his hands on either side of my legs, but not touching me.

I did not dare look at him. I didn't want to see his face, not now.

With a low whisper, he said "Why are you doing this?" the tone ofhis voice seemed different now. Pained, torned, hurt, sad.

"What do you mean?"

"Fuck it Bella, don't give me this crap. Please…" He begged

I was sobing now, not able to hold it in anymore. The pain oozing from his tone seemed to drag the pain further into my chest.

"I don't know what you want me to say Edward"

He let out another painful sigh and lifted my chin with his trembling hand. The contact from his skin sent me over another type of pain… Longing. It was the pain of wanting his touch so much though I refuse myself to give in.

"Look at me Bella, please.." There it is again, he was begging. My eyes were closed as he lifted my face but with him begging me to look at him, I couldn't fight anymore. _How ccould I refuse when my angel begged me that way?_

The moment my eyes locked his, I saw it. The pain that I imagined to be in his eyes before did not do justice to what I am seeing now. His eyes were pleading, longing and it broke my heart even more. A tear escaped my eyes and he gently wiped them with his thumb.

He put both of his hands on either side of my face and then I couldn't control myself anymore. I leaned into his touch, wanting the feeling of his warm touch.

"Why are you breaking my heart Bella? I just poured my heart out to you and you just shoved it away. And the worse part is you even dared to joke about it. Do I mean anything to you Bella? Huh?"

I just kept silent. _Yes!! You mean everything to me…._

"I know you feel for me too. I see it in your eyes everytime I look at you, but you always try to hide it. When I touch you, you give in, but only for a second, then you flinch away. Why Bella? Did I do something wrong to make you feel that way?" His face was pleading again.

"No, you didn't do anything Edward. I'm sorry…"

"Sorry for what Bella?"

"I-I just cant do this, I cant. Please try to understand…"

"You cant or you wont?"

"Both" I cant be with him because he deserves better. I wont be with him because… I don't even know…

"Youre just saying that. I see it in your eyes Bella, youre fighting it." He held on my face tighter now, forcing me to look deeper in his eyes.

He chuckled though it was not something out of humor.

"Perhaps I've thought this the wrong way. Isabella Marie Swan, from the moment I saw you I was captivated. You look different from any other girls I've met. You're beautiful, smart, kind and caring. That night when I first started talking to you, you had me. When you started showing me that you hated me, I got angry. I didn't understand how you could hate me when I have done nothing wrong. I thought of you as a challenge then, someone I should win over. Youre not like any other Bella, try to grasp that. I was a jerk, all the women I've fooled just so that they would be with me, none of them had the effect on me the way you have." He smiled though not reaching his eyes.

"I got to know you, and you proved to me even more how amazing you are. The moment I hled you while you slept, I finally realized that you're the one. You're the one that I've been looking for Bella, I belong to you. The more I spent time being friends with you, the deeper I felt. My feelings for you kept on growing each passing day that I cant even control myself. Just one look and you have me on your command. I want to be with you, spend time with you, take care of you, adore you. I'm in love with you Bella, truly, deeply, madly inlove with you."

The words that came out of his mouth tortured me even more. _He loves me??? _A part of me jumped for joy upon the words that he said. But a more coward part of me tried to refuse it. This part wanted to forget everything he said so that it would not sink in, because I know that if it did, it would only hurt both of us.

"Please say something Bella…"

"I-I don't know what to say…" as pathetic as it might sound, I still didn't know what to say to that. I cant tell him I feel for him too, but I know it wasn't the right thing to say.

"Damn it Bella, I know you do… Stop lying to me… I know you" _funny, cause even I don't know myslef anymore._

I stood up. I didn't want his touch right now to what I am about to say. I have to be strong, for both of us, even though the words that are yet to come out of my mouth would mean hurting us both.

"You don't want to be with me Edward, I don't deserve you." It was the truth. I didn't face him, I don't want him to look at me once again for I know that he would see clearly through me.

"How can you say that?" he stood up and went to follow me. I was taken aback by what he did next.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me. The feeling was far too intoxicating that I nearly gave in.

"Don't touch me Edward please." I yanked his arms away from me and faced him with all the determination I can muster.

His face was shocked, his eyes wide. He was angry again.

"Why do you keep on running away from me Bella? Did I do something wrong to make you hate me that way?"

"No, Edward, I don't hate you. It's just that…" Here comes the lie…

"Youre Edward for crying out loud!"

"What does that mean?" he said, confusion in his eyes,

"Youre Edward 'the jock', 'the heartthrob' the guy every girl in the world are dying to be with. Youre a player, I get that. you don't have to do this just to prove anything."

He looked down, running his hand through his messy hair, something he does when he gets all tensed and nervous.

Still looking down, he said, "But I just want to be with you, only you. The only thing I'm trying to prove here is how imuch I love you, how much I want you. I don't give a fuck about anyone anymore. Yes I was a jerk…" he looked at me "but you changed me Bella, I'm a better man now because of you… why are you trying to push me away?"

He stepped closer, as if trying to reach to me. I stepped back. I didn't want him to touch me again, bacause if he did, I might finally give in. I cant…

"You don't want me Edward, I'm a mess and I don't deserve you, I was broken… still am and I don't want you to get hurt" The tears just came rushing in now, I couldn't hold it in much longer.

"Why do you keep saying that? I want you!!! I don't care if you're broken, or if youre a mess, I am too. But I'm willing to take the risk Bella, I want to give this a shot with you! I'm scared as hell but when I'm with you, I'm stronger." His voice was a mixture of pleading and anger. I couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't respond, I was too caught up with the angry tears drowning my heart until he spoke…

"Don't you want to be with me Bella? When I look at you I see something else. When I touch you I feel like wou want me too. Don't try to fight this Bella, please don't try to fight it…" he stepped even closer now but I bakced away once more.

He stood there, taken aback. I can see in his eyes the anger again.

He turned around walking away. I thought he was leaving but it took me by surprise when he punched the wall beside the bed. I jumped a bit, too shock of what he did. I was worried that he hurt himself, but he just stood there, his forehead on the wall. I wanted to come to him to know if he was okay. I was hurting him even more and I hated myself for it. But I couldn't find it in me to take a step forward and touch him._ What the hell is wrong with me???_

A few moments of silence have passed… pure and painful silence. I was just looking at him, his back to me.

Then he moved and sat on the side of the bed, his hand on his face. _Was he crying?_

With the softest voice he said "Don't you want me Bella? Do you have any feelings for me at all? If you say you don't I would leave you in peace and would not bother you anymore. Tell me you don't love me and I would leave you alone"

I was about to open my mouth and tell him what he wanted me to say for him to leave. But ofcourse It would have to be a lie. I opened my mouth but he stood up and walked over to me, holding my face with both of his warm hands.

He looked deep into my eyes as he said the words… "But I want you to mean it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me" his eyes were begging me to say otherwise. Moisture starting to form as I looked at him.

I wanted to say that all of this was a show, that all these things that I;m saying right now is a lie. I wanted to, but I'm so pathetic that I would rather watch him get hurt now than to drag him into my sick, crazy world because he deserved more.

I have to tell him a lie, but I have to have a determined look in my face for I know he would figure it out anyways.

"Edward, even if I said that I want to be with you, I cant. You see someone broke my heart a long time ago and its still a wreck up to now. And I don't want to drag you into my pathetic life. You deserve something much more. You don't know how it tortured me… you don't know how much I want to hold your hand everytime we're together; how much I want to touch your face just to feel how soft it is; how much I want to put my arm around you just to feel your warm embrace; how much I want to hear your voice every time you sepak, you laugh; how much I long for your company when you're not around… I want all of it Edward, I really do, but there's a part of me that's afraid that if I give in, I would still feel the same hurt I felt before..."

He chuckled though I'm not sure what he finds humurous about what I said…

"I'm sorry love, its just that… its like youre stealing my words… I feel the same way about you.. but stronger…" he stroked my cheek, a soft smile playing on his lips. His eyes showed all the love I definitely didn't find with Robert…

"But Edward, I cant be sure that every time i'm with you, I would not think of what happened to me in the past. It's a part of me that I'm still not able to let go and I'd be lying if I told that I'm fine now. I cant do that to you…" that was the truth…

"Then lie to me Bella, lie to me as long as you want. If someone hurt you in the past, let me fix it. Let me show you how much I love you and we'll figure it out together, you and me… just don't lie to me about not wanting to be with me too.. because I know you do…" his stare is starting to break me down, pushing me to give in…

He's still not backing down… though it might hurt him even more from what I'm about to say, I have to do it…

I closed my eyes so that he would not see the lie that was a bout to come…

"I don't want to be with you Edward, I don't want you…" a tear escapesd from my eyes. It was from the lie that just came out of my mouth. My own words cut me even deeper and I hated myself for it. But I have to be strong, for both of us. He'll get over me, I know he will. If I become selfish and just tell him I want ot be with him too, I'd just be dragging both of us into my miserable life…

His breath got caught as if he was about to choke. With one deep sigh, he placed his forehead with mine. I didn't dare to open my eyes for I know what I will see…

"You're breaking my heart Bella, you know that?" his voice sounded hoarse, even more painful than before…

"You'll survive Edward, you'll move on…" I wanted him to move on and forget about me… I want him to be happy even if it means he has to belong to someone else…

"How can I move on when the best part of me is always you?" his words hurt even more than my own… it surprised me… it wounded me – as if every word had cutting edges, more than that, every soft breath lurked a vast pool of hurt. The pain he felt coming from his words cut me deeper than my own…

"Please leave Edward…"

"NO!!" he released my face and for a moment I thought he would let go of me. But instead, he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, as if I was about to flee.

I was crying harder now, because it was far too painful to see him like this. He was begging me to stay with him but I cant. He has to leave…

I stayed there for a while, just wanting to savor the feeling of his touch… but I know I have to pull away.

Gently, I removed his arms off of me. But his grip became even tighter… I know I cant loose his grip even if I forced him to. So I decided to hit him even harder with my words… better to hurt him now than to hurt him even further with each moment we spend together.

"Please Edward, Please… let go of me and leave.. I don't want to be with you.. please leave now…" my own words choked me.. I was disgusted with myself…

He became stiff as a board as soon as the words came out and slowly, he let go of me. Emptiness immediately wrapped my whole body…

With a beseeching look in his eyes, he said the words slowly….

"I wont move Bella, I wont leave until you finally see that you belong with me…" he said the words with such conviction even I couldn't find it in me to doubt.

With that, he turned his back to me and started to leave.

Just when he was about to open the door, he said…

"One day Bella, you'll wake up and finally find that you're missing me. Until then, I will be waiting for you. Nothing you say or do would change how much I love you…" with that, he left…

I fell to the floor and finally let all the tears drown me… I just let the one person I want to take a chance with pass me by. And the worst oart if it was that I hurt him in the process… if I could, I would jump off this building and just kill myself. The feeling that crept up to me now was far worse than death… slow torture…

Seeing Edward as vulnerable left its aftermath… the pain and anguish in his eyes would be forever in my heart… in my mind…

I was finding it hard to breathe, my tears choking the hell out of me. I was drowning…

It seemed like forever, but it has only been hours… I was still sitting on the floor, tears still flowing mad from my eyes… what I wouldn't give just to feel anything but this…

I was becoming tired with each tick of the clock… my eyes were sure swollen and red but I didn't care… then I drifted off to sleep…

"_What do you want love? Just tell me and its yours.." Edward said, holding my hands and kissing them_

"_Just give me you and I'm happy" I said with the widest smile I can muster…_

"_Then its done!" a goofy grin flashed across his face…_

_I was happy, too happy infat. We were siting on the same bench where we first talked. His arm was wrapped protectively around my waist, the other holding my hand._

"_I love you so much Isabella… with all of me. You don't have to be afraid anymore, I'm here. I would never hurt you… you can trust me." He whispered across my ears. I had to smile. He sounded so sincere…_

"_Its me I don't trust…"_

"_I don't care, I love you so much I want to try… please, lets fo this together…" with that, he took my face and crashed his lips to mine…_

I woke up, panting…

I stood up alarmed… it was all a dream.. yet it felt so real… the feeling of his touch, his soft lips, his sweet words…

I want it all… _what am I doing??? _

_He loves me…_

_He wants to be with me…_

"_If someone hurt you in the past, let me fix it. Let me show you how much I love you and we'll figure it out together, you and me…"_

_I wanted to believe every words he said. I do…_

_I'm scared…_

"_We'll figure it out together…"_

_Could I do this? Maybe I could, I have Edward… what could I possibly need?_

_I was having an epiphany…_

Everything came rushing to me…

_His eyes_

_The way he touches me like I'm a precious thing_

_The way he takes care of me when Emmett teases the hell out of me_

_The way he's always ready to catch me when I fall_

_The way he sang those words to me with all the sincerity in the world_

_The way he wants me though I pushed him away_

_He promised he would wait…_

_He loves me…_

_I love him…_

_I love him…_

_I do…_

_What am I doing? I'm such an idiot…_

I was shaking now with the realization that suddenly hit me… I was panting, hyperventilating…

I stood up, I swayed a bit but I was able to catch myself… I have to get to him and tell him I love him too… _I do!!!_

I didn't even bother to wash my face or even straighten my dress…

I have to get to him.. I have to tell him I love him…

I ran towards the door, not really thinking of what to do next… I looked at the window and noticed that the sun was about to rise… _I slept the whole night??_

_SHIT!!_

I was shaking uncontrollably now… I have to leave now… he would be in his apartment… I don't care if Emmett or Jasper or Alice or the whole gang was there… I have to be with him.. I don't want to hurt him even more…

I yanked tha door open and was taken aback with what I saw…

It was Edward, sitting across the door, his head on his knees…

His eyes snapped up when he heard the door open…

I felt my stomach turn at the sight of him

_He stayed all night???_

The collar of his shirt was soaked…from tears?? _Was he crying? Over me???_

It made me more disgusted of myself even more…

His hair was a mess, his eyes red and puffy…

He looked at me with all the sadness in the world… it broke my heart even more.. he just stared at me, as if waiting for me to say something…

"I love you…" He said, his voice hoarse and dry…

His expression didn't change, there was no longing now, no excitement, not like last night.. he said the words as if it was a fact…

With all of me I replied… "I love you too…"

His expression changed now… his eyes glowed… there was the smile I wanted so much to see, flashing from his lips…

He stood up immediately and closed the distance between us…

I felt complete now… Scared to death… but as he said..

_We will do this together, him and me…_

I don't want to doubt anymore…

**a/n: How was it??? I waited for this chapter for so long… quite melodramatic but I don't mind.. hahaha I just wanted it all out.. I loved edward in this… sorry for the crappy grammar and typos.. I just wanted to post it already… hope u like it… read and review please.. thanks! Cheers!!**


	10. Giving In

**Chapter 10: Giving In**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

He closed the distance between us and now, I didn't back away. I want him close to me; to feel his touch, his soft lips, and every little part of him. I've denied myself of all of these and now I want to experience every little thing.

In a matter of seconds he was right in front of me, at for the first time, I saw in his eyes true happiness. Like a kid given his favorite gift on Christmas day. His happiness reached my heart and I couldn't help but beam a smile as well.

"I love you so much and thank you for finally letting me in…" his eyes were starting to glisten once more, but not from hurt, but from joy. Then he held me. Held me like he wasn't about to let me go. His embrace was too tight even for me, but I didn't want to complain. He can hold me like this for as long as he wants and I wouldn't want to let go.

He broke us off from the hug only to cradle my face with his hands. I opened my eyes to finally see his eyes, and this time not wanting to avoid his gaze like I normally would. Only now am I able to truly see them. Its color never seized to amaze me. It still has their natural green color, though his were more exquisite and refreshing than others. It held a somehow inviting and calming appeal to it. His eyes too were perfectly adorable right this moment. I know it might sound too cliché and cheesy but it sparkled; like the thought of first love… all over again.

He grinned, "Would it ruin the moment if I say I told you so?" he chuckled a bit.

"Nothing you can say would ruin this moment for me." I politely smiled at him because it was true. He would curse the hell out of this moment but the giddy feeling in my stomach would never cease. Well, it was also true. He told me so… and he got me…

"But I need to talk to you Edward. I'm really sorry for behaving the way I did before. I'm truly sorry for hurting you, for breaking your heart. I was stupid for not seeing it sooner. But…"

"Hush love, the past is past and let's try and focus on what's now. Please…"

"But I still need to talk to you. You deserve to know the truth about Robert, I need you to know. So you'd understand. I don't want to keep anything from you" I wanted to tell him so that he would know how broken I was; how afraid I am for doing this, and to let him know that I trust him. I want him to understand..

"If we're going to do this, we need to understand one another, trust each other. Is that okay?" my eyes pleading. I really want to make this work; I need this to work.

"Of course we can. But… uhmp… can I kiss you first? I've been dying to do that ever since." He looked down, as if he said something embarrassing. My breath got caught a bit to what he said. _Kiss him?? _I was nervous as hell too. I wanted to kiss him too, ever since, but the thought of his lips on mine sends chills through my spine, though not from fear but from excitement.

I didn't speak; I didn't trust my voice enough to answer. Instead, I took his chin upwards, smiled and nodded. His eyes sparkled with that and gave me a goofy grin which made me smile as well.

He took my face with both his hands. His thumb graced along my already flushed cheeks and my eyes voluntarily closed to his touch. His warmth passed a sense of calmness to radiate through me that my nervousness melted away.

"Open your eyes Bella." I couldn't refuse his request so I slowly opened my eyes and met with his green ones, with all the love I can muster. His eyes gave it all away.

"I love you so much and thank you for letting me love you back. You have no idea how much this makes me happy." With that, he slowly inched his face closer to mine until his lips touched mine.

The moment he placed his lips to mine, my breathing stopped. The feeling of his touch did not do justice to the feel of his kiss. His lips were soft, warm and inviting. If I could glue them with mine I would, just to feel his lips with mine forever.

At first, his lips were still, trying to feel my reaction. I felt stupid for just remaining frozen. I didn't want him to stop so I responded to the kiss.

Slowly, I took his bottom lip and gently sucked on it. _God, he tastes so freaking good!!_ There are no words to describe his taste.

While I took his bottom lip, he slowly sucked on my upper lip, in sync with my movement. And with that, our lips were now moving rhythmically. Exchanging position as our breaths became more and more limited. There was no urgency. We savored each peck as if we had the time in the world.

But the kiss started to intensify with each moment. Gently, he placed his arms around my waist and slowly pulled me to his chest. I didn't complain. I wound my arms on his neck; wanting the feel of his touch to drown me even more.

As if I didn't have control over my actions anymore, my hand reached up to touch the back of his head, to his soft locks. It was so smooth and shiny.

That probably undid his control because as soon as I started massaging his scalp, a moan escaped from his lips, sending vibrations to our connecting lips. It made me excited as well. I did the same thing with his hair, only more intense.

His kisses started to deepen, as he tried to open my mouth with his. His tongue graced my upper lip and I knew what he wanted. _Who am I to complain when his tongue tasted like that?_

So without any hesitation, I opened my mouth and let his tongue enter mine. It was warm and sweet like his lips, but much more luscious. He started massaging my own. His tongue dominated my own and I have nothing to complain about. I want him to dominate. I couldn't ask for anything more.

He started to lift me off the ground as his arms grabbed my waist, just above my hips. With that, I moaned even louder it was embarrassing. But I didn't care. I was kissing Edward and I couldn't care about anything anymore.

Our tongues played with each other, keeping their motions in sync. I moaned when his hands gripped me tighter… if we keep on doing this, I don't think we will have the chance to even talk.

"AHH!! My virgin eyes!!!" _why does he always seem to ruin a perfectly good moment??? Ggrr!!_

Edward was stunned by Emmett's obnoxious comment but he didn't mind one bit. He continued to kiss me with the same passion he had before. But I was. Though I didn't want to, I slowly removed my arms from his neck and pulled away. My cheeks would have looked like someone slapped me silly from the kiss we just shared. My lips throbbed but not from pain…

I looked at his face which mirrored my own. His cheeks too were flared and his lips a little swollen, I rested my forehead to his and sighed, totally contented.

"Finally, you two decided to get over yourselves already… the sexual tension between you two oozed like mad when you're together…" Jasper said as he draped an arm over Alice's shoulder.

I was in such a daze that I didn't mind any of their comments. All I cared about was the man in front of me and his heavy breathing.

"Alice, Rosalie, please stay at Jasper's today." He breathed out, not removing his eyes off of me as if I would disappear if he did. I smiled at that, knowing that he was too caught up in our little moment as I am.

"But! I have…"

"Please…" Edward begged

"Oh fine! You owe me you two…" she said as she turned away grabbing Jasper by the arm.

"Enjoy yourselves…" Rosalie voiced out humor in her voice, followed by Emmett's booming laughter.

"We can talk now." Edward said releasing me from our embrace, but still keeping his hands in mine. I loved how his hands fit perfectly on mine. Only now that I get to recognize subtle things that proved how truly meant for me he really was. I suddenly thought of my past and how I thought I belonged to Robert for the rest of my life. I used to think that I was. But now, I had to laugh at that. How crazy I was…

We went inside the room and sat on the bed. I told him everything. Every little detail about my past, my life in Forks, my friends, and Robert. It was as if we were getting to know each other once more, though we were already friends. It amazes me how he knew so little about me, and I him.

He told me about his life… why he used to act the way he did. I admitted why I hated him before and why I fell in love with him. It was quiet funny actually, the way we were telling each other everything. We've known each other for quite some time now and it still caught us by surprise how little we knew about each other.,

We were open and honest when we talked. It's refreshing. I loved every moment of it. We spent the day just lying in my bed, talking and kissing… a lot.

We swore to be honest and open with each other from then on. We both need to learn how to make this work. But what's reassuring is that we are both willing to be the best person we want to be for the other. I loved him dearly and he loved me as well. Nothing can be better than this.

I'm scared as hell, yeah. There's no doubt about that. I'm still not 100 percent sure if I am going to be the best girlfriend for Edward, but just the thought of being away from him, and not sharing my life with this man, brings me pain.

**A/N: im so sorry for not updating in like forever. Its just that I got too caught up in school, ojt and such… sorry!! Lol plus, ive been too engrossed on too amazing ffics that when I look at mine, I end up having no inspiration to continue knowing that mine would be crappy compared to the fantastic ones ive read and loved. Ill real really try and update more often… I just need something to boost me up… (maybe reviews?? Lol) this is not a really fun chapter.. I just need something to tie up this and the previous one…. I need a plot to make the story more interesting… any suggestions u guys??? Cheers!!**


	11. My Inexhaustible Springtime

**Disclaimer: the usual stuff…I DON'T OWN ANYTHING… WELL EXCEPT THE SCENE UNDER THAT MADE ME ALL SWEATY WHILE WRITING THIS CHAPTER… :D**

**Chapter 11: Confidence**

"I love you… so much" Edward said as we lay by the bed, arms around each other.

"That's the 20th time you said that today" I chuckled but I definitely don't mind him saying it over and over again.

"I know, but I do, I really do." He said as he looked at me.

"I Love you too. But we have to leave this room some time Edward. We can't be here all day."

"Yes, we can..." he chuckled as he tightened his arm around me.

"Hmmm…" I couldn't complain anymore, with his warm arms tight around me. _How can I?_

At around 4 pm, we decided to head off to grab some bite to eat, since we were starving for not having eaten the whole day. I went to shower and fix myself up while Edward went to his apartment to shower and change as well. Event though we spent almost the whole day together, I still feel this heavy weight in my heart, like a piece is missing, when he's apart.

I've come to this realization while I stood under the hot shower that this is the best it's going to get. I really need to trust myself and Edward if we're going to make this work. I love him, no doubt about that. Yeah I doubted him, especially myself, before. I'm scared as hell as well. But I need to put all those fears aside if I'm going to let myself be happy. I needed this, I needed him. I don't think I could forgive myself if I screw this up anymore. So from now on, I'm going to devote myself in making this relationship work. _He is a part of my life now… a very integral part of my life. _

After what seemed to be hours, I finally went out of the bathroom, wrapping the towel around me.

I was towel drying my hair while humming to myself, too ecstatic and giddy.

I immediately went over to the dresser, trying to choose what to wear for the evening… _God, Alice is really rubbing off on me…_

As I went over, I swear I saw in peripheral vision a figure on the side of my bed… I immediately put my arms around me to cover myself. _Reflex reaction._

"Ahhh..!!!" Oh my Freaking Lord!! It was Edward...

I nearly jumped when I saw him. I was too surprised, though relieved at the same time. I thought someone broke into the dorm room or something.

I caught my breath enough to let me speak.

"W-what are you doing here? I mean, how did you get here so fast? I thought you were going to shower or something?"

He was still looking at me… well more like ogling… his eyes weren't on my face; it was "on" me... I felt a familiar blush creep up on my cheeks when I realized what I was wearing and I set my eyes down. I was too embarrassed.

Just when I was about to feel even more humiliated, I felt a cool finger lift my chin only to face the most beautiful eyes I have ever laid eyes on.

His face was a few inches from mine and I couldn't look away. It was like a force I can't seem to fight, pulling me deeper. _Never can I look away from this perfection that is before me. _

"Uhhh…" was all I was able to come up with… I was too clouded with emotions I felt for him.. love, care, _lust?_.

Yeah, lust… I feel all tingly inside, like someone is tickling the insides of my heart, my guts... the feeling was all over, its giving me goosebumps, but not from the cold. I shiver in front of him, probably shaking too.l

He didn't say a word, he just stared at me and I him. The room seemed smaller now, hotter even. I closed my eyes, waiting for his lips to touch mine. Oh how I waited for his lips…

But somehow, it never came… after a few more embarrassing seconds, I opened my eyes, to find his closed. He was breathing heavily through his nose, his forehead creased. _What? Did I do something wrong this time?_

He looked pained, like he's fighting something I have no idea about. Did he not want to kiss me?

He opened his eyes, but his forehead was still wrinkled. He looked at me, though his eyes were dark. His thumb stroked the side of my flaming cheeks, making me lean over his touch. I closed my eyes once more, basking on the warmness of his touch. His hands were trembling, like he's nervous about something. To stop his fingers from fidgeting, I placed my hands above his, gently rubbing it to ease his tension.

"What's wrong?" I gently whispered…

Still no answer. I opened my eyes once more and found his eyes more relaxed.

Slowly, he inched his face to mine, fluttering his eyes closed. _Ahh... Finally..._

I was anticipating for a kiss on the lips so I closed my eyes once more… but it never came, though I knew his face was so close. Just when I was about to open my eyes, I felt his hot breath on my cheeks, slowly cascading down my jaw, to the side of face, near my sensitive spot at the base of my ear. I sighed, feeling too turned on. His breath was making me weak, sending my legs into a sleeping state. I was feeling like my knees would crumble in any minute, or seconds now when I felt his arms wrap securely around my waist, holding me firmly to him.

He continued to caress my face with his breath, but not touching his face, not even his lips to mine which made me even more frustrated than ever. All I wanted was to put my lips over his and just bask in his amazing taste.

But he kept on teasing me, just feather light breath fanning my face, all throughout my sensitive spots. As if I couldn't get anymore aroused, he tightened his grip on me.

"ARRGGHH!! Just kiss me already! Godammit!!!"

He chuckled, making me shake a bit.

"Get dressed Bella, we need to get going." He said calmly as if we were just talking a few seconds ago.

I opened my eyes all of a sudden to find him smirking at me… how can he find this amusing when he left me hanging over here???

My face fell soon after I heard him say that. Doesn't he want me? I mean am I getting this all wrong?

I felt humiliated, utterly embarrassed. I just laid myself out, for him to take and he just blew me off and even finding it entertaining. I didn't want to say anything else so I just turned around, grabbed my stuff, went to the bathroom and slamming the door… hard.

I tried not to think about it and hurriedly put my clothes on. I was soooo mad at him for teasing me like that, though I can't find it in me to get angry at him. I mean, I have no right to get angry. He didn't do anything… I mean literally didn't do anything… but it frustrate me to no end. I feel like I'm a horny teenager right now, waiting to get some from her boyfriend. How pathetic can I be right? Just when I was about to get out, it clicked.

_He's teasing me… so what do I do now?? Hah… give him a dose of his own medicine…_ a wicked grin appeared on my lips as I thought of ways to get back at him for what he did… or didn't do...

I went out of the room, smiling, like nothing happened. Edward was sitting on the edge of my bed, his eyes close and his hand all over his hair. _Like it can get any messier??_

He immediately looked at me when I came out, his eyes pleading.

"Honey… I'm…" he started. But I cut him off, trying to let him know its okay. I needed him to feel fine so I can make my move. Hahahaha!!!

"Come on, it's late and I'm hungry…" I flashed him a fake smile to let him know I'm okay.

_Well, at least that what I need him to think._

"o-okay" he said, probably confused of my sudden mood shift.

We went down the parking lot, hand in hand and not talking. It seemed awkward in a way, but with our hand intertwined like this, nothing can seem uncomfortable at the moment.

We met the gang in an Italian place not too far from the campus to get some bite to eat. It was nice seeing everyone again, not that I am complaining being with Edward the whole day.

I acted normal the whole ride there, even when we were already at the restaurant. I tried to let Edward know that I'm perfectly fine, but really I'm far from it. I have some things in store for him for teasing me the way he did at my room.

"Well, well, well, so the love birds finally decided to join us." Teased Emmett when we were already seated at our table.

"Shut up Emmett." Edward hissed, probably feeling a little crappy from earlier. He should feel shit, for what he did to me. Though I internally laughed thinking that he was pissed.

"Let get some grub, I'm starving…" I said, truly hungry for not having some food in me the whole day.

When we were finally seated, we went to order, quite a large amount of food I might add.

All of us were chatting animatedly with each other, something we always do. I took a peek at Edward who seemed to be quiet all throughout the night. I felt a little bad for not talking to him, though it was his fault in the first place. It was childish I know, but hell, I can be immature when I want to.

I was thinking of letting him off the hook some time now, but not with some revenge.

I stopped from talking to Alice, who was blabbing something about a sale she saw just around the corner. I was listening though my mind was elsewhere. I didn't give a crap about shopping, or anything about fashion for that matter, I just like seeing her face light up every time she talks about it. I love her to death.

I adjusted my self so that I was closer to Edward, leaning to him, though facing Alice. The table we were seating at has a large white table cloth covering it so what I was about to do wont be seen by anyone, not even the people in our table. Acting like I was intently listening to Alice, I place my hands and gently caressed Edward's neck, and moved to stroke his hair.

He sighed at my touch and leaned over, so that he can place his lips on my neck. _Nuh-uh… I won't be having that. _

I was determined to tease him, not the other way around. So I faced him, a smirk on my face and gently pushed his face off of my neck. I saw his confusion and just ignored it, facing Alice once more, which by the way, didn't even recognize what I was doing.

I stroked his neck once more, reminding my self that I was the one teasing by making my touch as gentle as possible to create a more "sensual" effect.

I heard his breath hitch a bit as I grab a fist of his hair and softly pulling it. He tightened the hand that was around my waist, letting me know that I was succeeding.

Ever so gently, I lowered my hands, from his face, to his neck again, to his chest down to his parted legs. I kept my touches as feather light as possible. He went immediately rigid as soon as my hands were on the inside of his thighs, avoiding touching the middle. _I'm not ready for that yet._

So there I was, stroking his legs, up, down, up down, nearly touching his crotch. He was completely stiff the whole time and I knew that I was having an effect on him. _Success!!_

I'm glad that the table cloth was long enough to hide my hands. It would be utterly embarrassing if any of the people, especially our friends to see what I was doing. They might probably think I'm such a perv for not even waiting until Edward and I were alone to get some.

Anywhooo… there I was, stroking his legs… he whispered in my ear, with a husky voice.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he grumbled, though I can feel that he was enjoying himself.

I looked over at him, battling my eyelashes, trying to look all innocent.

"What do you mean?" I said, scrunching my nose a bit, but not stopping my assault on his inner thighs.

I was smiling inside knowing that I am making this uncomfortable… _hah, that's what you get for teasing me earlier._

"That's highly inappropriate love; you don't know what you're trying to do to me".

"You want me to stop?" I asked, trying to sound more seductive as ever.

"Y-ye… N-no… I mean, we can do that later…" he was stuttering for words… I cannot believe it, I was making Edward _too-hot-and-sexy-to-be-my-boyfriend-but-is-anyway _Cullen stutter??? Man, I must be having a great day.

"Do what later?" I asked innocently again.

"That.." he pouted his adorable lips down to his legs trying to emphasize what he meant.

"Oh no.. we're not doing anything later Mr. I'm-too-too-sexy-trying-to-tease-his-girlfriend-while-wearing-nothing-but-a-towel-and-leaving-her-all-hot-and-bothered…"

I was being too bold tonight and I like it. I haven't felt anything like this for a really long time, and might as well bask in this feeling and not feel too insecure all the time.

His eyes went wide realizing what I said.

"About earlier…I-I'm…"

"Yeah, about earlier…" I said mocking him…

"I'm sorry about that, it took all of my will power not to take you right then and there with you wearing nothing but a stupid excuse for a towel, water almost dripping from your body.. I mean I didn't want to scare you or anything, its just that… arghh! Its so frustrating! I don't want you to think I'm a pervert if I jump on you when you're wearing only that…" he said, nearly catching his breath.

So he thinks I would think he was taking advantage of me? Where did he get that idea? I am the one acting practically like a pervert right now, stroking his thigh and he thinks he's being too forward? God!!!

I laughed at how silly he's being. I moved closer so that I could whisper in his whisper.

"You don't know how badly I wanted you to take me right there and then. I would always want you Edward, always." I said, meaning every word of it. I didn't care what he would think of me after everything I said. I just know two things right this moment.

I love Edward with all my heart and soul; and I would give everything to him, body, heart and soul.

He looked me straight in the eyes and I saw nothing but joy in them. He was smiling my favorite smile as he kissed me full in the lips.

"I want you too… forever…_kiss…_and ever_…kiss…_and ever…_kiss…_and ever."

"What the fuck, get a room you two…" Rosalie snickered, making all of them laugh. Now I was blushing. How silly of me. After basically seducing my boyfriend and not being a bit embarrassed about it, now I'm blushing. What's wrong with me?

"God, you two. Can't you be around each other for and hour without having your face all practically molded together? I love you to death Bella, but you and Edward making out in front of us like that makes me want to gag, no offense.." Emmett said, faking to vomit.

"I could say the same to you and Rose Em, so don't act like you're a virgin…" Edward said, making all of us laugh hard.

It's the first time I have ever felt like this. I feel so carefree when I'm around Edward, bold even, like I can anything and not even mind who's watching.

I like this feeling. I like how Edward makes me feel. I love him so much and I am not denying it.

When we were all finished eating, the boys went to pay the bill, something that we all got used to by now.

We were walking outside of the restaurant when Edward grabbed me by the waist and spun me around, bumping on to each other with the force he used; though not hurting me in the process.

"You'll pay for that little stunt you did back there when we get home." He said as he flashed me once again that crooked grin of his. I wasn't to complain when he talked to me about this.

"Oh yeah? Well I hate to burst your bubble mister but Alice and Rosalie would be at the dorm with me tonight so I don't think you're getting any time soon." I aid while stroking his hair out of his face. _Can his hair get any sexier?_

"Who said you're going home to your dorm room tonight?"

I felt my breath get hitched with what I heard. Not that I'm complaining, but I suddenly felt scared, conscious and excited all at the same time.

We were out of the restaurant now and headed to our respective cars… well toward Edward's car that is.

He had me immediately pinned to the door of his Volvo when he started to kiss me, passionately.

There was a rush in this kiss. Not totally violent but sweet and romantic. The rush was from our emotions, the emotions that were built up deep down inside our hearts, bursting loudly to our frenzied kiss. I couldn't get enough of him, so out of instinct; I pushed myself closer to him and wound my fingers through his hair, tugging it gently. His hold on my waist tightened, trying to find something to hold on to.

Our kiss deepened. I angled my face to the side to let him in my mouth easily. I traced my lip to his lower lip, asking for entrance, anything just to have a taste of how sweet and delicious he is. As soon as I did this, he groaned. Without further coaxing, he let me in. I was dominating now; our tongues fighting for dominance. _He wouldn't have that…_ I thought to myself. His tongue was fierce, urgent, but never forceful. His tongue played with mine, but now he was the one winning. I didn't complain one bit, how can I? when he has the most delicious taste in the world?

Right this moment, nothing else mattered. I didn't mind our friends probably gagging with our public display of affection.

_I don't give a fuck…_

We were grinding onto each other now, trying to ease the familiar built up by finding friction in our intertwined bodies. I moaned and pushed into him upward, obviously feeling the strain in his pants.

It felt so good that I lifted my leg just to feel it at the place I wanted friction the most. We were both panting now, heavily breathing through our noses. I needed to catch my breath now or I'm afraid I might pass out from lack of oxygen. Plus, the drumming in my heart was now so loud and fast, I think I might hyperventilate.

So broke the kiss, much to my dismay. But Edward isn't having any of that. As soon as our lips broke apart, he started his assault on my neck, placing sloppy, open mouthed kisses all over my collarbone, over at the side of my ears, through my sensitive part just below it. I moaned once again, not being able to control the sounds coming out of my mouth from sheer pleasure.

I took a peak at our surroundings and found that we were alone in the parking lot. None of our friends were at the area and I mentally rejoiced. The parking lot was at the alley next to the restaurant where no one was around, thank god. There were a few cars but no one is around to see what we were doing. I wanted to stay right here and just take Edward already, right here, in the cold parking, in his car… I wanted to soooo bad… _oh my god! I'm turning into some sick sex addict…_

I snapped out of my reverie and tried very very very very hard to stop myself. We need to get some place more private to continue our…_actions…_

"Edward… we need to stop…" I barely whispered…

"No we don't" he said huskily in between kissing along my neck

"Uh yeah we do… I don't want to do this here…"

With a heavy sigh, he released me and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just can't get enough of you Bella. You're too tempting for your own good, I can't help myself…"

"I don't mind. I just don't want someone coming in on us like this. We can go back to your place now, I mean if you still want to…" I was embarrassed now for wanting him so bad.._ yeah.. now I get embarrassed.. perfect!!_

"Haha, of course I want you… always…" and with that, we went inside his car and quickly drove out of the lot.

"Where are the others? I didn't see them drive off." I pondered

"Well, we were preoccupied at the moment back there, they might have left already, I didn't see their cars in the lot." He smirked at me, probably enjoying an image from a while back. I too couldn't help myself but blush.

"Yeah…" was all I was able to choke out.

"So, you're staying the night? I can kick the boys out so we can have the apartment to our selves" he looked at me, taking my hands I his while the other remained on the stirring wheel.

"Do you think they'll mind? Oh god, I cant even think of what they'll say… they probably think we're some sex addicts or something" I chuckled, I did mind a bit. They haven't seen this part of me, even I was afraid of myself. How did I become this person? So confident and carefree?

"Oh, I'm sure they won't mind." He said smiling while letting go of my hand and pulling his phone from his hands.

He dialed a number and I'm not sure whom. I just sat there, biting my lip.

"Hey dude, where are you? Yeah?... uhmp, would you guys mind staying over at the girl's tonight?... yeah, Bella and I need to, uhmp, talk and we need a little privacy at the apartment. I don't need Emmett teasing us all the night away… yeah.." he chuckled.

"Thanks man… I owe you.. and uhmp… keep it subtle 'kay? Okay bye…" he shut his phone and took my hand once more.

"Who did you call? Jasper?"

"Yeah, if I called Emmett we might be go hiding for about a year in a cave somewhere. Plus, if I called him, he might come barging in my room when we least expect it."

"Yeah, totally Emmett."

"Yeah, so what did Jasper say?" I probed.

"Well, he sais he got our backs. You know Japer's a pretty straight up guy. I can always count on him."

"Oh yeah, especially when you're trying to get laid in your room and need his help from keeping Emmett away… he surely is the man…" I joked.

He laughed throwing his head back…

"What am I ever going to do with you love.. besides, I'm not trying to get laid. I just want to spend the night again with you, hold you in my arms."

"Yeah, right. So you're not getting any tonight. Period." I teased back.

His head whipped through my direction, his eyes wide in shock. I couldn't help by giggle at the look in his face. He's so adorable.

He pouted and released his pleading eyes on me. That cracked me up and I ended up laughing so hard I felt tears trying to form in my eyes.

"Let's juts get to your apartment and let's see what happens." I said after catching my breath.

"Will do…" he picked up our joined hands and place a kiss on my knuckles.

"I love you so much, babe you know that right?" he said as looked at me and gently rubbed my hand in his.

"I know and I love you too…" I smiled feeling content.

The emotions in my heart are starting to become too overwhelming. I know I should probably feel a little alarmed by now. My happiness seemed too much. Can a person be as this happy? Utter bliss…

Edward is my sunshine, my warmth in the coldest of night, my air when I can hardly breathe, my, the brightest star in the darkness of the night… my inexhaustible springtime… I couldn't ask for more.

**A/N: again, I have no excuse for not updating for oh so long… I guess I have been busy?? Lol yeah its hard to write especially when I am caught up with other things. Plus it takes me such a long time to write, I don't know why. I guess I just want to give you guys something worthy of your wait. Well, I hope someone's still reading my story.. hahaha.. anyways… sorry again… I am itching to read comments and reviews so please don't hesitate to do so… it's what keeps me from writing... thank you for those who sent me pms urging me to continue writing.. thank you thank you thank you…**

***sorry for the horrible grammar and a few typos… cant wait for beta to review this.. im just too excited to post!!! Enjoy..**


	12. Too much too soon?

**Chapter 12: Too Much too Soon?**

**Summary: **Bella starts her first year in college, leaving a not so pleasant experience during High school with her first love. Will she be able to heal again? Will she take the risk of trusting her heart to someone after what she has been through?

**I don't own anything. **

**BPOV**

I don't know what came to me. I suddenly became nervous after Edward called Jasper. During the short drive to his place, I became silent, over thinking things. Its not that I am doing this for the first time or anything, I mean I'm not a virgin. It's just that it had been too long since I've been intimate with a guy. Especially someone who I truly love and care for. So yeah, I am nervous as hell. Edward seems to be more than I have asked for. At least on what I am seeing now. Could he be truly real? My own personal dream come true? I sure hope to God he is. I don't think I can bear to be hurt once more. Not that I have taken a chance yet again, taking that risk to give my heart out to someone again.

We're getting near his apartment now and I feel like my hands are sweating. I couldn't even look at him now without exposing what I truly feel. It's like when you are about to jump off a cliff. You are anticipating the dive, the hype, yet you're still scared shit of jumping. That's closest to what I feel, except that the hype is so much more than the adrenaline that will course through your body after the jump. It's Edward. Period.

He turned off the ignition and let out a deep breath. He looked at me with all the compassion and patience I never thought can see in his eyes.

"Babe, we don't have to do this, I mean I'm not trying to force you or anything. I just want to spend the night with you." He said his voice calm and resolved.

I looked at him then, "No, I'm not feeling forced Edward, I was just thinking. You don't have to worry about me, I want this, and I want you." I said and squeezed his hand to make him feel that I want him too.

"If you say so, come one lets go upstairs." He opened his door and immediately opened mine. I laughed at myself at how silly he is. I know he wants this so much more than I do; he's a man I guess.

We walked hand in hand up to his apartment and he opened the door. We walked inside while he flipped the lights on.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked while I sat on the couch.

"Uh, water would be nice. Thank you" I said taking a look at his apartment. I've been in this place numerous times and only now have I realized that the whole room doesn't scream Edward himself. It's more like the combination of the three of them. Jasper, Emmet and him.

The part near the television says Emmett all the way with all the game consoles and the huge Lazy boy seat at the middle of it. The flat plasma TV is sure to be Em's idea. At the side of the Television is a rack full of books and CDs which I know is Edward's. At the far end of the room there was a small space for musical instruments; guitar, a small piano, a beat box and other small instrument I have no idea what. This area seems to be a combination or Edward and Jasper since they have the same tastes in music and plays the same instruments. It made me smile looking at this. Because when you look at the guys in a distance, you'll just see gorgeous men, properly dressed and even sometimes mistake them to being snob and have tendencies to be jerks. I highly contradict that.

I've never been close to a lot of guys before but I know how to judge character. And for the short time that I have been with these people, I know that they're the most genuine and loyal people I have ever known. Maybe that's why I grew close to them in just a short period of time. I'm glad that I came to this place and met these amazing people.

I was brought out of my reverie when I felt two arms hugging my waist form behind and I instantly melted.

"Hey, here's your water." Edward said as he handed me a bottle of water. I took it and faced him. I can't stand not being able to see his eyes.

"Thanks babe." I walked out of his arms and onto the couch. I kicked of my shoes and put my feet on the couch. He soon followed.

He faced me and smiled, reassuring me that he's fine with whatever it is I want to do.

We looked at each other for a long moment but I can't take the distance any more. I leaned in and placed my lips in his. The kiss was gentle and sweet and hot at the same time. No matter how many times I kiss him, it can't seem to be any less than the feeling it had before. The fire is still there, the burn to inch closer and feel him is getting more and more potent.

He sensed my impatience and scooted closer while our lips are still in sync. He put his hands at the back of my neck while I placed mine on his muscular chest. The kiss is getting heavier and heated but I couldn't find it in me to stop. When I fisted his hair he groaned the sexiest sound I have ever heard and angled his face to the side to deepen the kiss. He was being a gentleman by trying to pry his tongue sweetly and gently inside my mouth. But I couldn't take it anymore. I opened my mouth and tasted him. I sighed at the taste of him. So warm and wet and sweet.

We were getting impatient and hot as our tongues fought for dominance. I know he is letting me lead the way by not taking it any further. I think I can help him with that. So I slowly straddled his waist while not breaking the kiss. When we both needed air, he went straight to my neck down to my exposed collarbone. We placed hot, wet and sloppy kisses up and down while my head rolled back from the intensity of his touch. I didn't know how long we were doing this. The only thing I knew is the pleasure and the heat coming off from our bodies while we slowly explore every inch of it. I massaged his hair and the back of his neck while he held my waist as close as possible not letting any distance to form between us. He moved his other hand from my neck while slowly inching its way to the small of my back making me even hotter.

Of course, since I was on his lap, I can clearly feel how excited he is becoming and I didn't have it in me to complain. I was also getting more and more impatient as I felt the dampness between my legs and the friction it desperately needs. I scooted even closer to his lap. The moment I did that, something jolted every nerve in my body as I felt the friction of our bodies. I placed my head to the side of his neck because I couldn't take the feeling of it all; of all of him. I started grinding myself on his lap just to ease the burn that's building. He must have felt the same too because he was holding me closer now while his hips started to move in time with mine.

Our breathing was becoming more and more labored and sweat is starting to form in my forehead.

"Oh baby you don't know how good that feels." He sighed tickling my neck in the process.

All I could answer was a helpless moan form my lips. I couldn't form any coherent sentence, not while feeling this intense feeling in every cell of my body. His other hand started form lazy circles at my stomach and slowly eases its way upwards. I was aching with anticipation for him to just touch me. I arched my back to emphasize my point but he's taking it slow. I smiled at that knowing that he is still thinking of me when all I could think about was the pleasure of it all.

When he was about a tiny inch away from the place I want him to touch, _rriinngg!_

The phone rang but I don't think that would stop us from what we're doing.

"Ignore it" he said. I couldn't have agreed more. I nodded and focused on the man in front of me.

"_This is Jasper, Emmett and Edward's place, we're not hear right now to take your call. Please leave a message after the beep and we'll try and get back to you when we can. Bye!"_ the answering machine chimed.

"EDWARD! Why the hell did you ditch us huh? I know you're there with Bella..!! I know you! Jasper tried to be subtle about sneaking you out but you can't fool me! Get back here right this instant. Bella, I know you can hear me stop what you're doing right this instant! Don't do anything foolish. You just got together and you're already… aahhh!! Just get back here! I don't want to visualize you two…" I was taken aback by what Alice said. I stopped and listened.

I know that we just got together but we are so in love. We are right? I mean this is what lovers do. All the doubts in my head of us being together came flooding through me and I had to stop and straighten up. I looked at the answering machine for a moment and listened some more.

I was anticipating Alice's voice when a booming laugh erupted from the background.

"Edward, Alice said stop what you're doing right this instant or else. She's a real pain in the ass isn't she? Such a cockblock… Anyways she told me to stop you guys or else she'll rip my head off. You know how she gets. But ill do it anyways. _Ehem.._ Jasper's dick, My naked ass. There. That would do it. Talk to you in a few. And sorry guys, I have to agree with Al on this one. Love you! Bye!"

The call ended. Edward and I looked at each other then, trying to make sense of what the hell was that about.

"She's right Babe, I'm sorry." He sighed and gently placed me on the other end of the couch. He stood up and paced in front of the couch.

"What?"

His eyes were closed, forehead scrunching together like he's solving a difficult math problem. I wanted to just stand and wrap myself around him. But I couldn't. I was like a stone, like my ass was glued on the couch. Alice was right? Did he want this? I know I want this, or do I? I felt confused all of a sudden. Hurt even that he didn't want me the same way as I want him. But was I going at this the wrong way? Too fast? All of these emotions clouded my mind right this moment.

After a few moments of silence, I had enough.

"Please say something." I pleaded.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? Screw Alice and just proceed then? I feel like a huge dick right now for taking advantage of the moment. Of taking advantage of you. I'm sorry I fucked this up." His eyes were still closed now and I hated it.

"What are you talking about? You didn't take advantage of me. I want this too. It takes two to tango you know and with the way I acted earlier it didn't seem that you were the only one who's in to it so please stop being ridiculous."

His eyes snapped open and I saw every bit of emotion behind it. Anger, sadness, regret, hurt, love and care. All these just came flooding through me and I knew. He's just as confused as I was.

"But she's right. At least to the physical stuff that is. I love you and I adore every part of you. But I can't help but feel like I'm taking away something from you right this moment. Like I'm turning you into this person that I once was, or maybe I still am. Compulsive and careless. But the last thing I want to do is be careless with you. You're too precious to be treated like that. I'm sorry I'm giving you a confusing statement right now with the way I acted earlier but Alice made me think this trough. I want you, more than you'll ever know and I want to treat you the way you should be treated. Not as a horn dog ready to jump when opportunity flares in. I got carried away and I'm sorry. Please don't hate me for this." By the time he stopped he was sitting beside me at the couch, his elbows on his knees and rubbing his fore head with his palms.

I wasn't thinking clearly now. I just want to shut my mind for the night.

"Please take me home. I just want to be alone right now." I sighed.

"Okay." He didn't object and in minutes we were at the door of my room. The ride home was a blur. My mind went blank after what he said. It's a lot to take in plus I just need to think things myself.

We stood there for a few moments while he held my hand.

"I'll see tomorrow?" he asked, not sure of what my reaction would be.

"Uh," I wasn't sure what to answer. I want to go over this my way and talk to him when I am ready.

"Maybe I'll call you okay?"

"Okay." He said, defeated.

I didn't know what happened to me that night. I was so sure of myself. Of course I wanted Edward. Haven't I? Ever since I realized that I love him, I wanted him. I mean truly wanted him that he haunts my dreams and my every thought. I have never been so sure of myself. But why is it that after hearing it from another person, from Alice especially, that we're moving way too fast with our relationship, I lost it? All of a sudden I was having second thoughts about how things are going.

I have always been like this. With every decision I make, there's always a part of me wishing I would have done differently. I guess I'm fucked up like that. I have always been dancing around ideas in my head never settling for something concrete to make my mind up to. But like I said, Edward is someone I am sure of, even though it's me I am not quite sure of when ever I am with him. Now, having thought of the things I have done over the past weeks, I realized that maybe Alice is right. Maybe I am taking all of these things in the wrong pace. I was too caught up with my feelings for Edward and my lack of sexual release for quite a long time now.

Having all of that said, I am now determined to talk to Edward and set things straight with him. That I love him and am willing to take our relationship in a slower pace and take things seriously between us. I am a woman on a mission! A mission I am hopefully able to accomplish with the help of my Oh so willing Boyfriend. God I hope this works.

So here I am, a week after the incident, walking towards Edward's apartment. He contacted me the morning after that night and I blew him off. Not because I didn't want to talk to him but because I wanted to clear my head of all things about us. I wanted a clean slate to think through the things about us. I wanted nothing to impair my judgment. Cause everything about him impairs me. He called and texted me quite obsessively and I ignored them. I hope he doesn't think I'm blowing him off because of something he did. Rather of something I did.

I wanted to talk to him and let him know that we should take things slowly. I wanted to know him more and discover all the things about him. Only now that I realized how little I know of Edward despite the moments we shared even when we were just friends. Now is the time to build our relationship on a solid foundation. I don't want a repeat of what happened before. Ugh! You think you know someone until they fuck you up and run off leaving you with nothing but hopes of your shattered heaven.

I was standing in his apartment door now, rationally thinking of how to go over this talk. I knocked twice and waited for someone to answer the door. I didn't know if Emmett or Jasper was here with him.

Edward appeared on the door with nothing but his boxers on, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. When he saw me, his eyes grew instantly wide, his mouth hanging open.

He immediately hugged me to him knocking the breath out of me.

"Oh baby, I missed you so much. You don't know how it made me feel not being able to see or talk to you. I love you so much". He said, out of breath.

I had to laugh at his silliness. Though I'm not the one to complain, I missed him too. Terribly I may I add.

The feel of his naked chest on me made me think of things I shouldn't be thinking at the moment so I had to entangle myself away from him to clear my head.

"I missed you too babe, but I think we need to talk first before I get carried away". I half smiled. He motioned for me to come in and I did. The apartment was empty which was nice. I need the silence to be able to talk to him freely.

"Where are the boys?" I asked, as I sat down on the couch.

"They're out having breakfast. I wasn't up for it so I decided to stay in." he sat down next to me and hugged me to him.

"Can I do this then? It's been way too long since I held you." He pleaded

"That's fine. I missed being in your arms too you know." I confessed as I hugged him closer if that was even possible.

"But we really need to talk and to be able to get the things out of my head is for you to stay over here and me over here" I said as I scooted at the other end of the couch. I needed the distance to be able to control myself. His half naked body is not helping my self control at the moment and I have an agenda to attend to.

"O…kay?" He shrugged definitely wondering what I meant.

"Okay, so first of all I want to apologize for what happened the other week. I know I must have given you the wrong impression and took advantage of the moment, of you or whatever, its just that-…"

"You didn't give me the wrong impression and you can't take advantage of the willing Bella…" he interrupted.

"I would appreciate if you would let me finish. This is hard for me to get out so just… sshhh!" I said exasperated. I didn't mean to snap at him but my nerves are going all haywire trying to make a point here.

He just smiled apologetically and motioned with his hand for me to continue.

"Thanks. So yeah, uhm, it doesn't matter whose fault it was but I just wanted to say sorry. I've been thinking these past few days and I think we headed off to a pretty uhm, how can I put this to words??" I was mumbling now

"Uhm, its just we're moving too fast as what Alice said and I agree with her as so were you. I don't want our relationship to be based on just our physical attraction towards each other. I should know better than that. We…" I gestured between him and I. " should know better than that. Especially me who have been… well whatever, just, let's take things slow okay? I mean if that's alright with you. I know your history with girls did not require going slow and I would understand if you…" I was cut off when Edward clamped my mouth shut with his thumb and index finger.

"Babe, I get it. Stop rambling. I have been thinking a lot too and I know this. Didn't you think I would have thought of it sooner? I mean since the moment we got together I've been thinking of us, and how things would progress between us. I'm scared as shit because I'm new to this stuff. All the relationships I had are mostly based on physical attraction, sex and noting more. You…" he cupped my face with both of his hands "are special to me. You're not like any other girls I've been with and I want to take special care of you. I don't want you to think that I'm rushing things by jumping in bed with you as soon as I got the chance. And I want to apologize too for the way I acted before. It's just that you're so tempting and sexy and beautiful and argh! Everything for your own good. I just, I want to love you properly because you're special and you're everything to me. I love you… Let me love you the way you're supposed to be loved. I couldn't bare losing you just because of my raging hormones." He chuckled.

I sighed. How can we take things slower when we're feeling like this? But I guess we should at least try. We care far too much about each other to jeopardize that.

"Okay, not that that's cleared up, can you please come closer now? I've been away from you for far too long." I couldn't deny him that so I scooted closer and hugged him so tight my chest would've combusted.

"I missed you… so much. And I love you too. Thanks for understanding." I sighed. I loved the feel of his warmth on me.

"So I think we should have ground rules for this. I mean so that we'll know what our limits are. I'm not one for self control as you can observe." I grinned and it was true. My judgment gets impaired when I am otherwise distracted.

"Are you sure? I mean isn't that going to make this more difficult?" he asked

"No, I need the rules. I work better with them, I think." He nodded for me to continue.

"Okay, rule 1: No sleepovers… yet.

Rule 2: No groping each other…yet

Rule 3: No going under the tables… yet

Rule 4: Uhm… No dirty talking when with friends… yet

Rule 5: No kisses longer than 5 minutes at least not yet.

Rule 6: NO I-WANT-TO-STRIP-AND-FUCK-YOU-RIGHT-HERE-AND-NOW stares from you at any time… yet"

"Hold on! Hold on! First of all, I don't have an I-WANT-TO-STRIP-AND-FUCK-YOU-RIGHT-HERE-AND-NOW stares little missy, that's all you and what the fuck of a rule are those? I mean so yeah I get them but that just leaves us to holding hands, hugs and less than 5 minute kisses? What the hell? Why don't you just lock me up inside a chest and throw me under the Pacific Ocean while you're at it." He defended. It's amusing seeing him whine like this. So cute.

"Babe, you're over reacting." I defended

"The hell I am." He crossed his arms on his chest on full pout mode. "Why can't we just act the way we are around each other and avoid having sex? I mean that won't be too hard right?"

"Edward, I'm serious about this. We have to set limitations and these limitations will help us strengthen our relationship and eventually it will pay off. And when we do finally have sex, it will be worth the wait, I promise." I assured him, though even I am having doubts that we'll make it long time.

He huffed and stood from the couch. Pacing in front of me.

"Fine, I guess I'll be the "perfect gentleman" if you want me too, which I am! And I'll follow these sick rules of yours. Oh! And I can't promise that I'll be following rule 5 all the time. I mean I can't help it if you find my stares that appealing." He smirked, clearly showing me what I meant by "_I-want-to-fuck-you-stares"._

"See what I mean! You're doing it right now!" I whined, clearly he's teasing me and though I like it, it has to stop… or

"Okay you can't help it, blah-blah-blah, but just please, when you can, please try to contain it. It's hard enough not to be able to... you know... when you look at me like that. Just try to ease my misery would you please?"

"Fine, fine." I just hope this works babe. Seriously, I want this to work. You're too precious to me and I want to make this easier for you and hope you'll make it easier for me too. Oh and by the way, I'm making my rules along the way. You're not the one who has to make them. I just can't think of one at the moment." He said, smirking and sat next to me on the couch again.

We sat there for a few minutes just enjoying each other's company and warmth. It was a nice feeling being close to him like this. Just when I was about to doze off to sleep he said…

"Tell me random things about you… things you think I don't know…" he whispered.

"Well, uhm… I like my coffee hot but I don't drink it until it gets cold. Ow! And I want it extra sweet too."

"Go on…" he snuggled closer to me placing his head at the side of my neck, nuzzling.

"I hate heels…"

"I already knew that"

"Okay, uhm, I twirl a lock of my hair when I'm thinking or when I'm bored to death?"

"Pshh.. could you come up with something I don't already know? Come on woman!" he said playfully and earned a nudge from my elbow.

"Okay, you want something hard? Let's see…" I had to think of something he doesn't already know… is that even possible? I think he knows me more than I know myself sometimes.

"Listening to Miley Cyrus and a bit of the Jobros are a few of my guilty pleasures." I knew he'll laugh at this.

He was shaking with laughter tickling my neck and I giggled along with him. Yeah, you heard that right, I _giggled,_ Bella-not-cynical-and-bitchy-anymore-Swan just giggled.

"Yeah, shut up and stop laughing if you want me to continue."

"Yes Ma'am!"

"Okay, so where was I? Oh yeah the guilty pleasures. So next, I've been in love with Devon Sawa and Orlando Bloom since I was like 15.

…I hate cooked carrots but love them raw.

…I'm not supposed to eat Parmesan cheese because it triggers my migraine and gives me terrible headache but I eat it anyways.

…I can eat pasta all day and never tire of it.

…I chew on my gums and my nails more than I can even count.

…When I eat oatmeal? I add lots of sugar and put powdered milk to settle on top of it then I eat it like that without stirring the milk in.

…I only like my eggs sunny side up and leave the egg white untouched.

…I crack my knuckles all the time though my mom told me that it would make my fingers fall off if I didn't stop. But I'd do it all the time in front of her just to piss her off. You should see her pissed, it's adorable. But anyways, now I can't get rid of the habit.

…I used to smoke cigarettes in high school because I thought it was cool and it eases my stress, but decided to quite cause I'm afraid of dying from lung cancer.

…I have this little notebook that I keep with me where I put my favorite quotes and poems on.

…I'm afraid to go in the ocean by myself because I'm scared that something will pull my foot and drag me under water. Like mermaids and stuff? Yeah, I'm scared shit of those too, but my favorite movie of all time when I was a kid was little mermaid. I used to sing with Ariel and all that stuff…"

So the whole day went on just like that, telling random facts we didn't know about each other. It was nice and funny. I haven't even told Alice and Rosalie some of them yet. Hopefully this will be a beginning of a meaningful relationship between Edward and me. The rules thing would have to be put to test. God I hope we can keep it up far enough until we're both ready to really be with each other.

**a/n: I have no excuse for this oh so delayed update. Every once in a while I still get story updates and fave story updates for this and I'm truly thankful for those readers who still give a crap reading it. Hugs, hugs, hugs. So well, this is not that long and I'm struggling to write now. I'm trying to write this story with a plot line ready but I'm finding it hard to make one 'cause my mind is messed up as it is.**

**For those who commented about Bella's behavior before, like how she's changing her mind all the time about Edward? Well, all I can say is that that's how Bella is in this story. You see I've managed to portray Bella as identical to me as possible. I have this state of mind. I'm always changing my decisions and always conflicted about things. But most of the time I get it right. Please try to understand Bella here. I mean who would not be torn between believing you're meant to be with each other and struggling to keep your self esteem high as much as possible to deserve him when you have and EDWARD as a boyfriend right? At least that's how I think I would react. The random facts about bella listed on this chapter are mostly me...… so I guess that's something I can claim mine. Lol.**

**Please try to review this chapter. Because reviews are better than rule no. 6 and miley cyrus+jobros guilty pleasures… :D**


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